How to Respond to Grieving Children

I'm concluding a mini-series on children and death today. if you missed earlier posts, you can click here for the introductory article on what children understand about grief, and here for the post on what common grief reactions are for the each age group.

Today, I'll wrap it up with how adults are supposed to intervene and respond to children in the various age ranges.

0-2

Infants basically need consistent care, which includes physical contact that is both nurturing and loving, as well as a secure routine. Patience is a huge asset to have when they are upset. Your presence does more than anything else. Watch your tone and take care to breathe deeply, as infants absorb your mood almost by osmosis. They sense when adults around them are upset. Older children in this age range will respond to simple, honest explanations. If they attend a funeral, they need individual attention directed to them, so that they can ask questions and receive support.

2-4

Older children also need simple and honest explanations, but they really need adults who are patient with their questions and thoughts. Responding appropriately to their innocent questions will go a long way toward reassuring them that the world is still aright. When adults are crying, telling a child that the adult is sad or missing/thinking about so-and-so will help normalize the child's similar reaction. One of the worst things you can do is skirt around the words "dead" and "death." To tell a child that someone is simply "sleeping," or "gone away," or "resting," or "passed away" doesn't illuminate the situation, and often cause confusion. This age also needs steady routines, and might need additional help and prompting through transition times. Adults can read books that explain death (there are many good ones on the market that I like to use in sessions), and can involve the child in methods to help them find closure (drawing a picture, writing a letter, etc.) with the deceased.               

5-8

The same basic interventions apply as for the age group above, but perhaps with more emphasis on rituals and closures. Allowing the child to talk about the death over and over is important, as each time the child is working something else out emotionally. Education about death and what it means is appropriate, using words they will understand. Books with this age group are very helpful, as well, and I find that artistic means of expressing themselves are great. Not only does art occupy their hands with something, but it frees their minds to be able to talk more stream of conscious. Many times, children this age will free associate almost, with memories of the person they lost. Acknowledging their pain and tears, as well as the adult's pain and tears, is an important step to remember, so as to normalize their emotional experiences.

9-12+

Older children need someone to listen to them...when/if they are ready to talk. Do not force the issue. Mandatory counseling is often counter-indicated, because teens will talk when they're good and ready to do so. Of course, encourage communication, but just being available is sometimes enough. Helping them understand that they might have more intense reactions on the deceased's birthday or anniversary is good psychoeducational information to give them. They might want to make use of a journal or a particular playlist on their phone or iPod that helps them cope better.

Let's Analyze

Have I missed anything on grief and children that you wanted me to cover? If so, drop me a comment below and I'll try to address it next week.

How Do Children React to Death?

Continuing my series today with how different age groups might realistically react to death. You can read up here for last week's post on what children intellectually understand about death. But I get a lot of questions about the feasibility of reactions of young children, so I'm trying to clear that up here.

0-2

Children this age most often cry when in any kind of distress. That's how they let you know, without words, that they are cold, hot, wet, gassy, hungry, etc. In a child who experiences a grief reaction (and yes, in the field we'd call it that....it's traumatic to lose anyone at any age), you'd see crying and general crankiness, but you'd also see a fussiness to get more attention. This could turn into temper tantrums or extreme bouts of crying (lasting anywhere from an hour to three) where they are inconsolable. Small infants and toddlers will also show variance in their eating and sleeping patterns, perhaps being more picky, have trouble latching on, or frequent night wakings. Toward the end of this age range, children will show regression in behaviors and skills they have already learned, like toilet training, walking, and language.

2-4

Preschool-aged children will also show regressive behavior, just like the above age range. They could be completely potty trained, but regress back to using pull-ups when faced with a traumatic grief situation. These children could show anxiety, specifically when having to be separated from a parent or caregiver. They might be clingy, grabbing on to the legs of their safe person, when faced with being separated. Crying is also common. Children this age might be aggressive, when they weren't so much before. This is an adjustment reaction to the trauma, and with appropriate intervention, as we'll discuss next week, should eventually dissipate. This age range obviously has more language skills, and as such will openly talk about death and try to make sense of it.

5-8

School-aged children could develop school phobias, withdrawal from friends, or learning problems they didn't have before. They might also exhibit aggressive behaviors, especially boys, who tend to show an increase in destructive behaviors. Children this age might be more prone to stuffing their emotions so that they appear to be okay to peers. They might be more clingy to caregivers, though. The emotions they do have might be excessive guilt or denial, both of which are common. Children are ego-centric beings, thinking the world revolves around them, so they take undue weight upon their shoulders. It's also at this age that psychological symptoms might manifest more as physical symptoms, such as hurting tummies, headaches, etc.

9-12+

It's very common for emotional reactions to be kept silent at this age. If the youth as an outlet (counselor, church group, sports) they might find their emotional needs met. If they don't, then unresolved grief can lead to "acting out" behavior, such as drugs, criminal activity, and risk-taking (pushing their body to its physical limit). Two common polar opposite reactions I've heard from teens: "I just want to feel something" or "I just want to numb out." For those teens who are more likely to be emotional, there can be overt depression, withdrawal, guilt, anger, and denial. They might lack motivation to do anything, grades could drop at school, or things they once found pleasurable don't appeal to them anymore.



Hopefully this has helped flesh out some common reactions. There are other behaviors that might exist that haven't been explicitly listed, and each child's grief is unique. Environmental factors like previous exposure to trauma, responsiveness of caregivers, and internal resiliency of the child can make reactions more or less intense and/or severe. Be sure to write-in with any specific questions, using Friday's Dear Jeannie column.

Let's Analyze

Are any of the above behaviors baffling? What else would you like to see added?

What Do Children Understand about Death?

I get a lot of questions about what children understand or don't understand about death, so I thought a series of posts about children and death would be helpful. Today I'll start with outlining the developmental stages and concepts of death for children. Next Monday I'll move into realistic reactions for each age group, followed by helpful approaches for adults to use with children to intervene and comfort them, such as examples of how to convey and verbalize the harsh truths of death.

