Rethinking Black Moments

Two sources I've run across recently have talked about the book The Dark Night of the Soul by psychologist Gerald May. Dr. May expounded on the thoughts and works of St. Theresa and St. John of the Cross, both of whom talk about the "dark night of the soul."

The concept of the "dark night" in John's original writing wasn't something evil, sinister, or bad. The Spanish word he used was oscura: obscure. According to May, it's the same way things are difficult to see at night. It's mysterious, unknown.

In speaking of la nocha oscura, the dark night of the soul, John is addressing something mysterious and unknown, but by no means sinister or evil…. John says it is one thing to be in oscuras and quite another to be in tinieblas (the sinister kind of darkness). In oscuras things are hidden; in tinieblas one is blind. In fact, it is the very blindness of tinieblas, our slavery to attachment and delusion, that the dark night of the soul is working to heal.

This is a profound theory, and much debate could come from trying to make sense of all of it. As an author I’ve always thought I had to bring my characters to the brink of some sort of death—emotional, physical, psychological—in order for them to have their "black moment." Tinieblas all the way.

But that's just not the case. 

I'm not advocating for writers of thrillers to suddenly throw their character into a field of poppies instead of put them at the end of gunpoint. But the dark moment for our characters doesn't have to be so extreme. This liberated me a bit in how I've thought about dark moments.

As a cognitive therapy practitioner, I appreciated the following quote from May, as it intellectually reframes the very idea of a dark night (read: black moment). He wrote:

The dark night is a profoundly good thing. It is an ongoing spiritual process in which we are liberated from attachments and compulsions and empowered to live and love more freely. Sometimes this letting go of old ways is painful, occasionally even devastating. But this is not why the night is called 'dark.' The darkness of the night implies nothing sinister, only that the liberation takes place in hidden ways, beneath our knowledge and understanding. It happens mysteriously, in secret, and beyond our conscious control. For that reason it can be disturbing or even scary, but in the end it always works to our benefit.

One internet reviewer said that the dark night isn’t a one-time event. It’s also not just for spiritual people. When we write a book, the dark moment is the dark moment for that book, not for the character as a whole. And when we think of how bad things happen to everyone, we can remember that this is a universal experience, infinitely relatable to all readers.

While we might throw all manner of evils our characters’ ways, their perseverance through them will ultimately be for their good. Because of this, we have to reframe the negativity associated with the black moment. I like how Martha Alderson, the Plot Whisperer, described it on Twitter: “a breakdown for an ultimate breakthrough."

This is our opportunity to take them to a healthier place, to detach them from preconceived notions of how the world must work in order for them to be happy. To call into question things that have never been called into question before, to break a sickly dependence on dreams, expectations, objects, or people who have brought the character comfort but also have held them back from knowing true freedom. 

Q4U: What are your thoughts on black moments?

New T3 Series for Writers!

This week, I'm kicking off a new series for writers using the transtheoretical model (TTM). [Hang in there. That's the only big word.]

This is also called the Stages of Change. Any time a person tries to change a behavior or life situation, often around New Year's, this theory gets a little face time on self-help sites. The theory first came about from the world of addiction, specifically as applied to smokers trying to quit. It has since crossed over to many other mental health arenas and even to business models.

But I had an epiphany! This theory is really helpful for writers in conceptualizing the stages of a character's arc through a novel.

The first stage is what we'll cover this week, with each additional stage to follow every Thursday.

The Precontemplation stage is where our characters are at when the novel starts. This is when they aren't even thinking about changing their life. Things are status quo and that's the way they like it. This is when the hero or heroine are completely ignorant of the issue they need to face, or they are in complete and utter denial about it.

The character may feel like they have no control over their life situation, or that they are forced to continue on as they have been. For example, a son who doesn't want to take over this father's business feels that he has to because it's expected of him and he's been groomed for it his entire life. He's in the precontemplation stage because he hasn't even considered that there might be another option.

A character in this stage won't move toward the Contemplation stage until after the inciting incident. Many books start with the inciting incident and leave much of the actual precontemplation stage to the reader's imagination, flashbacks, or internal monologue cues, so keep this in mind.

When your character is in this stage, it's helpful if things happening to them elicit some of the following questions:

What would have to occur for me to consider making a change?
What would have to happen for me to consider that I have a problem?
How have I tried to change this behavior in the past? Why didn't it work?

Next week we'll consider the Contemplation stage as your character moves through their internal and external arcs.

Q4U: Do you start your books with the inciting incident, or do you leave the reader a scene or two to establish your story world and the status quo of your character?

T3 - Post-Cult Trauma

This week's Therapeutic Thought is from Julia M. Reffner, who commented on my post Pick My Brain without Having to Write In ... "I would love to see something about cults and the lasting emotional effects on those who leave them."

One of the things to be aware of that might help when talking about cult involvement is how similar cultic abuse is to domestic abuse. Since I just finished up a series on domestic violence, that will already give you a head start into figuring out the lasting effects of abuse in general.

Just as an aside, a person doesn't set out to be in a repressive cult, just like no one decides, "Hey, I think I'll marry an abuser." It's not on someone's to-do list. But there are people who might be more susceptible to cults. According to psychologist Dr. Paul Martin, there are three types:

1) Seekers of God looking for a worthy cause or way to serve

2) Lonely or depressed who find a caring community in the group

3) Idolizers of the charisma of the leader or excitement of the movement

Post-Cult Trauma is characterized by a variety of symptoms, depending on the person and type cult they were involved with. Dr. Margaret Singer, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, did extensive research with thousands of former cult members, and she observed intense depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, loneliness, inability to concentrate, confusion, sleep disorders, guilt, loss of identity, suicidal ideation, somatic complaints and over-dependence in a significant number of them. Some even had acute psychosis, meaning they were in need of serious psychiatric care.

As with anything ending that you have invested a part of yourself in, a person leaving (or being forced to exit) a cult will feel conflicting emotions. There are two sides to every coin. People can develop friendships and a sense of belonging in a cult, just as they can have a sense of purpose inherit in the group's mission or ideals. I'm not trying to glamorize a cult, but a person leaving a cult will experience grief over these losses...and that's normal and shouldn't be denied them.

