Weathering Hurtful Writing Comments From Your Partner

I'm wrapping up my series geared toward writers who have partners who don't "get" them and sometimes have a hard time communicating their writing needs to these partners. 

One of the themes that came up from my writer's survey was this: how do writers weather hurtful comments like "get a real job" and "when are you going to bring home some money?" Or barbs like, "No one is going to read what you write, so why waste your time?"

At the heart of statements like these is a lack of understanding, lack of compassion, and lack of respect.

One of the above is definitely indicative that the couple could benefit from counseling. 

Can you guess which one? 

Yep. Lack of respect.

Research as been done about indicators of marriages (or partnerships) that succeed or fail. And Dr. John Gottman has written the definitive material (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and How You Can Make Yours Last!) based on this research.  

And lucky for me, I've written a series based on this book already. So I want to draw your attention to some previous posts.

First of all, there are six signs that relationships are souring. Comments like the ones above definitely fall within within that realm. Gottman found one sign to be four descriptors of rocky marriages, which he called the The Four Horsemen (e.g. of the apocalypse). They were: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Comments like "get a real job" are both critical and contemptuous of writers. Seek professional help ASAP. (click to tweet!)

If you want to read more about the other five signs, then click here and here.

This might not have been the post you were expecting, but the stakes are very high in a relationship at a juncture like this. Pussyfooting around the issue doesn't do anyone a favor. 

I use the material in the 3 posts listed in couples therapy all the time. If you purchase his book (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last), it has some great self-help-type questionnaires that you can take to see if your relationship truly does match his criteria. 

To instill a little hope, I've seen couples change it around. Knowledge is power, and simply being aware of patterns can help put an end to them. 

But don't just sit there and do nothing while your partner berates you. Reach out for help, whether that's with the book or a professional counselor or a pastor.

Let's Analyze

The series is over, and I'm glad. These are hard questions that popped up in the comment section of my survey. I hope that you've found the suggestions helpful, and don't think I copped out on this post. My heart truly goes out to those with partners who are not compassionate or understanding about the singular and oft-difficult calling to write.

If you've had to deal with comments like the ones mentioned in this post, how did you deal with it? What did you say? Leave your answers anonymously if you prefer.

How to Communicate Needs to Non-Writing Partners

I'm continuing my series geared toward writers who have partners who don't "get" them. One of the questions that came up from my writer's survey was how do writers communicate with their spouses (who lean toward not being supportive) to let them know what they need, both emotionally and physically?

Let's start with Communication 101, via your friendly Character Therapist.

A Primer on Communication

 

Every message sent to someone has to be encoded by the sender (hopefully this is done well) and decoded by the receiver (hopefully this is done well). Just as in the game of Telephone, when the initial message can get distorted before it gets to the end of the line, there's all manner of "noise" that can warp the message.

Noise can be anything in the environment (children, television, cell phones ringing, etc.) or anything the receiver is going through (rough day at work, had a fender bender, just got a promotion, etc.) or anything that the sender is going through (anxiety, depression, joy, etc.).

I know...that's a lot of variables to consider.

Seven Steps to Effective Communication

1) Try to reduce as much environmental and personal "noise" as possible. (click to tweet!)

Timing is everything. You want your partner to be in a relatively good mood. You don't want them to be distracted. Kids need to be asleep or away. TV needs to be off (muted does not work!).

2) Ask if they have time to talk, because you've got something on your mind. (click to tweet!)

Even if they are sitting there looking unoccupied...you still ASK, don't assume. This means you respect their time and autonomy, and it opens channels more. If they say no, they at least know you've got something in the hopper that you want to address. If they say yes, proceed to step 3.

3) Know exactly what you want to say. (click to tweet!)


Having just a vague idea of what you want to get across isn't a good idea. Your partner likely is already on edge because you've requested to talk to them, which lends a seriousness to the conversation. Their anxiety becomes unavoidable "noise" that you have to cross, so being succinct and to the point will greatly reduce the chance that they misunderstand you.

How do you do that?

4) Be aware of your body language. (click to tweet!)

It is said (from different sources) that anywhere between 60-90% of communication is non-verbal (meaning your body language, expressions, pitch, tone of voice, etc). Be mindful of how you're standing/sitting, how you're using your hands, and how you arrange your facial expressions. The old adage is true: actions speak louder than words.

5) Use I-statements. (click to tweet!)

Never, ever, EVER start sentences with "You." Nothing puts another person on the defensive faster. Then, you've lost them as far as actually listening to you, because I guarantee that they have tuned you out while they try to come up with a rebuttal. Even if you aren't trying to be mean, and you say it nicely, it still comes across as aggressive.

Instead of "You never take care of the kids so I can write," say, "I'm disappointed when I end up caring for the kids all weekend, and I wish you'd offer to take them out some Saturdays so I could write."

That's simplistic, of course, but hopefully you get the idea. People can't argue with how you feel. Using feeling words is a great way to get across what you're wanting to say about what you need.

In general, an I-statement should have three parts:

I feel ___X___ when you do ___Y___, and I wish ___Z___.

"I feel frustrated when you leave the kids at home with me, and I wish you could take them out somewhere when you leave."

"I feel hurt when you ask if I'm ever going to get a real job, and I wish you could respect my writing more by not making comments like that."