First there are three concepts that we refer to when we discuss death:

Universality = all alive things will eventually die
Irreversibility = things that have died cannot come back to life
Nonfunctionality = once something dies, it ceases all physical functioning

All children vary in their understanding, of course, and there are no hard and fast rules, which I know writers would love to get. But here are some basic guidelines as to what children generally understand at what age.

0-2

These children can't understand any of the components of death, and they don't have much or any language to attach to any thoughts about death that they might have. They sense loss through reacting to the emotions of others. They are observant of adults and know something is wrong, which upsets the security of their world. If a pet dies, a child this young probably wouldn't understand that the pet has ceased to function. Even if you included them in the burial in the backyard, the child might think of the pet as romping around under the ground.

2-4

Children this age tend to think that if something dies, it can come back to life. They might think the dead person/thing is simply sleeping. They watch cartoons and movies that reinforce this idea (i.e., Rapunzel's tears bring back Flynn Rider in Tangled; Aslan comes back to life in Narnia..you get the idea). They don't think it's possible for them to die. This usually doesn't enter their mind, unless they've had a traumatic experience of losing someone close to them during this time. They also have what is called magical thinking at this age, and can believe that someone died because of a death wish they made or because of some magical spell.

5-8

Children begin to understand the nonfunctionality of something that has died. They also begin to understand that death is irreversible, especially for plants and animals. Even though they get the physical component of death, they still have a lot of questions about the biological aspect of death. They might get fixated on death, or even get sad anticipating a death that's not rationally imminent. (For example, my little girl, who turned 6 TODAY---!!!---will have real tears thinking about my death.) However, they don't really think of death as universal, but as something that only happens to people who are old or sick. (Note: if the child has been exposed to situations, like sudden infant death syndrome of a younger sibling, or losing a same-aged peer to a car accident, this lack of universality would change.)

9-12+

Children begin to have an understanding of all three concepts of death. They really start to fear death, and even think of it as sudden and unpredictable. They get scared thinking about painful forms of death, and feat the void of inanimate suspension that follows death. These children and teens are more likely to have emotional, rather than cognitive, difficulties processing death.

Let's Analyze

You probably have stories, similar to the one I told about my daughter, that convey these concepts using real narratives. Feel free to share any below.

Dear Jeannie: Unplanned Pregnancy and Being Resurrected

Dear Jeannie,

My character only feels valued at her job where she excels at research as a paralegal in a prestigious law firm. She has plans to go to law school. For three years she has stayed home with her twins. She loves her children but feels nonproductive doing mom stuff. The twins will go to three-day preschool in the fall. She is so excited to be able to work half a day. She and her husband have put an addition on their home for the twins, and their old room is to be her office where she can work at home as well. She has her future planned out, then she finds out she’s pregnant. To me this seems like a set up for depression. What are some other ways she could react to her situation? 

Bezerko in Sandpiper Bay, NC  


Dear Bezerko,

You've just described what might possibly be my biggest nightmare. She would be utterly devastated. Yes, depression would be a likely option, but if she were sitting in my office, we'd have to address the polarizing issue of whether she wants to keep the baby or not. My guess is that she would at least contemplate abortion, even if she is adamantly opposed to it. She wouldn't be normal if she didn't. She resents the life inside of her, as s/he will prevent her from achieving her goals. This resentment would likely be accompanied by guilt. She could even begin eating less healthy, skipping vitamins/prenatal appointments, and taking less care of herself in general in hopes of a "natural" miscarriage. I believe there to be a real disconnect for women who want to work, yet feel that they have to or should do the mom thing. Some women have children because they are "supposed" to...it's like a natural progression. You get married, then you have a family. Your heroine finds her fulfillment in her work, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean she loves her children less. I'd actually love to know how you resolve this, so drop me a line. Best of luck!


Dear Jeannie,
Six men wake up alive over a hundred years after their deaths, with strange supernatural powers, to a world that is practically unrecognizable, all loved ones they knew gone, full of weird technologies and cultures, and monstrous creatures that are a constant threat. The group surmise that they were resurrected and given their new abilities to destroy these monsters, and go on a journey to do just that. How do these guys even begin to cope? I imagine that some of the grieving process would be postponed as they focus on handling their new situation, but certainly not for long.
Thanks a bunch,
Maximum Emotional Damage


Dear Maximum Emotional Damage,

You'd be right. Maslow's hierarchy of needs speaks plainly to what their main focus would be. Outside of food, water, air and shelter...the next level of need is Safety. So it will be during moments of relative safety from the monsters that the men will reflect on their previous lives, and the feelings of loss and grief that come from that. As to how they navigate the grieving process, that can follow the traditional stages of grief, but it might not, since grief is so individual. Plus, they are faced with truly overwhelming circumstances...a new life, a new body, a new world, with new toys they don't know how to use. They might react with being so overwhelmed that they are reckless in battle, wanting to end their bewilderment by being offed by the monsters. Some might face more traditional suicidal thoughts. They might let out all their aggression on the monsters, which would be a healthier option. Sounds like you definitely are doing the type of thinking that's needed to make these guys come alive on the page. Thanks for writing in!

GOT QUESTIONS?

Leave an anonymous comment below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle, and I'll post my answers to your questions in future columns.

Dear Jeannie: Paralyzed Athletes and Raising Clones

Dear Jeannie,
Evan was an athlete fresh out of high-school, and he had high hopes of being an Olympic runner. But he is involved in a hit-and-run accident that leaves him paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheelchair, probably for life. Pretty much all of his dreams and his life up until that point have been crushed; what do you think his immediate reaction would be? How long would any shock from this stick around?
Thank you,
Olympic Runner 


Dear Olympic Runner,

Man, you're cruel, aren't you? :) Athletes who suffer serious injuries are particularly difficult to treat. They are groomed their entire lives to reach certain goals, and when those goals are suddenly and tragically unable to physically be met, it's devastating. His immediate reaction will be shock and disbelief, of course. He'll probably be in denial about the extent of his injuries and will hold on to the belief that he'll walk again, etc. When it become apparent through the passing of time that you're not going to give him a miracle, he'll begin the intermediate stages of grief at that point (depression, mainly). Your specific question as to how long can't be answered, not definitively. Grief is so individualized to each person. But I'd go on a limb to say that the shock could last anywhere from a few days to a week or longer. Denial, however, can last much longer. Athletes just don't want to give up. It's in their blood.