Cults often entrench their members, many times resulting to brainwashing. Upon breaking away the cult, the person will find themselves isolated from others who understood the cult's brand of brainwash (for lack of better terms). They might still adhere to their cultish beliefs and be scared that they might lose their salvation, be cursed/condemned, incur God's wrath, or be susceptible to evil spirits now that they are no longer "protected" by the cult.

An interesting note is that cult members sometimes assume a pseudo-identity in a cult, perhaps taking on a different name or even personality. Occasionally, after exiting the cult, they might slip back into that pseudo-identity, a term called floating. I just ran across this in my research, so I'd google this if you want more information, but it's similar to dissociating.

On the other hand, some people who used to be in cults look at their breaking away as a freedom from oppression. They might have different symptoms, like guilt at what all they did in the cult when they were brainwashed, either to themselves or to someone else.

Other symptoms of post-cult trauma are: flashbacks to cult life--even including actual chanting, being triggered by cultic language used innocently by someone else, etc., simplistic black-white thinking, sexual conflicts, confusion about right v. wrong, spontaneous crying, difficulty holding down a job/managing time, panic disproportionate to one's circumstances, fear of going insane, dread of running into cult members by mistake, hostile reactions toward either the cult of criticizers of the cult, Stockholm Syndrome, and excessive rigidity about even minor rules.

These symptoms can last a couple of months for most people, and usually subside after being reintroduced to mainstream routines and everyday life outside the cult. In a small number of cases, symptoms continue...but I don't have a percentage for you. If you find one, drop me a comment.

Thanks for the question, Julia. It's not too late for you to get your question in if you've got one percolating!

T3: Age-Specific Indicators of Domestic Violence Exposure

Last week, we talked about general effects of domestic violence on children. Whether they are victims of actual physical abuse or not, just witnessing it can cause a lot of emotional damage.

This week, to conclude this sad-but-hopefully-informative series, I want to leave you with a few age-specific indicators so that when you're writing about a child whose parents fight a lot, you'll have a handy quick reference guide to know what types of things to be sure to include in your characterization of that child.

Without further ado:

Infants

• Eating/sleeping routines are disrupted
• Injuries while "caught in the crossfire"
• Continual crying or irritability
• Withdrawal and lack of responsiveness
• Developmental delays
• Diarrhea from upset stomach
• Frequently ill

Preschool

• Physical complaints, some of which are real, some aren't
• Acting younger than their age (regression)
• Irritable
• Separation anxiety in the extreme
• Developmental delays
• Sympathy toward the mother
• Fearful of being left alone

Elementary Age

• Swing from hostility to being eager to please
• Developmental delays
• Talk a lot about home life
• Reduced social skill development
• Externalized behavior issues (like hitting, pushing, choking, kicking)
• Not sure about male/female roles (may act like an aggressor or a victim)

Preadolescence

• Behavior problems become more serious (detention and suspension common)
• Increased depression/isolation/withdrawal
• Emotional difficulties, like shame, fear, confusion, rage
  
• Poor social skills
• Developmental delays
• Can swing between wanting to protect mom and seeing her as weak
• Guarded and secretive about family

Adolescence

• Behavioral problems can lend toward more antisocial behaviors: skipping school, drugs, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancy/sexual acting out, running away, suicidal thoughts/actions
• Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home
  

Children can work through the above problems with counseling in a supportive, trusting, safe environment. The earlier they seek help, the better their outcome as an adult. Just something to think about!

T3 - Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

If you have a character who has been abused in some way as a child, then you need to remember this sentence:

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop lasting social, emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems than children who are not.

I'd also remember this:

The longer the conflict goes on--and the more severe it gets--the more lasting the impact on the child.

Notice that I wrote "the impact" instead of "possible impact" or "potential impact." Research backs this statement up.

Children will live in fear when there is domestic violence going on in the home, whether that violence is ever directed at them or not. Witnessing the violence is just as harmful as being physically abused. Studies show that if a child lives in a violent home, they are more at risk for abuse and neglect.

What characteristics do you need to know about, then, to write about one of these children? I want to look at four categories that will help flesh out these poor, traumatized children very realistically in your novel.

Behavioral

• Acting out or withdrawing
• Being aggressive (younger kids) or passive-aggressive (older kids)
• Refusing to go to school
• Parentified behavior (acting like the parent; like a caretaker)
• Lying to avoid confrontation
• Getting very defensive if confronted
• Excessive attention seeking
• Bedwetting and nightmares
• Reduced academic performance (and intellectual capacity)
• Manipulating situations

Social

• Isolating from friends and family
• Stormy interpersonal relationships
• Difficulty trusting anyone (especially adults)
• Poor anger management
• Poor problem solving skills
• Excessive social involvement to avoid home
• Passivity with peers or the opposite, bullying
• Can exploit relationships as a perpetrator or be exploited as a victim
  

Physical

• Complaints of headaches/stomachaches/other somatic pains
• Nervousness
• Anxiousness
• Short attention span/difficulty concentrating
• Tired or lethargic
• Frequently ill
• Poor personal hygiene
• Developmental regression (like in potty training or thumb sucking)
• High risk play
  

Emotional

• Grief for family and personal losses
• Shame/guilt/self blame
• Conflicting emotions toward parents (love & disgust, to name a few) confuse them
• Fear of being abandoned
• Fear of expressing their emotions
• Fear of the unknown or sustaining a personal injury
  
• Lots and lots of anger
• Depression/feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness
• Embarrassment

The nice little flowchart above illustrates all these effects in a colorful graph. Click on it to enlarge.

Not all of you writers out there have a currently abused child in your book, but I bet several of you have heroes or heroines who were abused as children. Think about how the above indicators would manifest in an adult. What if they never got help when they were a child? What kind of wounds would this adult carry around with him or her? What might that look like?

Since this was more of a general overview, next Thursday, we'll look at more age-specific indicators of children exposed to domestic violence so that you'll have even more research to back up your writing. That will be my final post on this subject unless it comes up in a character assessment.