"I don't feel valued when you expect me to do all the cooking and cleaning, and I wish you'd offer to wash the dishes or do the laundry every once in a while."

Now, I realize that it looks simplistic, but actually saying these things is very difficult. Your knees might be knocking, even more so if you and your spouse have had many a row over your writing.

6) Listen in return.

Also easier said than done. But you're asking for them to hear you out, so you need to be willing to do the same...even if the outcome isn't what you had hoped to hear. It's okay to be hurt by something that is said in return, and it's okay to cry...but do hear them out. Then you can try to respond with an I-message, conveying your feelings about what they said.

7) End the conversation if things get heated. (click to tweet!)

Request to continue it later when emotions aren't running so high. What happens to folks whose disagreement turns into a fight is that they cease actually arguing about the issue at hand and begin slinging insults about the person and/or fighting about the fighting. Not beneficial...so walk away with an agreement to revisit it later.

Word of Caution

All the communication skills in the world might be insufficient when trying to communicate your needs to someone who doesn't value what you do. Sad, but true. Essentially, you're working within a deficit, and if you don't acknowledge this up front, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Monitor your expectations. If your spouse has been very unyielding, then don't ask for the moon. Start small. Baby steps in the right direction are better than being stonewalled.  (click to tweet!) #3 above should take some thought and consideration. These steps aren't a magic cure-all for a relationship mired in conflict, but they do offer hope and a potential way to meet on the same page.

Consider marital therapy if you think having a mediator present would be helpful. Someone who doesn't have a vested interest in either side can do wonders for helping partners really "see" the issues at hand by stepping outside themselves.

Let's Analyze

Any other suggestions you'd make for communicating effectively about such a touchy subject? Have you ever used I-statements successfully? Leave a story below about how you did.

Helping Non-Writing Partners "Get" Your Passion

As promised, I'm addressing some of the themes that solidified from analyzing the results of my writer's quiz. Today I'll focus on suggestions to help people "get" your passion to write.

In the comment section on my survey, many frustrated writers said they wished their partners would understand them better. Several commented that their partners weren't readers, so they felt even more hopeless about ever reaching a level of understanding.

Addressing Your Expectations

I'll never forget driving cross-country as a newlywed and reading Liz Curtis Higgs' Lowlands of Scotland series. I was crying my eyes out, turning the pages, and my husband looks over at me and says, "What's wrong with you?" I self-deprecatingly laughed at my "stupidity" and said it was "a sad book."

Those of you who have read this series know that these books aren't just sad. They. Are. Heart. Wrenching. I felt every injustice Leana endured with the very fibers of my heart. I could easily insert myself into the story and feel utter, complete empathy for her plight as the "unloved" sister, reminiscent of Leah in the Bible.

Why do I tell you this story?

Because there are two types of people in the world: those who read and those who don't. As a writer, if you married a non-reader, it's unrealistic to expect them to start picking up books--especially your books--if they never did so before.

It's probably a bad idea to try to read the same book together, even. Inevitably your partner will not take it as seriously as you, or he won't understand how or where you glean the insight from the book that you do. It's not in their genetic make-up.

So expecting someone like this to comprehend how you can lose yourself in story, how you can occupy hours/days/weeks/months with honing your craft, how you wait with bated breath for contest results or for "the call"...this is a T A L L order.

Learn to Speak the Language of Metaphor

       


To help them get you as a writer, you have to reach your spouse with a metaphor. You might not have to dig all that deep for the right metaphor, but it does have to be tailored to him/her.

What's your partner into? If money were no option, time no obstacle, children no speed bump...what would your partner do? Hopefully your partner's pastime would be something easy to compare to, like photography, fly fishing, gardening, bowling, playing basketball, watching football, sewing, or underwater basket weaving.

The same things they get a thrill out of, a rush from, a feeling of satisfaction from...these can translate well to writing. While the delivery of the endorphin rush is through a very different mechanism, it's still an endorphin rush.

And anything worth doing well is worth spending some time perfecting. Writing isn't easy. It can be heart-breaking. It can be frustrating. It can be tedious. But many hobbies out there also invoke these same feelings.

Stay alert, looking for how you can metaphorically connect your writing passion with that of your partner's. I think you'll be surprised at how metaphors can come together nicely.

For my husband, I used his love of rock climbing to help him understand what it's like for me to write. He has to prepare for each excursion, getting all his tools (carabiners, ropes, etc). Me, I have to have my laptop (justified my MacAir with this metaphor....do you know how expensive climbing gear is?), craft writing books, reference books, etc. Since I'm a seat of the pants writer, I compared his trying to take one path up the mountain and realizing it wasn't going to work to my writing myself into a corner. Oops. You repel back a few chapters and start on a different path. And of course, when he summits, that's when I type "The End." [Quite lovely analogy, really.]

And you know what? He got it.

My only issue now is that I suit up to do this every day...and he only climbs mountains once a month, if that. (More on this later.) So the metaphor breaks down, I suppose, as many metaphors do. But the thrill, the rush, the excitement of starting a new project/mountain, the frustration of not succeeding/rewriting, the investment into tools/laptops...those things remain.

Let's Analyze

What's your partner into? Let's brainstorm some analogies below! And I'm ready for somebody to try to throw me for a loop with this...bring it. I think where there it a will, there's a way. Don't give up before you get started!