Dear Jeannie,

Mel is in her thirties, working on a top secret space exploration program when a six year old clone of herself shows up. Since there isn't anyone else to take the girl, she is pressured by her sister and boss, who was adopted at a similar age and is very close to Mel, to take her as a daughter. Previously Mel had wanted children and had been the one that would always help someone in need, especially kids, but now she doesn't want anything to do with the girl. What would cause this kind of reaction?

Thanks very much,
Sci Fi Stuck 


Dear Sci Fi Stuck,

Kudos for such a weird, fascinating plot! Since I love brainstorming, here goes: My best guess would be that the girl reminds Mel of things she'd rather leave buried. Childhood can be traumatic for so many reasons, and having to relive it through this little clone might be too much for her. Perhaps the girl makes Mel feel weak and helpless, a being to be enacted upon rather than a strong, top-secret exploration program insider. Maybe the girl embarrasses her by innocently revealing insecurities that maybe still cling to Mel's emotional interior. It could be that the weirdo factor is too high...raising yourself? I'm so curious where you go with this. Hopefully this is helpful in giving you some place to start.

Got Questions?

Leave a comment below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle or Terrified in Texas, and I'll answer your questions in a future Dear Jeannie column.

Dear Jeannie: Overcoming Bullying and Teens in Therapy

Dear Jeannie,

What would be needed to overcome the consequences of almost a lifetime of being the victim of bullying (not the horrific kind, but ongoing "bitchery" and exclusion)? My 60+ MC can now take early retirement to escape from workplace bullying, and she plans to move to a new, larger city. However, "starting over" would probably be extremely difficult because of emotional baggage—low self esteem, general loss of confidence, shyness, and poor social skills. Also, she has absolutely no desire to talk to a therapist (due to a bad experience many years ago).

Budding Writer


Dear Budding Writer,

Your case is an interesting one, as your protag is 60+, not the typical age we think about when we conjure up images of bullying. But lets face it, older women can be catty. And no better place than at work to do so, it seems. So you're MC has been facing snotty looks, rude comments, and general bitchiness from her coworkers for years. Years. So don't underestimate the allure, the excitement, that she'd have at starting over...getting away from all that she's known, going someplace where she's unknown and has a clean slate. It'd be similar to bullies, unpopular high school teens breaking out of that mold when they go to college. Yes, her self-esteem is damaged, but she could flourish in the right environment, so take careful attention to where you end up placing her. Best of luck!


Dear Jeannie,

   My character is a teenager who sees a therapist because he's struggling with both the death of his sister and physical injuries from a car accident. He's been sabotaging his own recovery.
   How might a teenage boy act about seeing a therapist? I assume he'd be embarrassed at seeming weak. Grief over his sister and that he's not expected to fully recover physically so he's given up. Not sure what that would look like. At this point, it's been over a year but he just started seeing a therapist in her home (or is that only on TV?). I really don't know anything about therapy sessions, so any insight would be helpful.
Teen Trauma n' Drama


Dear Teen Trauma,

Therapists do see patients in their home. However, the ones that I know (i.e., the smart ones) always have a separate entrance/exit or a mother-in-law unit where they do the actual sessions, so that their home is separate from their office. How he would respond to therapy is entirely up to you. I've seen teen boys who had no issues at all walking in my office, and I've had some who would rather have tweezed their nose hairs. Either, or, some of one, some of the other...kinda depends on his personality. As to what goes on in therapy session, I did a post here on that subject. It should give you lots of ideas. If you are interested in the variety of grief reactions, I'd suggest you grab my Writer's Guide to Grief for $3. (sorry...shameless plug, but it truly does have all the info you need). Good luck to you!

GOT QUESTIONS?

Leave a comment below, Sleepless in Seattle-style, and I'll get to your questions in my next Dear Jeannie column. 

 

Technique Toolbox - Grieving the Loss of a Child

I received an email from American Family Media not too long ago with a movie "ticket" to see their 40-minute film, Flame On.

I knew very little about the subject matter, but I went to the website to check it out. I had to register my email address, but then I could watch the film for free.

I can't tell you how this film touched me. I'm from Mississippi, and the family who loss their son, Cooper Jasper, is from Tupelo, not too far from my hometown. They are so candid as they talk about the loss of Cooper. They are grieving intensely, almost two years later, but they have the hope of the Lord! It's evident in so many ways.

I'm going to keep the link to this film and show it to clients who go through the tragic loss of a child. If you yourself have been through this, or know someone who has, PLEASE give them the link to Flame On. Here is a news clip about the family with some clips from the movie itself:



You can go to the official Flame On website at http://flameon.net/. Click "Watch" and you can enter your email address and get a direct link to the movie.

Tragedy strikes everyone. It rains on the just and the unjust. This family has got it spot on. You never "get over it," but you do "get through it" with Jesus.

I'm so glad I found this movie to keep in my toolbox for clients. Hope you enjoy it and it speaks to you.

No Regrets

There has been a tragedy here in northern California and I've been called to do critical incident stress debriefing (CISD). Blog posts are a very secondary concern during this time, but I found this poem and thought it was appropriate to share, given the current situation I'm dealing with. I hope it's a lesson to us all to appreciate the people in our lives while we have them.

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say, "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to ask, "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I  get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get
to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day...
 
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

— Author Unknown

Please be praying for me as I lead several CISDs over the course of the week. It's draining work, so I'd appreciate it. Thanks so much.

Treatment Tuesday - Suppressed Grief

This week's assessment is from Elizabeth, who is writing a futuristic sci-fi novel about Brandon* and Anna*. Brandon is perpetually cheerful and almost never serious. Anna is quiet, reserved, and hard to tell what she's thinking. One might think Anna doesn't like you because she's blunt and sarcastic, but has a good heart deep down. The two have a rocky relationship together after Branden gets Anna out of a bad home life when they are teens. They have a relationship all through high school, and Brandon learns to read her very clearly.