My anniversary is tomorrow...5 years! I might just have to whip up a post reflecting on the first 5 years. What a glorious ride. :)

T3 - Inside the Head of an Abuser

An abuser is someone who has a pattern of behavior with a significant other that is controlling, manipulative, threatening, demeaning, and intimidating. The key is that it's a pattern, not a one-time or ever-so-often event. At some point, everyone in their life might be insensitive and demonstrate some of the above-mentioned behaviors, but that might make their behavior abusive. It's the pattern of these behaviors that makes the individual abusive.

It's important to look at the motive behind the behaviors to determine who is truly an abuser. We all might display some controlling behaviors, but usually our motives are pure: to protect a child, prevent hurt feelings, etc. But an abuser's motive? Show their partner who rules the roost.

They make requests and suggestions that are much more than what is heard at surface level. Usually there is a threat underlying their words..."Do what I say...or else!" This makes the request more like a demand. The victim will understand that consequences will follow if the "request" isn't met. To the abuser, if it isn't met, the victim is actively defying them. The victim has two choices: either accommodate or frustrate the command...there is no in between. Disobeying them means they will face punishment.

An abuser has a sense of entitlement when the request is made. This sense of entitlement, perhaps more than anything else, drives the abusive mentality. It's a narcissistic trait, for sure. Narcissists think they deserve what they want, when they want, where they want it, and how they want. They don't think they should have to earn respect and compliance, and when they don't receive it, they think they are entitled to be enraged, which of course leads to abusive actions.

What's interesting in my study of the abusive personality is that abusers often think of themselves as the victim! They feel like they are being constantly inconvenienced, and because of this, they are quick to blame who they perceive to be inconveniencing them. From blame comes anger and rage. Then the abuser will rationalize their abusive actions. And this only gets worse with time. The threshold gets lower and lower for how much "defiance" or "inconvenience" they will take, until they will find anything to rage about. This is when the victim says they feel they are "walking on eggshells."

While abusers are not limited to men, it's more likely that they are abusers if for no other reason than their comparative physical size and strength advantage over women. Women abusers are more likely to emotionally abuse men. A lot of female-on-male abuse just doesn't get reported, perhaps because of the stigma associated with a male coming forward to say he is being abused.

Next week, I'll take a look at some of the characteristics of children who grow up in abusive families. Hopefully it'll give you some good material for your WIPs.

The above information was taken in part from the website of Steve Becker, LCSW.

T3 - Top 10 Reasons Why Characters Would Stay In Abusive Relationships

In order to create more realistic fiction scenarios involving abusive relationships, I had a request to delve a little deeper and give insight into the couple dynamic.

The following 10 reasons why people stay in abusive relationships will be in bold black, and the counter-argument that might be able to "break them free" from the abuse you inflict on them in your novel will be in bold red.

#1) Love. Probably one of the most often-cited reasons. They love the partner and experience times when their partner is loving toward them. It's also painful to admit that someone you love would hurt you, so due to the very real love the victim feels, they will downplay the abuse or convince themselves that it's really not that bad.

Just because you love someone doesn't make them healthy for you. Leaving a person won't shut off your feelings for them, but it will put the victim in a more rational position to look at the relationship for what/how it truly is.

#2) Hope. They have memories of happier times and want to hold on to optimism that those times will return. They might believe the "key" to their happiness lies in a simple change to be had by the abuser---that one day, he will keep to his promise to change or that if the victim just does something differently, the abuse will stop.

Since the victim isn't the one doing the abusive acts, there is nothing they can say or do to change their behavior to end the abuse. The abuser will promise to change in the honeymoon stage, but the only sure-fire way to end the abuse is to end the relationship.

#3) Self-Blame. The victim might begin to internalize the words from the abuser that it was "something they did to deserve the abuse." The partner can say it's the victim's fault, and the victim might actually start to believe it.

You can only control yourself, not the actions of others. There is nothing the victim can do that deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. The abuser is 100% at responsible for what they are doing.

#4) Shame. It might be too difficult or embarrassing to admit what's really going on to friends or family because you're afraid of what they will think about you. One big possibility that might taunt the victim is if they said, "I can't believe you were so desperate for love that you settled for that guy."

If you aren't the one doing the abuse, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. People who might say something similar to the above statement aren't educated about domestic violence. There are people out there who won't judge you.

#5) Comfort. Many people grow up with violence in their families of origin. If a child was ever hit and told by a parent that they did it because they love the child, then they could grow up to think and accept that love and violence together.

Physical abuse is not about love--it's about gaining power and control. There is nothing normal about violence accompanying love. Love is antithetical to power and control...it's patient, kind, not envious, boastful or proud. Love isn't rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. It doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, persevered. Love never fails.

#6) Hopelessness. The victim may feel that they'll never warrant a relationship where they are treated any better, especially if they have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. They are willing to settle for an abusive relationship than being alone. There is a certain amount of co-dependence in this viewpoint for sure.

There are more people in the world who don't abuse than who do. Respecting yourself enough to believe you are worthy of a relationship that doesn't harm you might require therapy. The fact is, victims are strong people who endure tremendous much.

#7) Fear. If the abuser has ever threatened to harm or kill someone the victim cares about if the victim leaves, then the victim will stay shackled in the relationship to protect those loved ones.

If threatened, it's important for a victim to have a safety plan in place that they can act on quickly. The plan needs to include "cues" that might serve as warning signs of impending abuse, what things have worked in the past to protect themselves, leading escalating arguments into designated more public places, phone numbers that can be called for assistance, names/numbers of people who are willing to help out if you turn to them, a code word used to let those people know you're in danger, an escape route to safe locations and/or medical care.

#8) Guilt. Abusers are very good at playing guilt trips, and will tell victims how much it would hurt them if the victim left. They often will tell the victim that they would commit suicide.

Guilt trips are just one way abusers try to manipulate victims. It wouldn't be the victim's fault of the abuser actually followed through with a suicide threat.

#9) Religion. Interesting, this one. A victim might feel a messiah complex of sorts and want to rescue, change, fix, heal, and save their partner through being loyal and staying with them. Many Christian women in abusive relationships will quote Scripture about how "God hates divorce" in order to justify staying with the abuser. If they married couple has children, they also become a reason to stay, the victim believing that the child will be better off with two parents instead of one.
Oooh. Tough one to combat! No amount of loyalty or understanding will change the partner. Besides, loyalty must be earned, and someone who is supposed to love you but abuses you instead has betrayed your trust. As for children, witnessing domestic violence is extremely psychologically damaging to a child. It's better for a child to live with one non-violent parent than with two parents in an abusive relationship. Who's to say the abuser won't turn on the child? Visitations can be set up for the child to interact with the abusive parent in a safe setting. If they are real sticklers on divorce, then you can say leaving a person to maintain safety doesn't necessitate a divorce.

