Dear Jeannie: Romance Without the Main Ingredient?

Dear Jeannie,

A while ago I wrote in about Skylar and his lack of ability to trust. Your comments have really helped my understanding of him as a character, but I'm having trouble thinking of what might make him trust again. Since his normal response to anyone trying to talk to him is to close himself off, it's difficult even to get him to listen to anyone. Since he's going to have to learn to trust someone if he wants his wings healed, I want him to learn to open up. Are there any events that might make him more comfortable trusting again that don't involve visiting a therapist of some sort, or would he need outside intervention to make any progress?

Still Broken in Baltimore


Dear Still Broken,

Trust is earned. That takes time and patience on behalf of the person trying to earn his trust, assuming there is such a person. There will be a push-pull kind of dance that the other person must be willing to engage in. Skylar will pull away, and that person will have to be willing to give him his space, but push when needed, to insert themselves in a way that doesn't turn Skylar off. In general, you're going to need someone who fits the Golden Retriever characteristics, who'll be willing to hang in there when the going gets tough. Yes, Skylar can learn to trust someone without therapeutic intervention...but you'll want to pay attention to the passage of time in your book to make this realistic. Hope that helps!


Dear Jeannie,
Cass grew up in in a privileged, sheltered, eccentric Medieval family. Cass's parents offered her hand in marriage as a prize in a tournament, and her older brother's friend and trainer, Will, won. He's stubborn, practical, consistent, quiet and considerate. Well, that was then, and this is now. Will hasn't said two words to her since the very sudden wedding, having taken off to fight in any battle the king saw fit. Cass has been left home to a) build their castle, b) handle all estate affairs, and c) finish growing up (she was YOUNG at the time). She's also gone through a disturbing growth spurt that nearly crippled her for a year and has changed her appearance so much that her own family almost doesn't recognize her. Will's on his way back for the first time, and Cass is surprisingly angry. I can guess at some of why, but she's inarticulate with rage, and I can't talk to her. Help!
Furious in Fresno 


Dear Furious,

Well, let's see. Most young girls grow up with visions of knights and white horses (figuratively, but perhaps literally for her). And this knight of sorts wins her hand, which is oh-so-romantic. Then he leaves her high and dry to serve his country. Noble, yes...not so romantic. And then she's thrust into this solitary role of construction and estate affairs, while still a child. Her growth spurt cripples her for a year, and she had no husband upon which to draw strength or solace. She's got all the trappings of the life she wanted without the main ingredient: an active, involved husband. So when he comes riding up, I don't have much trouble imagining her anger at her predicament. If he's been away for years, as I presume, she's been able to sit and stew on her situation for a loooooong time. Doesn't bode well for Mr. Will. I imagine she lets him have it with both guns blaring (uh, swords swinging?), or she gives him the total silent treatment, continuing to run things as she sees fit until it clashes with his way of wanting to do things....then there will be a showdown to end all showdowns.

Is this what you had in mind with your write-in? Didn't give me much...so I just free-associated, if you will. :)

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Maybe I've got answers! Leave your question below anonymously, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle. I'll post my response in future Dear Jeannie columns on Fridays.

Dear Jeannie: Spoiled Teens, Past Lives & Equinophobia (Fear of Horses)

Dear Jeannie,

I cannot tell if my young MC is spoiled or rebellious. Or maybe neither? Lynn grew up as the pampered, complacent child in a family of sharp tempers and strong opinions. She happened to agree with the rules and expectations placed on her, so issues like conflict resolution, self control, or authority were left to other people. Summoned to a foreign court as a teenager, Lynn finds herself ill-prepared for the schemes, responsibilities, and power struggles that ensue there. When told what to do (or what she can't do), Lynn keeps getting washed away with unexpected anger, stubbornness, and a severe case of the "will nots." She doesn't seem to have any coping strategies in place, and no one who loves her recognizes the furious, power-mad person she's turning into. So, I'm not sure (a) quite what's happening with Lynn (whose full-on tantrums erupt when she's in her late teens/early twenties, following one too many betrayals), and (b) how I can either equip her to handle herself better or provide people/experiences to mature her properly. Any suggestions appreciated!