When he goes to college, she joins the military. Brandon tries to stay in contact with her, but Anna couldn't handle the long distance aspect, especially when she thought she feel in love with someone else. Brandon drops out of college and joins the military, and just as he hoped, they get stationed on the same ship together. He tries to re-establish their relationship, but Anna was gun-shy after all the time that had passed and the fact that the last man she loved had betrayed her, causing her to shun romance.

Elizabeth wants to know: Anna eventually dies, and it's clear she dies for Brandon. However, Brandon doesn't seem to show any of the traditional signs of grief. He acts like his normal, happy-go-lucky self. Does this indicate a lack of depth in his emotion, or does he just fail at processing and showing emotions?

Good grief questions, Elizabeth. Grief is so personal and complex. Earlier on this blog, I did a series on the types of grief as well as a later series on the different facets of grief. I'd encourage you to check those out, because they definitely touch on the type of grief Brandon is displaying.

I'm going to do this assessment under the assumption that Brandon loved Anna, and that his feelings for her were far from shallow. In fact, his feelings were so great that at Anna's death, his brain can not process the loss. He is probably in the Denial phase of grief, refusing to accept the possibility that someone who meant so much to him is no longer living.

If Brandon knows she's dead--maybe he saw it with his own eyes or held her in his arms as she slipped away--then the knowledge is buried in his mind even as he goes about living as if it never happened. If something like the above happens in your manuscript, then there could be a case for a severe traumatic reaction to what happened, such as not believing it did.

You'd have to answer that question: Does Brandon know in his knower that Anna is, in fact, dead? If he doesn't, then this assessment would look quite different, but again, operating on the assumption of more common reactions, I'm going to assume he knows that she's dead, but just isn't grieving the way everyone thinks he should.

Suppressed grief usually erupts in some form or fashion over time. A person's body just can't handle it. Brandon might start experiencing psychoemotional and physical disturbances, such as blurred vision, gastrointestinal disturbances, and heart palpitations. (Notice I didn't say psychosomatic--which is in the person's mind.) These are real problems that seem to have no biological basis.

I'd consider giving Brandon one or two of those physical symptoms, at least, to make his level of grief more realistic. A perfectly healthy man having heart palpitations of chest pains would baffle doctors until it slipped out that he had recently experienced the death of a loved one. (Hopefully the doctors would refer him on to a therapist at that point.) 

It is said that the two main healing variables for grief are talk and tears. Now not everyone is going to cry and not everyone is going to talk...but most everyone does one or the other as their primary way to cope. Brandon's happy-go-lucky self will eventually need to peter out into one of these modes, and it would need to be a dramatic, climactic release for him (and for the expectant reader) or readers could have a couple of reactions:

1) Brandon didn't care about Anna as much as he said he did. For some reason, people believe the the amount of tears is somehow a testimony to how much the person was loved. We expect to see people grieving at funerals, and those who aren't are looked at circumspectly.

2) Brandon is going to explode. Depending on if there is tension in your story surrounding his lack of grief, and his acquaintances being worried about him, etc., the reader might begin to think Brandon's just going to go postal, and this would not be a good release, obviously.

3) Brandon is crazy and thinks Anna didn't die. Readers might think he is in need of professional help to get him through the grief.

The reality is that Brandon's world has changed. A reader will probably go along with a portion of the book where Brandon isn't grieving "appropriately," but after a while, they are going to come to expect him to have that catharsis...that acknowledgment that his world has changed and that he's going to try to adapt and reconstruct his world to a new reality without Anna.

The key for you as the storyteller is to make Brandon's reaction of suppressed or absent grief realistic, but gauge how long you want to leave him in that limbo state before you ease the minds of your readers. The easiest way would be to include the physical grief symptoms, as any reader would accept the reasoning that he's having those problems because he's not accepting the loss or beginning to grieve.

Good luck to you! Additional comments or questions are always welcome.

Treatment Tuesday - Good Kid Gone AWOL

This week's assessment comes courtesy of Vickie. She's writing about Brad*, a 15-year-old boy who is smart, but timid. His father recently died in Afghanistan, leaving his mother a widow and Brad a big brother to his sister still in grade school. He's been bullied for months at school, and the book opens with Brad stabbing the bully, as he feels that taking matters into his own hands would be the manly things to do. However, a teacher steps in to stop him and he reflexively slices her too. Turns out he cut his favorite teacher who has tried to help him the most. Crushed by guilt and fear, Brad runs.

With the bully in critical condition and the police out looking for him, Billy tries to communicate with his teacher through anonymous letters with no return address. The letters are quotes from passages he's read in novels...clues to what he's thinking and how he sees life. The teacher sees these letters as a cry for help and works with the police to try to find him and bring him back home.

Vickie wants to know: What's realistic for Billy's mindset through all this? What will he try to communicate through his letters? What kind of encouragement does he most need?  What would convince him to come back? How would the court system deal with him? What options would he have once he turned himself in? If and when she sees him again, what would be the best way for his teacher to react/respond to him?

Brad is a troubled teen, obviously, as the "normal" teenage brain doesn't conclude stabbing someone is the best defense against a bully. I mean, the first thing that came to mind when I read that was Dexter (the serial killer who works for the Miami Police Department as a blood spatter analyst -- love the show!). Dexter's dad prevented him from going after a high school bully with a knife during one of the many flashbacks during the first season.

At the very least, Brad has an Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct. The onset (start) would have been whenever the bully started bullying, because that would be the identified stressor. Brad's response of stabbing the bully is in marked excess to what would be expected of enduring the stressor of being bullied. Conduct Disorder, which is much more serious, can actually be ruled out due to Brad only having 2 of 3 needed criteria. Intermittent Explosive Disorder can also be ruled out, because it seems that this is the first and only time Brad has shown aggression.