#10) Isolation. Abusers will often isolate a victim to the point where they have no close connections with family or friends. If the victim should ever choose to leave, then they might feel they'd have nowhere to go but a shelter or on the run. Victims are frequently dependent financially on the abuser--the abuser makes sure of it, as this is yet another technique to isolate.

Friends and family will be more supportive than you think. Often they resent the abuser for cutting them off from the victim and would be more than happy to step in and offer support if called upon. They'll likely be relieved to be asked finally! There are also programs out there designed for people in abusive relationships to gain financial independence.

I hope this sheds some light into how you can make your characters who are abused be more realistic in their arguments to stay with the abuser. Next Thursday, I'll *try* to take you inside the head of an abuser. Not exactly fun stuff, but helpful in creating vivid, realistic characters!

T3 - 2 Types of Forgiveness

When hurt and bitterness creep into our characters' lives, how do authors "fix" it for them before the end of the book?

Today I thought I'd tweak my very first Thursday Therapeutic Thought post, as I think I had all of five followers back then (most of whom were relatives!). Forgiveness, or the lack thereof, is often written about, lamented over, and withheld from others. It's a part of life, a choice we can make for ourselves, but can't make for someone else, and therein lies the rub.

There are two types of forgiveness I want to concentrate on.

1) Restoration Forgiveness. This is the type that we most often want to encounter, but often eludes us fully. To have restoration is to have complete healing of the breach between two parties. Something as final as death or as inconvenient as geography can prevent this from happening. In its most ideal state, it looks like this:

1) Character A offends Character B
2) Character B chooses to forgive A
3) Character A acknowledges their wrongdoing and accepts the forgiveness
4) Relationship between A and B is healed

The symbol for this type of forgiveness can be two people hugging one another.


2) Release Forgiveness. This is when one party "lets go" of the hurt. When the relationship will never reach full restoration, release--or letting go--is the next best thing. It's harder to experience than Restoration, and as a result, many never quite make it through the entire process, choosing instead to hold on to their offense and grudge. Compare to the above:

1) Character A offends Character B
2) Character B chooses to forgive A
3) Character A never acknowledges their wrongdoing
4) Character B chooses to release Character A

It is very important, if one of your characters has this type of problem, to have someone acknowledge their hurt. If Character A never acknowledges the hurt, then Character B may never move on. A third party, though, (in many cases, a therapist, a close friend, or perhaps even a descendant or relative of Character A) can help tremendously by just acknowledging the hurt, which in turn helps Character B in releasing it.

Before release is a possibility, the hurt has to be recognized and validated as an authentic, he/she-shouldn't-have-done-that hurt. Emotional health and healing will never occur as long as the bitterness is inside.

Application for Writers:

If you have one of your characters suffering from a hurt that hasn't been acknowledged, either by the wrong-doer or someone else, the chances of this character coming to a believable healing by the end of the book isn't feasible. Psychology tells us so. :)

Q4U: Since it's not always possible to have restoration (due to death, geography, unwillingness of the wrong-doer), what are some creative ways to have the character feel the acknowledgment besides the wrong-doer coming out and saying it?

I'll start:

Finding a lost letter or journal from the deceased wrong-doer that poignantly lets Character A know that Character B had tremendous regret over what they did.

T3 - The Cycle of Abuse

Many of our characters struggle with abusive relationships--either currently or in their past. I thought delving into the psychology behind abuse might be helpful for today's Therapeutic Thought.

Take a look at the diagram. The yellow Honeymoon Period and the red Tension Building Period are indicative of "normal" relationships. Most all husbands and wives (or partners or what have you) go through these two stages--swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

The Honeymoon Period is just like what it sounds like. All fun and games, gifts, flowers, promises, and apologies (especially after a Tension Building phase). But the Tension Building phase brings in the little criticisms, some yelling at each other, swearing, even. It's when anger sets up a tent in the living room and people can feel they are walking on eggshells in their own home.

Alternating between the two is considered normal, even healthy. A relationship isn't tested until it hits a few bumps in the road, and when the bonds hold, the relationship is that much stronger for it. While this isn't the best news for married people, it's great news for writers. Tension makes our stories unputdownable. (Yes, I know that's not a word.) All you women's fiction writers out there who like to focus on the married couple instead of the sexual-tension-dating-phase couple usually create something huge that happens between the husband and wife, upsetting the Honeymoon Period and beginning a page-turning story. Usually, this is infidelity, pornography, or drug addictions coming to light.

But for an abuser, they can't go back to the Honeymoon Period without complete the cycle and Exploding. The Tension Building phase gradually escalates to psychological abuse--also called "gaslighting" (where they play mind games on the victim and make them think they are going crazy). They will isolate the victim from all support systems (see diagram below), and drug/alcohol addictions add to the mix in a horrific manner.

The abuser's inability to manage their anger is so lacking that they spiral out of control, sometimes blacking out in rage and not being fully aware of what they do. They can attack someone else physically, emotionally or sexually. A lot of women get raped during this time. Burns, broken bones, stabbings, bruises...and so much more.

The abuser then slips into the charming, charismatic, loving partner they were in the beginning when things were so good. They apologize, give gifts, flowers, cry, and say "I'll never do it again." The victim, desperately wanting to believe they haven't fallen in love with a monster, believes them (or doesn't, even) and it starts all over again.

One thing I recently found out in a domestic violence training is that a battered woman typically tries to leave her partner EIGHT times before she successfully disentangles herself from the relationship. Eight times of trying to make it in a shelter or with a friend, trying to take children away from the home only to be brought back by some financial insecurity or emotional connection with the abuser that renders the woman powerless in the situation.