Off-Guard in Eutawville


Dear Off-Guard,

You wrote that Lynn was a complacent child amidst a family of sharp tempers/opinions. I assume she "happened" to agree with the rules and expectations because they indulged her rather than gave her boundaries. A steady diet of this type of spoiled upbringing will leave a child ill-equipped to deal with life when things don't go her way. So the answer to your first question is that Lynn is both spoiled and rebellious. She's going to kick against the goads when any kind of rules are imposed on her. And if this is when she's a teen, then so be it. I'm not sure what "full-on tantrum" means in your book, or what betrayals she's suffered, but I do have one suggestion that would work for helping her gain empathy. If she were exposed to another person, close to her age, preferably her own sex, who had things so much worse off than her...a slave, if you will...and were to strike up a friendship with her, she'd have to wrestle with the discrepancies in their life situation. Of course, the slave would handle what Lynn perceives as insults with aplomb instead of anger. Acceptance that life isn't always what you want it to be. Lynn needs a little yang to her yin, you know? Try that out and see if it helps.


Dear Jeannie,

Cicely is about to get dragged away, very reluctantly, on something you might call an "adventure" - although it quickly turns into a nightmare. Cicely's mother has dragged her all around the world her entire life and while it's been fun, is it plausible that Cicely is sick to death of it and would want a plain and simple life more than anything? The other guy is one who's been reincarnated time and time again. He remembers slivers of his past lives and not all of them were good people - in fact, they've done some awful, bloody things. How deeply do you think this would affect what he's like?

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Your first question seems very simple: people want what they can't have. It's been that way since the  beginning of time...the whole forbidden fruit, and all that. If Cicely has been high flyin' all her life, it's very feasible that she'd want to settle down, have sleepovers and proms and all that, like a normal person. As for your other question, a man who has glimpses of some of the awful things he's done in past lives...I imagine that's very much like a person who "loses time" (dissociates or goes into a fugue state) and remembers glimpses of it later. It's very disconcerting, leaving the person apprehensive, and sometimes fearful of these recollections. Depending on how he felt currently about some of the "bad" behaviors, I'd think he'd want to right wrongs, so to speak. Maybe they'd make him more circumspect, handling people with more kindness. Hope this helps.


Dear Jeannie,

Katy was a witness to her parents' death by a favored horse. She had been outdoorsy and good with animals before this, but a crippling fear of horses changed a lot of things. Stables practically give her hives. As a young adult, she'd now like to leave her foster home. Which involves getting on a horse again. Part of her knows the fear is irrational, but telling herself that doesn't seem to help. And she has lost her only "friend" (more like a captor), so she's without any kind of support system to encourage her attempts. Not just this first time someone throws her on the back of an animal, but also in subsequent attempts to ride, how is she going to react or process this fear?

Unseated in Union Station


Dear Unseated,

You wrote that Katy was "thrown on the back of an animal." With a fear like hers, this would be debilitating.  But you also wrote that she's without a support system to "encourage her attempts," which indicated that she did make attempts. So depending on how her early attempts went to get back on the horse, she might be able to function through her fear, especially if her body knew what to do while her mind was preoccupied. Don't underestimate how strong latent memory can be. It's like riding a bike or brushing your teeth. The only variable is the horse itself. I'm not a rider, but I've been told they sense and react to fear themselves. But it if's the favored horse she knew well and loved, then the animal might overlook her tenseness. I'd ask a horse rider, though, for sure. Psychologically, she's do much better if she went through a process of systematic desensitization.  Let me know if this answers your question. Best of luck!

GOT QUESTIONS?

Maybe I've got answers. Leave your questions below anonymously, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle. I'll post my answers in a future Dear Jeannie column.

 

 

Dear Jeannie: Displaced Anger and Multiple Personalities

Dear Jeannie,
In the 18th year of Blake's life, his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and he learned that his father had another son, Jaxon, who is just 6 months older than Blake. Jaxon was born in England of a different woman. Blake's mother died a year later, and Blake believed that his mother lost the battle with cancer so quickly because of her husband's obvious betrayal. How would these issues affect the way Blake deals with the woman he's in love with, and what would his feelings be for the half brother, Jaxon, whom he never really knew. How do you think Blake would react when he meets Jaxon for the first time? 