If I had Brad in my office, I'd want to question him on his feelings about dad's death. he could be experiencing Bereavement, a clinical condition that can be the focus of treatment. It could be that he is experiencing "complicated bereavement" in the form of a delayed grief reaction. Since grief affects people in different ways, I'd want to explore if he thought he could be closer to his dad somehow by showing himself to be tougher or acting out of character in a more aggressive, I-can-take-care-of-myself-and-my-mom-and-sister kind of way. Adolescents are more likely to respond to grief with behaviors rather than emotions, and that might fit Brad's overreaction to the bullying to a "t."

On to the questions. As for Brad's mindset during his time on the run, if he's as smart as you say he is, my guess is that he's worried about the repercussions from stabbing the bully. He'd probably want to stick fairly close just to see if the bully dies in surgery or whatnot. He'd also want to make sure that the teacher's wound is physically taken care of, since she means so much to him. Since I don't know how he's handling his father's death, this may or may not factor in.

What would he communicate through the letters? This stumps me! I have no idea. This would depend on how close he and the teacher were, how much he trusted her not to reveal certain things to the police, whether he had ready access to books to pilfer these quotes from, or if he has certain sections memorized? And why would he communicate this way? It's like a code. (Just asking here, because I love the idea....but you'd need a solid reason. Would the teacher know the code? Like, would she recognize the book he's quoting from and realize that, say, it's location in the library would say something about where Brad is? Theorizing, here. And if that's the case, wouldn't she need to be his librarian or something?) There are just a lot of ways to go here!

As for encouragement, I'd think he'd want to know that no matter what happens to him legally and academically, he'd not be thought of less by this teacher who has been the only one to help him through his struggles. I imagine the guilt is overwhelming that he hurt her and betrayed her by not discussing things about this bully in more depth, as she probably had no idea he was about to go all Dexter on her. He's want to know that she forgave him, and only wants him to be safe...not running.

As to what would convince him to come back...perhaps if he felt he was needed, somehow? To play on the fact that his mother and sister really need him to come home, as they are having a terrible reaction to him being gone so soon after learning about his father's death? That would really lay it on thick in the guilt department, though, and he's already feeling a lot of that. It would depend on how much he felt like his presence at home was some sort of balm to his mother and sister in helping them get through the pain of his father's loss. You'd know if this was a big enough motivator for him to return, not me.

I have no idea how the courts would handle him....you'd have to ask a lawyer like Cara Putnam or Rick Aker. I've personally emailed them both various questions and gotten great feedback. I already mentioned above what would happen to him as far as school goes. My dad was an administrator at a high school, and I'm very confident that Brad would get expelled. I can't imagine that he'd only be suspended. My guess is that juvenile hall might come in there somewhere. You'll have ot research this further, as I can't be of much help.

And finally, how could the teacher respond to him if and when she sees him upon his return? She doesn't need to respond to him timidly, as if scared he might break out a knife and slice her again. Any trepidation on her part would set poor Brad back months. Open arms, Vickie. She'd need open arms. I tell this to parents whose children behave in awful ways: Your children might be disturbed, or might have made a terrible life decision that they will feel repercussions from for the rest of their life, but they are still your children. I guess the same could apply with a teacher/student relationship.

That's all I've got, Vickie.  I hope it helps out with your characterization. Thanks for writing in. Any additional questions for this character are welcomed below.

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Treatment Tuesday - Consequences of an Absent Father

This week's assessment is brought to you by Australian author Maree Giles. I'm always a bit stunned when published authors write in about their current works in progress. Well, that any person would trust me with their characters--their story--is humbling and amazing. Thank you, Maree. :)

Maree's working on a historical set in Sydney, Australia, in 1946. Maree's heroine is a famous fashion model, raised by her governess mother, who opens an etiquette school for young ladies with her mom and socializes in all the influential circles. She finds out that a widowed man with 7 children stole a frock in the department store where she works for his eldest daughter's job interview, and this opens the heroine's eyes to the human side of the petty thefts plaguing Sydney. She has the idea to make jam and pickles using the chokos that grow in the man's garden. But someone steals all the products from the man's shed. Meanwhile the man's daughter is taken in for being "exposed to moral danger" when the Sydney police found her in a bar. The girl stays in her father's custody, but is warned she may be sent to a brutal reform school. The heroine offers to enroll the girl in her etiquette school free of charge as a way to help. In addition, she expands her school in a time of high unemployment and low morale to include etiquette for Sydney's roughest, unemployed men.

Maree wants to know the following: Considering my heroine's background, what sort of personality-type would she be? She was abandoned by her father, she's a country girl with old-fashioned values, dedicated to her mother who wants her to make the most of her looks and talents, a bit of a snob and intolerant of bad manners, but caring, intelligent and deep-thinking.

At first glance, it looks like you've got her personality all figured out, Maree. But there are some places where digging a bit deeper might help you flesh her out even further.

Let's start with being abandoned by her father. From what you wrote, your heroine's father left her mother when she was born, so she had no chance to get to know him. This is going to leave a young girl wondering why her father left, and upon discovering the time frame of his departure from their family, she will likely reason that his leaving has something to do with her birth--or otherwise, her very existence. Young children are so quick to blame themselves for issues in the marital relationship. They might never say it out loud, but they internalize this untruth in various ways...from outward behaviors to inward depressions and isolation.

I'd also bet that almost to a child, children from divorced homes envy children from intact homes. They know that something is missing from their single-parent home, and can see--even from a very early age--that their home life isn't the same as Marci's or Peter's or Sarah's. Your heroine will find fathers fascinating as a result. This fascination could transfer to men in general, making her very vulnerable to influences of men.

Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places, is a great book to understand the tender psyche of a girl who essentially grew up without a father. There is a yearning to have a deep connection with a male--and this desire should be initially met for a girl by a father. Without the need being met, the girl usually will seek love and acceptance anywhere she can find it. This could be from other boy peers, or other adult men. She'll crave relationship but be scared of it at the same time, as she had no role model for what that would look like.

That said, likely your heroine transferred her desire to be loved and accepted into an unhealthy relationship with her mother. You wrote that the mother "sees potential in her daughter as a fashion model." This takes quite an enterprising and scrutinizing eye to determine this. Anyone can see that a girl is beautiful, but not just any mother would look at their child and think, "Hmm. Future fashion model." There's a difference.