Abuse is rampant in the world, so it's little wonder it shows up in our fiction. Understanding the mindset of the abused is difficult, as we're on the outside, looking in. What we often don't realize is that the abused woman has been trained/brainwashed to not seek out help or attention, to blend in to the scenery by trying to hide/cover their bruises. They often get upset or agitated when someone asks a pointed question or probes too deeply. But deep down, they do want help--they are just scared to get it. It's such a psychology trap.

If you have any specific questions about this cycle, I'd be happy to field them in the comments section if I can.

Q4U: Have you ever tried to talk a woman out of an abusive relationship? What were her reasons for staying? How did that feel?

T3 - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Self-Actualization

Up until now, we've been dealing with the four lower levels of Maslow's pyramid. These levels make up what Maslow called the Deficit Needs, because if a person doesn't have enough of something--i.e., a deficit--they feel the need. Maslow's theory was that Self-Actualization occurs when a person not only meets the lower, deficit needs, but masters them.

When a person reaches Self-Actualization, they reach their full potential. People desire to be everything that they are capable of being, becoming more and more of what they are. It's a state of harmony and understanding. This is a broad concept for Self-Actualization, but when applied to individuals, it can be very specific.

One character might desire to be an author or a good parent. Someone else might want to be a pro football player or invent something special. When these things happen, among others, these individuals will have a Peak Experience. A Peak Experience is a profound moment when the person is supremely happy, full of love and understanding, where they feel whole, vibrant, and aware. Self-Actualizing people have many Peak Experiences.

When I started thinking about characters in our books, this theory can dovetail off of Debra Dixon's Goal, Motivation & Conflict (GMC). What our character most wants, his ultimate goal, could also be called his Self-Actualization. The conflict would be the Deficit Needs going unmet or being derailed. I figured the motivation to reach a person's Self-Actualization would originate from one of the Deficit Needs not being met--perhaps for a long time, like a childhood hurt of learning your birth parents gave you up for adoption, or a lifelong hurt of never feeling safe and always having to look over your shoulder. A person could be motivated to be the best financial provider for his family (Self-Actualization) because his father left them and his mother always struggled to make ends meet. See how this could fit with GMC?

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Maslow had a theory. It may or may not float your boat, or it may be a useful way or organizing and prioritizing a character's needs. There has been little evidence found for why Maslow ranked the needs on his pyramid like he did. Some researchers didn't find evidence for a hierarchy at all.

One thing that is definitely true: characters can skip around or jump through the hierarchy, and as blogger buddy Livia Blackburne pointed out, the theory could explain why it's so interesting or admirable when a character skips around on the pyramid.

Livia wrote, "Girls swoon over Edward Cullen because he breaks the expectations of the pyramid -- ignoring his need for food in order to meet a 'higher' need. In the same way, we admire a monk who fasts for a month in order to get religious enlightenment. Jumping the pyramid makes you larger than life -- and in some cases, storyworthy."

Couldn't agree more and couldn't have said it better myself. Give a character enough of a motivation or conflict, and you can really play around with these levels.

Q4U: Have you ever purposefully had a character "jump the pyramid" (even if at the time, you didn't know that was what he or she was doing)? How'd it turn out for you?

BONUS Q4U: Any suggestions you might have of some topic you might want covered for Thursday Therapeutic Thoughts?

T3 - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Esteem Needs

Now we're getting into the upper levels of needs according to Maslow. (If you missed the first three levels, click on the following to access them: Basic Needs, Safety Needs, and Social Needs.)

Aretha can sing it better than I can type it....so here's what Maslow's fourth level in his pyramid is all about:



People want to be respected, esteemed by others. This type of external respect is the lower order of Esteem Needs. You might say this is the need for status, recognition and prestige. We want to be valued and accepted by others. This could come in the form of attention, reputation, dignity, and even dominance over others. A person can be famous or have national/international glory, but both require the opinions of others (the public) to make them so.

This is considered a "lower" need because it's based on the opinions of others and it's not intrinsic to yourself. This kind of esteem can come and go, and can certainly be lost. Just ask Tiger Woods.

A higher order Esteem Need is to have internal self-respect and self-esteem. This is when we want to feel that we've contributed something worthwhile, something of value. To have inner strength, competence, mastery, independence, freedom, and self-confidence. Something that we do--activities, club, our jobs, or hobbies--or something we live through and experience gives us this feeling of contribution and competency.

This is a "higher" level because the idea is once you respect yourself, it's harder to lose that respect.

These two levels of Esteem Needs aren't a package deal. You can have one and not have the other. A character who has low self-esteem will not be able to improve their view of themselves by receiving accolades and fame. A narcissist would think highly of themselves, but wouldn't have the external esteem to go with it because let's face it. Who really likes narcissists?

When this need isn't met, a person or character could have low self-esteem or an inferiority complex. Helplessness, depression, or emotional weakness can also happen if these needs are deprived of realization.

Q4U: Have you ever thought about the two types of respect needs? Internal v. external? Lots of plots revolve around this particular Need on Maslow's pyramid. Is yours one of them?

T3 - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Social Needs

Thanks for joining me again in this series. We're to the third level in Maslow's pyramid, Social Needs. (If you missed it, I already covered the first level, Basic Needs, and the second need, Safety Needs.) Once a person has taken care of themselves physically, they are ready to share themselves with others in a meaningful way, and that leads to social needs.

Social Needs encompasses the need for love and belonging, by both small social connections and larger social groups. In fact, many versions of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs calls the Social Needs level the Psychological or Love Needs.

At this point, people want to be surrounded by friends, a sweetheart, a spouse, children, neighbors, office coworkers, church, community. This is a need to have relationships, either through marriage, having a family, being a part of a fraternity, a gang, or a bowling or gardening club. This truly is a psychological need, one you feel with both your head and your heart. It's intimacy, and it's much more than just sex at this level. It's the need to love and be loved, and that's in a sexual and non-sexual way.

With this need also comes the fear of being alone or looking foolish. At the extreme, this could lead to clinical depression. There are some times when this need is so strong, it overcomes the Basic and Safety Needs, as in the case of an anorexic who may ignore the need to eat and the security of health to have a feeling of belonging and acceptance and control.

I could throw out so many scenarios for writers to consider regarding this theory of a needs heirarchy. For you historical writers out there, think of the carpetbagger who moves around with no clear knowledge of where they might stay. Wouldn't their first priorities be having a place to sleep? a place to eat? Would it really be to find love?