Sincerely,
Author in the Tropics 


Dear Author in the Tropics,

You could go a few different ways with this, but most likely Blake will harbor residual resentment toward the brother he never knew. It's human nature to want to find a target to blame, even in circumstances when there clearly is no one to blame. Jaxon would be a prime mark. The timing of uncovering the knowledge of his existence, coinciding with his mother's lost battle to cancer would make his emotions run very high. Depending on how much you let Blake simmer and stew about Jaxon, that would make a big difference in how Blake reacts when he meets him. You could have him be standoffish, or take a swing at him, or give him an evil eye. Bound to be tension. As to how he reacts to the woman he loves...I'm not sure I understand the connection. Are you thinking Blake would be wary to commit to someone, being fearful that he might be cheated on like his dad cheated on his mom? Otherwise, I'd think he's cling to the woman in his life to help him get through these difficult events.

I also want to make sure I understand something, so there's not a potential hole in your plot. Did Blake's mother find out about Jaxon when Blake was 18? Or had she already known about him? Feel free to dialogue in the comment section. Good luck!


Dear Jeannie,

My characters were on a cruise ship that exploded, and they lost their memories. Before this, they'd each had multiple undercover assignments. Mary can only remember one of her covers, with her husband, but no children. Meanwhile Charlie/Nicolo/Martin/Danil so compartmentalized his identities that he has developed MPD and different languages or situations will trigger each personality, none of which were married. Which would be the greater trigger to put him back together: falling in love again in the place where he originally proposed, or seeing his daughter's face?

Splitting Hairs in Alaska


Dear Splitting Hairs,

The scenario you've presented is fairly unlikely; however, I realize that you're writing a work of fiction. The proper terminology for multiple personalities is now Dissociative Identity Disorder. (Click on the link and read about half-way down...lots of info.) It's true that people suffering from DID can have various different languages, handwriting styles, tones of voice...very cool. So that works for your story, and it's neat that you've got two people who specialize in undercover operations. As to what can put him "back together," that's oversimplifying things. Treatment for DID varies according to practitioner, but it's never like the self completely shatters and there are no vestiges of the primary identity left. True DID would mean Charlie is aware of the other alternate personalities, but perhaps not in control of when they come out.  Since you've moved away from this idea, I imagine you could take your pick of how you want to reintegrate him. Just make sure it's clear that it's a work of fiction and that you took creative license. No one should take offense. :) Best of luck!


Got questions of your own? Leave them in the comment section, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle, and I will post my answers in next week's column.

Dear Jeannie: Guilt and Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Dear Jeannie,

My MC decides to go to war after a childhood hero is tortured to death by the enemy, and the execution broadcast as shock-propaganda. Two years later, my MC is killed in the same manner by the same man, only to be revived by enemy doctors and told that she is now required to serve a year working in the enemy hospital to pay for her resurrection. Shortly thereafter, she finds that the childhood hero is alive and working as a nurse. Now the pair have finally sparked a real conversation regarding their experiences, and it was my Old Soldier who brought it up. I'm unsure as to how my MC will deal with her death and resurrection, or whether my Old Soldier will feel that her death was indirectly his fault.

Wondering in Washington


Dear Wondering,

This is one of those questions that could go a lot of different ways. The Old Soldier childhood hero could very likely feel it was his fault the MC is now in his same condition, especially if she made it clear that she only joined the war because of him. 

As for your MC, her first reaction to the death/resurrection (outside of "what the h--- just happened?") would be to wish she hadn't survived. She would likely be angry at being revived only to work for the enemy, and her anger would be in direct proportion to how fervent she was in her war ideology. However, upon meeting her childhood hero, she might be grateful to learn he's still alive, sad that he's been held captive for the enemy, and determined to find them both a way out from their oppressor.

I, for one, would love to know what you're going to do next with this interesting plot. Kudos!