To think one is beautiful is just stating a present fact, enjoying God's creation. To think one could be a fashion model is to assume a future, planning for power and influence. And it worked for this mother. The heroine becomes successful, blooming in her mother's affirmation, although it's somewhat like the difference between a rose grown inside a greenhouse to a rose found on hillside. One is natural, the other is groomed for optimal perfection.

If this girl is not constantly minding her Ps and Qs, looking flawlessly turned out at every function, then she will likely feel that her relationship with her mother will suffer, that her mother won't be proud of her, might not give her her blessing. Who's she really dressing up for? Her mom or herself? Who's she being a model for? Opening an etiquette school for?

Children want to be blessed by their parents. We all crave our parents approval and acceptance. (FYI, John Trent and Gary Smalley wrote a book about this very thing called The Blessing. Fanstastic read, especially for those individuals who can't receive a blessing from their parent, either due to death or a parent's unwillingness to give it.) So this fatherless girl, left only with an enterprising mother (who might very well love her daughter), will seek after whatever blessing and approval she can. So she will turn heads at parties. She will speak with grace and never interrupt. These actions are the currency she uses to buy love.

So YES! She's dedicated to her mother. Probably overly so. You intimated that problems will arise later when her mother begins to depend too heavily on the heroine for company. I think that will be spot on. Eventually this girl will realize there is a world out there...you mentioned having her traveling around to Paris and London and New York. That should do it. Meeting the father of 7 children will definitely expand her horizons. She might even be in awe of a man who would willingly risk getting caught by the police just to steal a dress for his daughter. She won't understand that kind of love and devotion, as her own father wouldn't even stick around to watch her grow up, much less sacrifice so much for her. And the love and devotion from her mother is more one-sided on the heroine's part. In all honesty, what has the mother given up for the heroine? What has she done, other than nudge her daughter into the spotlight while riding her coattails, so to speak?

I hope I haven't wrongly characterized your heroin's mother. I would have liked to email you back and forth a bit about her role, but that's what I get for having a 4-day Valentine's weekend and a 2-year-old birthday party, as well. Let's correspond in the comment section if I read the mom wrong. I gathered that your heroine's snobbery and intolerance of bad manners could stem directly from her mother's influence.

From what I read in your email, it looks like you've got a nice internal arc for her...coming down off the mountain a bit to fraternize with people of lower socioeconomic status, seeing their humanity. This will change her, and perhaps she'll find more in common with them than her influential circles. People are people, the only difference is that wealth aids in wearing masks more efficiently that poverty does. She'll probably be drawn to the "real" side of the rough and tumble men who take her etiquette courses, although initially she might show disdain for it--simply because that's what will be expected of her and it's something she's unfamiliar with. But she'll be drawn to it, as well. You can see the great potential for internal conflict here.

I guess that's enough for this assessment! Sometimes I get carried away, imagining talking to this person in my office. Let your heroine speak to you from that wounded place in her past...the place where a father left a vacuum. Hope this helps!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Treatment Tuesday - Bonding with an Estranged Child

This week’s assessment comes from Anita. She’s writing about Brenda*, a widowed mom whose husband was killed in a hit-and-run accident. Brenda’s 12-year-old daughter, Haley*, was always closer to her dad than Brenda, and Brenda is wondering how she can build a bridge to quiet and introverted Haley.

*Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

This is a fairly loaded question, and by loaded, I mean the possible answers are endless. I think everyone has read a book or watched a movie where one parent is widowed and left with a hurting child to comfort and console and try to “reach.”

Because of this, I think it would be helpful to go down the road of what NOT to do (i.e., what’s been overdone, clichéd, etc.) and then look at some genuine possibilities for Brenda and Haley.

So what are the ways NOT to try to win over the affection/love of a child?

1) GIFTS/MONEY – Giving gifts is so temporary. Yes, the child is thrilled when they get the gift, and perhaps for days after, but this is very much a band-aid solution. A 12-year-old girl would certainly catch on to the pattern, as well. (An aside, I’ve seen this “parental intervention” too often in my line of work as a general way of rearing children, and I’ve also seen it not work…ever.)

2) EXPANDED PRIVILEGES – This would be a desperate parent’s attempt to be cool, hip, down with it, insert-new-21st-century-lingo-word here. The idea being if they can come across almost as nonchalant, then the child will open up to them more or respect them for their coolness. Reality does not support this. The later you let them stay up/go out or the longer you let them watch tv/play video games does not correlate with warm fuzzies in the parent’s direction. More realistic would be for the child to take the rope they’re given and hang him or herself with it later.

3) LACK OF DISCIPLINE – A widowed parent might feel guilty at having to discipline a child, especially if one parent usually did the disciplining and the other did the nurturing. So it’d be easy to conceive of a single woman backing off in this department and letting a child get away with much more than the child normally would were both parents living. This is to do a child a disservice in the worst kind of way. In fact, keeping discipline the same would be more secure for them…something that didn’t change with the death of a parent. But widowed/separated/divorced parents make this mistake all the time…and kids can totally manipulate it out of them.

4) ALLOWING THEM TO SLACK OFF – Say a child’s been doing certain chores. Parent dies, everything is thrown into confusion and chaos. The last thing they might want to do is this chore, and so the surviving parent gives in and lets the child “off the hook,” which is the beginning of the end, some might say. Taking away their responsibilities or your expectations of the child (whether its with chores, grades, dating relationships, friends, whatever) is only a recipe for more rebellious behavior. The child sees the surviving parent’s guilt and soft-heartedness and takes advantage of it because—let’s face it—children can be conniving.

5) MAKING THE CHILD THE PARENT'S CONFIDANT - So not cool. Parents should still keep in mind appropriate conversations to have with their children. There is a mistake in thinking that the more adult-like topics brought up will bond the child to the surviving parent. Children still need to be children, not "peers" with their parents. They don't need to be privy to anything more than appropriate for their age level...and even once they reach adulthood it's important to keep some things sacred to the marital union, even if one partner is deceased (like finances, sex, and other private things).