What about the severe mental disorder of Borderline Personality Disorder? These individuals are so driven by their emotional needs that they act in hysterical and disturbing ways at times, definitely capable of jeopardizing their own safety.

What other scenarios can you think of that either do or don't fall in line with Maslow's theory? (Keeping in mind that it's just that...a theory....not a fact.) :)

T3 - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Basic Needs

What does some guy named Abraham Maslow have to offer writers about how to develop their characters?

SO glad you asked!

After recently brushing up on human motivation theory (no need to bore you with details, but there it is if you want to Google it), I realized that this simple little pyramid developed by Maslow might help us figure out just what our characters want.

Maslow's theory was that there is a hierarchy, or pecking order, of human needs. In turn, I thought how appropriate to apply this to our character's lives. My plan for this new series is to start at the bottom of his pyramid, since these needs are what comes first, and then work my way up a level each week.

So this week we start at Basic Needs.

Basic needs are the primary things a person needs to survive, like air, water, and food. If forced to choose between water and food, a person will instinctively choose water, because a body can live for weeks without food, but only days without water. Water is a stronger need than food. If being strangled in a banquet hall full of food and you are starving, you're going to opt to try to breathe rather than try to stuff your mouth. Air is a baser need than water.

The body needs certain salts, proteins, sugars, and vitamins and minerals, as well. If our body is low on sugar, then we crave cakes and cookies. If it's low on salt, we want potato chips. If we're low on vitamin C, we want things high in vitamin C, like orange juice. Keeping a pH balance is also important, as allowing our body to get too acidic or too base will kill us. We also have the need to excrete wastes (whether it's carbon dioxide through breathing, sweat, urine or #2), avoid pain, sleep, and be active.

Humans also need to maintain their body temperature right at or pretty darn close to 98.6. If your character is thrown overboard off the shore of Northern California without a wetsuit, he won't last 30 minutes. So keeping his temperature high, as well as not drowning--which would interfere with his need for air--becomes the A-1, top priority. Nothing else will matter.

One could (and Maslow did) make an argument for sex to be included here, as well as sleep. The sexual drive in humans is strong, and studies have been done that show sexual drive can literally drain energy away from other goals. I believe this drives womanizers. They don't need the higher need of love and belonging, but they can't deny their sexual desires, so they don't even attempt to try.

There is also the lesser, basic need for clothing and shelter, although the human body could still exist without these. They still fall into this category, however.

How does this apply to writers?

SO glad you asked!

In reality, if you have a heroine who is starving, or freezing, or being deprived sleep or food...she isn't going to be wondering at that particular time if they might possibly be in love with the hero or if their 401k is growing fast enough. When a person is deprived of basic needs, the basic need becomes a priority. It's just not realistic to have them musing, reflecting, or speculating about so-called "higher" needs.

In Maslow's on words, "For the man who is extremely and dangerously hungry, no other interests exist but food. He dreams food, he remembers food, he thinks about food, he emotes [feels] only about food, he perceives only food and he wants only food."

This is in the moment, of course. As soon as the need is satisfied, the character will have other, higher needs replace it (see the pyramid). We'll be covering these higher needs in future posts, so stay tuned!

T3 - "Over-Indulger" Parenting Style

In the next to last week of looking at parenting styles, we'll focus on the Over-Indulger. This style is the less severe than the Avoider style, but it's still imbalanced toward the Under-Controlling side.

An Over-Indulger is like an Avoider in that they don't set limits either, but it's not because they don't care. They just don't want to make their child unhappy. Over-Indulgers generally fall into the Golden Retriever/Phlegmatic category. (You can read about them here.) They are tender and kind, understanding and sensitive. Often they avoid conflict at whatever the cost, and for them as parents, this means they give up their own rights to make others happy and keep the peace.

What does an Over-Indulger believe? They believe that children should have a happy childhood, free from negative experiences (even if these experiences could offer valuable lessons). Children should be carefree. These parents are so in tune with what their children need that they give in or give undue service, thinking that happy children are more likely to cooperate more.

How does an Over-Indulger discipline? By spending much of their time on their hands and knees...literally. The quintessential server, they give of their time and energy to their children so much so that their own rights and needs go unfulfilled. They take on many responsibilities and wear many hats--cooks, maids, tutors, financiers, cab drivers--and doormats. They come to their child's rescue entirely too much, protecting them from even what would be considered a healthy hardship, or one that will help them grow and mature or learn something about life or themselves. They want to prevent problems from happening and children from feeling disappointment. So they might drop everything to bring a forgotten lunch to school, or make an extra stop by the grocery store late at night to buy a certain brand cereal, because their child can't start their day without a bowl of that cereal every morning.

While the actions of a Micromanager and an Over-Indulger are similar, the motivations behind them are extremely different. Micromanagers are overly involved so they can control the situation or the child to look like good parents. Over-Indulgers are overly involved so they can protect children and serve their children's whims.

If your hero or heroine had a parent like this, how might they end up as an adult? Let's take a look at some possibilities:

1) Tendency to be self-centered.

These children are led to believe their whole lives that the world revolves around them...and their world did because mommy and daddy saw to it. Spoiled is another way to word this potential flaw. They expect success because they always had success, but they aren't willing to really work for it because it was handed to them on silver platters. This may lead to feeling powerful, because they think they can take advantage of others like they did with their parents. But when it doesn't work out for them in the real world, they'll have trouble coping.

2) Lean toward manipulation to get their way.

These children had it made. They knew exactly what button to push on their Over-Indulger parent to get them to jump and perhaps even say, "How high?" on the way up. They know how to get a parent to give in or give up. As a result, they don't really learn respect or how to be grateful. In fact, they may be ungrateful and demanding, which is shocking to the parents, I assure you. So these children grow up thinking the way to get what they want in life is to do the exact same thing to other people...and quite honestly, might not see anything wrong with it.

3) Can be a drifter of sorts.

As adults, children with this type parent might have problems operating within the limits of a job. Rules, authority figures, and responsibilities are basically new to them. They were the authority figure in their home and they had no real rules or responsbilities. So how are they to function out in the real world? The answer is that they might not be able to. They might go from job to job, searching out the "perfect job" that will allow them to do what they've been accustomed to doing.