Dear Jeannie,

My protag's husband is struggling with an "inner demon." His grandfather and great-grandfather were also "possessed." He learns to control his anger through meditation, yoga, exercise and massage. His bursts of anger range anywhere from a firecracker exploding to a volcano erupting. Can this type of anger be hereditary? Or is it just the inability to cope with stress? Those who are not exposed to these bursts see him as a loving husband, hardworking employee, and loyal friend.

Lost in Translation


Dear Lost,

I'm interested in how you are portraying this man's anger and explosiveness as a demon. Is this because of their religious background? What it sounds like you are describing is Intermittent Explosive Disorder, a very real problem many people face, no matter how you view it (chemical imbalance, demon, etc).

Essentially, the disorder requires several distinct episodes of failure to resist aggressive impulses (both physical and verbal) that results in assaultive acts, destruction of property, or nondestructive/noninjurious physical aggression. Also, the degree of aggression expressed is way out of proportion to what precipitated it. The impulsive nature of these actions has to cause marked distress, impairment, or negative consequences for the individual.

Mental disorders can definitely be inherited, but they can also be a learned behavior, so to speak. If your MC's husband witnessed his father (who witnessed his father) blowing up as a way to be heard, feared, revered and respected, then it's not unheard of for children to pick this up.

Hope this helps!

Got Questions? I'm one away from being OUT.

Post them anonymously below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle.
I'll get to them in future Dear Jeannie columns.

The Crush of Betrayal

Have you ever had an experience where you thought you knew someone...really knew them...only to discover you actually knew nothing about them?

I recently found myself in this predicament, and short of all the cliches I could think of to describe it (e.g., the wool being thrown over my eyes, the rug being pulled out from under me, etc.), the experience itself was educational.

The wiser, more street-savvy me would tell the wide-eyed, innocent me I was a few months ago a few things, let me tell you. I guess I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kinda girl. I'm the same at home, at church, in my car, in front of children...in the mental health field, it's called congruence.

This is a sign of good mental health.  (Aren't you glad to know I'm not loopy?) People who knew me in college would know me today. Don't get me wrong here--I've changed based on experience and education--but my core personality is the same.

What happens, though, when your personality is fractured? I'm not talking about Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). I'm talking about incongruence. Being different people depending on what environment you're in.

How hard that must be, trying to keep it all straight. Trying to keep the lives separate, the people from interacting, the secrets from coming out. How exhausting--mentally, physically, emotionally.

And the fall out is earth-shattering for those who knew only one side of the person. My world had been tipped on its axis. Nothing felt secure or safe anymore. I have constantly second-guessed my interactions with this person, and the extent to which I let them in my life, in my home, around my child.

I was so clueless.

And I'm still utterly enraged at this person.

Once the shock about and the denial of the other aspects of their personality, their other life, I went straight to anger...and I'm still there. Who did they think they are, anyway? Leading everyone down a merry path that was all a LIE.

Having this kind of experience has been depressing, yes, but it's also been instructional. I'm not going to say that I won't trust anyone anymore, but I'm going to take to heart the advice from Matthew 10:16. We are sheep amongst wolves, and we need to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. To me, this means to have a little discernment.

Face value is sometimes just that...face value.

Let's Analyze

Have you ever had an experience like what I've just described? How did you deal with it? How long did it take you to accept the other "lives" of the person you knew? Do you know of any good books based on someone making a discovery like this?

Character Clinic: Jun Un Baek and Anger Insight for Authors

Today, I've got Sharon's character on the couch. He's 15, of some Oriental or Asian descent, living in America. His sister brought them to America when their parents died, but then she died, and Jun ended up in the foster care system. He's an extremely angry, intelligent young man, and Sharon is wanting some general commentary on the intake form she filled out.

Sharon -

My initial thoughts on Jun is that it's going to be difficult--not impossible--to sustain a novel with him as the main character. He's angry, yes, and with how you wrote his voice, it comes across to the reader in an overt manner that this is one ticked off guy. It might become annoying to a reader to be bombarded with his anger over and over (at least, it was this way in the intake form).

My question is why? Yes, he's had a hard life, and suffered a lot of loss. This would make anyone mad at the world, mad at God, mad at themselves. But you want to be careful that your 15-year-old character doesn't come across sounding like a sulking 8-year-old. He's 15, and his coping mechanisms will be different, and a little more covert. On paper, he sounded like he was on the brink of a tantrum.