The list can go on, but these are five basic ways parents can mistakenly try to bond with reticent children.

Now let’s focus on some ways a parent like Brenda could try to bond with Haley in a good way (I’ll be keeping in mind some of the additional things Anita emailed me during an email Q&A “session.”)

Since Haley is a rather quiet, introverted child, Brenda would do well to use ways that fit with Haley’s personality. Understated, consistent methods that eventually will show Haley Brenda’s heart and desire to be there for her daughter.

One way is simply TIME. Being available really speaks volumes to a child, even if during that “available time,” nothing of any real import transpires. Children need to know that even when they’re acting up, being defiant, or worse, being angry and rude, that their parent(s) are there for them. Parents have to be PATIENT with this, especially if the child isn’t used to turning to the surviving parent for comfort or companionship. Brenda wouldn’t want to make Haley feel that Haley has to talk to her. It’ll come in time…two hurting people thrown together in the same house should eventually seek solace with one another. Healing may take years, especially if Haley in any way blames the death on her mother or herself.

FORGING NEW TRADITIONS is also a great way to start fresh in the midst of tragedy. Having a time to remember the deceased parent together, like on the anniversary of his death or on his birthday. Instituting this from the beginning will help it stick. This would be a good time for the surviving parent to make a weekly goal or some sort of FAMILY TIME (or course, to remain low-key at first for the vulnerable child who might not want to feel pressured into talking). Maybe a game night or movie night or just a pizza night where no one has to do dishes. Something like that.

Finding a NEW PASTIME to do together would be helpful, some activity that isn’t like an emotional millstone around the child’s neck to remind them of the deceased parent. If Haley and her father worked in the garden a lot, then I wouldn’t suggest that Brenda try to spirit Haley off to do gardening work. Think outside the box on this one…something fun for a kid and an adult, too. Children know when the parent isn’t have a good time and is just trying to pander to them.

It'll be important for Brenda to also recognize her limitations and to embrace the idea (should this be the case) that perhaps Haley will bond to someone else during her most needy time. Anita mentioned Haley had a fondness for a local librarian, and if she spent a lot of time there, it's not unfeasible for her to latch on to this person as an anchor in her world. Brenda would need to let this happen, and not make Haley feel bad for talking with this woman. It might be hard, but in the long run, Haley will be better adjusted if she has someone to talk to.

So that's a sampling of some things that come to mind as being healthy and appropriate for a surviving parent to try with a distant child.

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.

Q4U: What are some other ways--good or bad--that a parent might try to bond with an estranged child?

Don't forget to sign up to win a copy of Mary DeMuth's new book in the Defiance, Texas trilogy, A Slow Burn, and it's prequel, Daisy Chain, at my other blog, Where Romance Meets Therapy.

Treatment Tuesday - Death of a Fiancé

This week’s character assessment is for Liberty. She wrote in about her heroine, Mandy.*

6 weeks before her wedding, 24-year-old Mandy ended up going to her fiancé Jeff’s* funeral. Shortly after his hunting accident, her parents announce their impending divorce (she’s an only child). As a result, Mandy goes into a tailspin, withdrawing from her friends (including her best friend Rob*, who introduced her to Jeff), changing her job, and moving from her city. 17 months later, she’s still wearing her engagement ring. Rob, who has secretly been in love with Mandy for about 10 years, sees her move to within an hour’s distance from him as a second chance with her. So beginning about 10 months after Jeff’s death, Rob begins to spend time with Mandy. 7 months later, she takes off the engagement ring with the help of her girlfriend, which leads to Rob telling her he loves her. Mandy is amazingly accepting of the fact Rob loves her, although she’s shocked.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

Liberty wants to know what I think about her plot and characters.

Well, kudos on the plot outline, Liberty. You’ve given Mandy a lot of internal angst and external conflict, which always makes for a good read. Let’s look at her mental condition and some other plot points to consider.

Her fiancé dies in an awful hunting accident. Jeff represents her future. Her parents indicate they’re getting a divorce. They represent her past. Likely, the grief would be very overwhelming. See my post here on the stages of grief, or, as I like to say, the phases of grief. Grief reactions are so varied that you can just about write anything and it be believable. So you write in Mandy’s reaction as withdrawal (which seems to focus in on the Depression phase) from her job and friends (and likely her parents, even, though you didn’t mention this). She’s isolating herself because surely no one else can possibly imagine what she’s going through.

Letting others in will not happen like turning on a light switch. But likely she’ll have one person that she can go to (probably the girlfriend?) to keep her sanity. Perhaps the girlfriend is insistent and persistent and won’t let up on Mandy to process what she’s feeling. I’d definitely give Many some sort of grief outlet, even though she’s withdrawing.

It’s interesting that you have her changing jobs. Why? Was there something about her journalism career that reminded her of Jeff? Even better, did she and Jeff share some sort of journalistic aspirations that maybe she felt she couldn’t achieve without him? Were they going to be a dynamic investigative duo? I’d really think about why you have Mandy change jobs, and connect this to Jeff in some way so that it suspends reader disbelief.

I read in your email that she’s now a real estate investor. I’d give a very solid motivation for her going into that field, too. Maybe Jeff was in real estate and had been asking her to join him as an investor. (Of course, realize that there is a lot of training and licensing involved in real estate, as well. Would she be up to taking the classes and tests after such enormous grief?) Or perhaps she was a financial journalist with an earlier background in real estate?

These are just some questions to get the ball rolling.

Now let’s focus on her lasting attachment to her deceased fiancé. 17 months is a long time to wear an engagement ring. Holding on to a loved one happens in many different ways, and to Mandy, the ring is a physical, tangible reminder of the love she shared with Jeff. To take it off would be to devalue her love for him in some way. Keeping it on shows her lasting love and loyalty to him. Her girlfriend would have to be way persuasive to combat this kind of cognitive reasoning, no matter how much of a fallacy it is. So how does she go about getting her to take it off? [Maybe she has her move it to the right hand first? Maybe to a different finger? These are some behavioral therapy suggestions that might work.] I assume you’ll make this a big part of her character arc…the letting go of the past, which includes Jeff. Is there another way Mandy feels she can remember Jeff without the ring? Perhaps her relationship with Rob will be just the thing she needs to keep Jeff’s memory alive between them in a healthy way, since Rob was Jeff’s best guy friend.