4) Might boomerang back home a lot.

When things don't work out (like in #3), they'll come back home because they can't support themselves. Of course, the Over-Indulger welcomes them right back home, offering to do their laundry and make their bed for them. The adult child sighs comfortably, as this is the standard of living they are accustomed to. (Think Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch. Perfect example.) The parent feels needed, and the child feels in control.

Next week, we'll look at a brief history of parenting trends before finishing up with the Balanced Parenting Style, a.k.a., Perfect Parent (in theory).

Q4U: Any other series you'd like to see featured on The Character Therapist? I'd love to help out and answer some of those burning questions you might have!



* A lot of the information in this series will be derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

T3 - "Avoider" Parenting Style

This weeks marks the turn from looking at "Over-Controlling" parents to "Under-Controlling" parents. Also called permissive parents, these parents are the polar opposite of their imbalanced counterparts.

As you can see from the diagram, there are two types of Under-Controllers, the Avoider being the most severe (thus at the bottom on the scale) and the Over-Indulger. Though these parents aren't harsh or critical, that doesn't mean there aren't drawbacks associated with each style.

(For a peek at the Power Patrols, click here. For Micromanagers, click here. If you missed taking the quiz to determine what style parent your character is or has, click here.)

Avoiders are the type parent that doesn't do enough for their child. These are the parents who aren't physically or emotionally available for their child, and probably the parents Child Welfare gets calls on for being neglectful. They don't supervise their child, teach their child, discipline or even set limits for their child, and they certainly don't bother with correcting their child. That's just it...they don't want to be bothered with their child. Eventually one might wonder why an Avoider even had a child in the first place, as they are clearly a nuisance.

Avoiders are more than likely going to be your sanguine Otters. (Click here for more info on Otter personality types.) They are easy-going, friendly and engaging. They avoid responsibility and commitments, though, because they like to just laze around. They have a hard time following through, and will break promises at the last minute (yes, to their children, too).

What do Avoiders believe? The believe that their children will eventually "get" what's expected of them just from trial and error. They'll learn not to mix colors when washing their clothes on their own...after that first batch of pink t-shirts come out. They also believe that children shouldn't inconvenience parents.

How does an Avoider discipline? To say that they don't would be accurate. To them, a child's negative behavior will just magically go away if they ignore it or pretend the child just doesn't exist. They have a hands-off approach to parenting. A child can run wild as long as the parent isn't inconvenienced.

If a child grows up with an Avoider for a parent, there are some potentially bad long-term effects. Does your hero or heroine have any of the following tendencies?

1) Tendency to be impulsive.

Children of Avoiders are left alone so much of the time that, being left to their own devices, they often default to being bored. This boredom can lead to poor decision-making. Since their parents never took the time to really explain the reasoning behind why not to do something, these children don't learn from their mistakes.

2) Poor sense of self-worth.

How would you feel if your parents never really took time to be with you? That you weren't worth their time or effort. This would lend itself to probably the biggest personal challenge to overcome in adulthood.

3) Tendency to deny responsibility.

These children pick up on how their parents do things, and eventually, denying responsibility for the things in their lives will become like second nature to them. It's what mom and dad always did, so why wouldn't it work for them? They'll make excuses for their inaction or irresponsibility, and you might frequently hear from them that "I'm too busy," or "I don't feel like it."

4) Bent toward sloppiness.

Let's face it...if your parents aren't on your case to clean your room, make your bed, and fold the towels, you probably won't. A lifetime of not being made to do anything makes it difficult to go into adulthood where expectations are made. What would happen if you had a child of an Avoider who never does dishes marry a neat freak? Yikes! (But good to think about for your WIP as far as tension!)

5) Reckless seeking of attention.

Since I mentioned in #2 that these children are most likely going to have low self-worth, I thought I'd mention a consequence that would come as a result of that, and that's seeking attention any way you can find it. For girls, the consequences of this might be far more dangerous, but both men and women can get in "trouble" when they are looking for it. This kind of goes along with #1 in that they make make impulsive decisions, but attention from any corner is better than no attention at all.

These are just some considerations for your manuscripts. These behaviors and habits wold be great vices for your characters to overcome. Keep in mind that when working in generalities, some stereotype descriptions/outcomes might be prevalent.

Q4U: Any of you have a character with a parent who really didn't want anything to do with them? How did you portray that character? Seeking attention? Irresponsible? Impulsive? Or something else? Please share!

T3 - Multiple Personality...Types

I wanted to do a follow-up post on personality type combinations. I found a better online version of Florence Littauer's Personality Plus (wouldn't you know I found it after this series), and you can take it here. Even if you did take the test earlier, TAKE THIS ONE. It'll make the rest of what I'm about to type make sense.

Even given the 10 percent margin of error inherent in these types of tests (the word you picked to describe yourself is based on your perception of yourself, not fact), your score should indicate that one type is your dominant type. Usually, you'll have another type that comes in second, called your secondary type.

You can have a strong dominance of one type over the secondary, or almost equal scores in two types. Either way, there are some "natural" combinations that occur at birth that I've listed below.

Otter/Lion
Lion/Beaver
Golden Retriever/Otter
Beaver/Golden Retriever

The reason for this type of pairing is that the strengths of one are usually the weaknesses in another. A normal, "healthy" pattern is characterized by balancing scores of strengths and weaknesses in any single type (i.e., you're not going to have every strength of an Otter without a healthy dose of Otter weaknesses, as well).

The following two combinations are what Florence Littauer calls "unnatural combinations."

Otter/Beaver
Lion/Golden Retriever

These are sometimes seen quite frequently, but Littauer claims they aren't inborn in a person, and after a bit of research, I believe she's right, as well. She believes the combinations to be evidence of one of two things: 1) a "misunderstanding" about what some of the words might actually mean that were selected as representative of the person or 2) a "personality mask," because the traits in the above combinations are diametrically opposed to one another.

Before I get into what a mask is, I want those of you who might have one of these combinations to go back and take the test again, this time using one or all of the methods below:

1) Use a dictionary to make sure you know what the words mean
2) Select words that represent who you truly are, not who you want to be (for example, if you have learned a behavior--say, spontaneity or being scheduled--that doesn't come naturally for you, don't check that description). Another way of thinking about this is to select which word describes you as a child, not an adult.
3) Go back over the word groupings--if you had a difficult time choosing just one, check both. If nothing sounds appropriate, skip that question.

If after taking this test, you still have one of the "unnatural" combinations, then it might be the result of a personality mask. Masks are indicative of outside forces working on our lives that try to tell us what we should be, or how we change to conform to what we think someone else wants us to be. A mask could also be developed in childhood as the result of trying to survive a difficult or dysfunctional family living situation.

Some situations that might cause masking:

1) A domineering parent or a controlling spouse
2) An alcoholic parent
3) Being rejected by one/both parent(s) in childhood or by a spouse in adulthood
4) Emotional/physical/sexual abuse
5) Single parent home
6) Legalistic religious home
7) Birth order (firstborns in particular are subjected to zealous parents)

(I can give particulars on any of the above if anyone of you would like examples. Just email me or ask in the comments.)

Now, there are occasions when a person scores the same in three categories or four. When this happens, the best thing to do is to have someone who knows you very well to objectively look at the test for you. You might find that you're not exactly who you think you are, or that you've covered up your natural inclinations so much that you don't know who you are. (When my husband took the test "for" me, I tested high Beaver. When I took it myself, I was high Lion. Just interesting how his perception of me was a bit different than my perception of me.)

I hope that you've enjoyed this series as much as I have. Personality types are a great way to understand yourself, your loved ones, and your CHARACTERS.

Q4U: What have you learned--if anything--from this series? Anything take you by surprise?

The drawing is still going on for both copies of Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places. Scroll to yesterday's post to leave a comment to be entered!

T3 - Lion/Choleric Personality Type

We're in our fourth and final week of looking at personality types! We've covered the Golden Retriever/Phlegmatic type here, the Beaver/Melancholic type here, and the Otter/Sanguine type here. You can still pop over to take the tests recommended by the Character Therapist here.

For all you Lions out there, I imagine you were ticked that Lions weren't the first type discussed 3 weeks ago!(As a Lion, I know that usually, Lions expect to go first.) So fear not...you Lions out there haven't been forgotten or left out. :)

THE GOOD

Choleric Lions are your born leaders. They are dynamic, active, strong-willed and decisive. They are self-sufficient, independent, persistent, exude confidence and can run anything. They have a compulsive need for change and if they see an injustice, they must right the wrong. Lions are usually bold, self-reliant, enterprising, competitive, and they welcome challenges. They are goal-oriented and goal-driven.

At work, they are your problem-solvers. They're motto is "Let's do it now!" They will sign up for anything that will lead to advancement: difficult assignments, challenging directives. They are straight shooters, getting to the point and being very direct. A Lion likely pursued their education with vigor and was a top student. They are great organizers, delegators, and move quickly to action. They can stimulate activity where there was none, thrive on opposition, and make their goals by seeking practical solutions. Their approach to teamwork really is just to take charge. Their leadership style is more autocratic and they prefer a hierarchy of management (with them on top). They release stress by doing something physical, and emotional stress will always drive them to a high-impact activity to recover.

As far as friends go, they can excel in emergencies, keeping their head about them. Their usually driven by rationality, not emotionality, so this helps them do this. They lead and organize group outings and like nobody's business. They are usually extroverted, so making friends can come fairly easily (but sometimes not! See below). They can make a quick decision when a group is stalemated about what to do.

Spiritually, they can motivate the body of Christ to accomplish great feats. Far away trips to distant lands are no problem. Annual church homecoming picnic, no big deal. Head of the committee or chair of the deacons? Covered with time to spare. Lions can make fantastic Marthas.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD

Lions can be controlling, argumentative, and dictatorial. They often are opinionated, arrogant and unsympathetic to the plight of the "little people." They're touchy and severe, impatient, pushy, and harsh. They can be a bit egocentric and won't even give up when they know they are losing. Their self-sufficiency can come on too strong. They can be inflexible, unable to relax, and quick-tempered. They aren't known for being complimentary, but instead controversial.

At work, Lions are not only often the "boss," but they are often bossy and aggressive. They'll try to take charge in other people's affairs. Since they're so focused on the goal, they can step on people to reach it. It's this insensitivity--this rudeness or tactlessness--that can leave a trail of hurt feelings behind them. They have little compassion on or tolerance for mistakes and can be difficult to please. They are bored by trivia and don't analyze details, so they may make rash, impetuous decisions. They can be manipulative to achieve their goals, but the end justifies the means as far as a choleric person is concerned.

Lions are uncomfortable with the expression of emotions. They see emotions as obstacles (getting in the way of the almighty task). So managing friendships can be difficult at times. Insensitivity at work bleeds into their friendships, as does dominating others and deciding for them. When things don't go their way, Lions can literally blow their top in a fit of anger, especially when personal goals aren't met. They think they know everything, and usually are right, but this doesn't make them very popular. Lions have a hard time saying they're sorry and they can also be possessive of their friends and their spouse/partner.

Spiritually, Lions usually need a traumatic experience or event to spur a recognition of a need to make a commitment to Christ. The also have a hard time expressing grace. Their self-sufficiency can lead to sin problems of hubris. They also could miss out on the heart of a spiritual experience because they are so consumed with the big picture. Since they are Marthas, consumed with the task at hand, they can miss out on the relational experience that Marys have.

EXTRAS FOR WRITERS

Lions prefer to be dealt with by being direct and factual, because this is the way they are. You give a Lion the run around, and you are going to have conflict in droves. Lions like for things to be nailed down and written in stone. Give them a wishy washy boss or love interest and watch the sparks fly. Since they are so bored to death by detail and trivia, pair them with a Beaver who thrives on it. Heehee!

Another way to create great conflict is to pit them against another Lion. Two Lions are going to battle it out every time in a fight for dominance over the other. Give a classic male Lion a female who won't take no for an answer and he'll have met his match. Have fun with it.


Next week: Since I've had a couple of people comment about their type combinations and what that might mean, I thought I'd do a wrap-up post to discuss common combinations, not-so-common combos, and what this might mean for the test-taker.

Q4U: Have you found out anything about yourself you didn't already know? Anything you want to work on for the new year?