My suggestion is this: watch Catch & Release with Jennifer Garner. She loses her fiancé like days before the wedding in a fishing accident. The movie is a romance, though, so there is the aspect of her moving on…and the love interest is her fiancé’s best guy friend. Toward the end of the movie, there is a monologue of just Jennifer speaking that’s truly realistic and very well done. Also, read Karen Kingbury’s Lost Love series. The second book deals with the same issues as your WIP. Excellent, heart wrenching reads, both of the books, and they will give you some ideas how other authors have handled this.

As for dealing with the divorce—and her dad’s subsequent remarriage to someone almost as young as she is—you have to take into context Mandy’s age and life phase. She’s already out of the house, into a career and providing for herself. She’ll still feel the smart from the divorce, no doubt, but it probably won’t be as devastating to her as it would be to a 16-year-old. If you give her some sort of super duper connection to her dad, she could possibly construe it as abandonment. Jeff dies and her dad—the kind of guy she always looked up to and wanted to marry someone like—leaves her mom. This would be a double whammy for sure. Perhaps she picked Jeff for the sole reason that he was so much like her dad. This might make her doubt Jeff’s love for her. (Or an even deeper twist could be that Jeff wasn’t such a stand-up guy, and maybe Rob knew it all along! Maybe he was just like her dad in even a negative way. Perhaps he wasn’t faithful to her? Okay…seriously…go rent Catch & Release today.)

Looking at the time frame you’ve given Rob to work his magic, I’ll give you my two cents worth. Starting 10 months after Jeff’s death, Rob starts to spend time with Mandy. Then you said she takes off the ring, which was at least 7 months later. Jeff would have been dead for 17 months. A good rule of thumb when dealing with spouses of deceased husbands, fiancés and wives moving on is around two years. The reason for this is that usually, it takes about 2 years to psychologically work through the death of a loved one enough to move on (according to most grief research). Anything less than 2 years might cause others to be suspicious. (Let’s face it. We’ve all known someone who got remarried within a year of a spouse’s death…and we’ve all been scandalized. “She must not have loved him very much.” These are the type of thoughts you don’t want a reader having.)

The more time that passes, the better the chance is of the character and the reader being more responsive to a new romantic interest and actually cheer it on. So your 17 months is actually pretty good. It’s believable. If you want to be super safe, tweak the timing. But I wouldn’t have a problem reading it as is. Especially since Mandy and Rob were best friends before she ever met Rob’s friend Jeff. Which leads to a great reason to break the rule of thumb: previous history. She’s got personal history with Rob from long ago…makes it more believable when sparks fly later.

Briefly I’ll touch on Rob’s feelings. His best friend died, leaving the girl of Rob’s dreams suddenly “free,” in the technical sense of the word only, since Mandy’s still totally caught up in her relationship with Jeff. Rob will likely feel a lot of contention within himself about moving in on Jeff’s girl. Perhaps you can have Rob flashback to a conversation between him and Jeff before the hunting excursion where Jeff asks Rob to take care of Mandy while he’s gone. Maybe Rob feels some obligation to Jeff to make sure Mandy’s okay, but he’s hesitant to fulfill his obligation because he’s been in love with her for so long, he’s scared of losing control with her or saying something to make her uncomfortable….something like that. There would likely be some initial guilt when he discloses his love for her, but then I think part of Rob’s character arc could be to realize Jeff would have wanted his two most favorite people in the world to be happy, and if that included being happy with each other, then Jeff would have approved. (Karen Kingsbury’s book is SO good to deal with this. Her book would be a good comparable for yours to include in a proposal.)

Well, hopefully this assessment gets you thinking. I had a lot of fun with this one, actually. I’d be glad to field any questions you have in the comment section, or with another email.

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.

Q4U: Anyone care to share what you went through at the loss of a loved one?

Thursday Therapeutic Thought - Grief

This week's Thought will piggyback off last week's when I discussed grief. Hopefully you've started thinking more about secondary losses and how these play into your character's reactions as they grieve on the page.

Today, we'll look at the traditional "stages" of grief. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was the one to coin these, so I can't take credit. :)

The first traditional stage is Denial. Once the initial shock wears off, the character (or real life person) would pretend they hadn't just been given horrible news. A lot of times, they will just go back to work like nothing happened. This is really just avoidance behavior, trying to put off the inevitable.

The second stage is Anger. Whoever gets in the way here will likely be to blame. This can be explosive like a active volcano or simmering like lava. People will often question, "Why me?" and what they aren't saying is "Why not you?" They will be angry at anyone not affected by their tragedy, angry at God for allowing it to happen, angry at the deceased loved one for dying. Sky's the limit on how this might be manifested.

Third stage is Bargaining. This is when the character might seek ways out of their predicament, often in vain. They might bargain with God, hoping that if they agree to some action, God will reverse what happened. It's important not to write in someone in your manuscript offering the grieving person something they can't fulfill when the character is in this stage. Offering a person false hope during this time would be terrible.

Fourth is the Depression stage, perhaps the stage we most often associate with grief. This is when the character realizes what has happened is irreversible and they turn in to themselves. Anger and Bargaining are fairly animated phases, but depression is despair and hopelessness, an inactive phase of grief. Everything will be globally looked at from this lens.

The fifth stage is Acceptance. This is when the character comes to a place of being able to move forward with their lives despite the loss. This is when terminally ill patients begin making plans for their estate and doing things they have always wanted to do (think about the movie Bucket List).

Application:

I like to think about these phases as on a continuum. People don't always move through them one to the next (as the hurdles in the picture might suggest). Many cross between them or skip one or take two steps forward and one step back ("We go together because opposites attract..." Oh, wait. Got off track here!). Grief is so individualized, making it hard to pinpoint an exact process, so remember that while you're writing.

Good luck to you as you make your character's emotions as real as possible by incorporating some of these grief phases into your manuscript!