You wanted to know if he sounded authentic, and I think there is still some work to be done to make him realistic.  Good news is that there are lots of resources out there! I'd encourage you to read this post I did several years ago about anger as a secondary emotion. It might help with solidifying the real emotion behind his front of anger, and that will aid in making him multidimensional. And then you can check out The Bookshelf Muse for some additional ways to exhibit his anger, such as working his jaw and flaring his nostrils.

Anger management therapeutic techniques are fairly easy to come by on the internet, as well. There is a free downloadable .pdf workbook and manual from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Association. This is an awesome site with tons of free materials that are really helpful. So check that link out for additional insight into anger.

Wishing you the best with Jun!

Character Clinic: Siron

Today's character on the couch is Siron, a 19-year-old in Taylor's fantasy novel. He never knew he father, but his mother said he reminded her too much of him, thus she didn't like him. Siron's biggest regret was accidentally killing his mother. He pushed her into a stove, and she badly burned herself, which he intended, but then she cracked her head open when she fell. Now he and his sister, who Siron would do anything for, are penniless and starving. Siron's entire motivation hinges around his sister, keeping her happy, healthy, and alive.

Taylor wants to know: What would make Siron's devotion to his sister more realistic? What would it take for his devotion for her to break? And what would it take for Siron to become someone who no longer cares for anyone but himself?

Taylor -

The first thing my mind went to when you asked what would make his devotion more realistic was one word: GUILT. If some action of Siron's had inadvertently harmed his sister, either physically or emotionally, then he'd naturally feel responsibility.

What if when he pushed his mother into the stove, she stumbled over Siron's sister, causing her to fall into the stove as well? Even a small scar at Siron's hand might give credibility to his extreme protectiveness.

You already would have the built-in guilt of having taken away her mother. Even though Siron didn't mean to kill her, he did intend to hurt her. Either way, he would be removing his sister's parent. She was favored by his mother, so it would stand to reason that his sister had a good relationship with their mother.

So for his devotion to break (I assume you mean to stop altogether), a blatant disregard for his sacrifices for her might override the guilt. Then you would have Siron's emotions switch to anger, which is a secondary emotion. His true inner emotion would be more like disappointment or worry or fear (for her safety or even that of his own). [Click on the picture to the left to enlarge it. I use this in therapy all the time.] If his sister were to somehow fly in the face of his protection, or to somehow put them in further danger--that might make Siron question his utter devotion, and possibly help him live more for himself than solely her.

Hope you've enjoyed your time on the couch! If you want to go deeper, I'd be glad to have a longer session! Just click here.

Treatment Tuesday - When All is Not as it Seems

This week's assessment comes from Shannon. She's writing a historical fantasy about Justin*, who grew up in Rosentia Manor, a manor house where some really strange stuff happens. He thought his father killed his mother, but found out later she was an adoptive mother. His real father had felt unable to protect his son and sought to "hide" him as the son of a woman who had given birth to a newborn. Justin witnesses who he thought was his dad kill his adoptive mother and he was adopted by the nurse. She later tries to kill him when he was 12 because she thought he was a monster.

Justin flees the house with friends to a far-away city and becomes the makeshift leader of his group. Justin spent time with monks before being kidnapped by a cult at 13. At 14, he's a bit of a control freak about his emotions for fear he'll lose everything. He's also very manipulating with great charisma. He ends up being sheltered by the Rosentia family he originally loathed: his real father, who is self-hating, verbally abusive, vicious when drunk, and a former drug abuser and sexually abused teenager; his uncle, who is stern, emotionally flat, and kinda turns into a wolfman when angry; and his real mother, who is his father's closest servant pretending to be a traumatized mute because she's from a noble house who are the enemies of the Rosentias.

Shanon wants to know: What sort of issues will Justin have during his teenage years?

You've got so much going on here that it was a bit difficult to make head or tails of it, but I'll just start with the most important thing first.

This is not the first plot I've read about that features a hero or heroine who grew up thinking one thing about his parents and learning later in life that it was all a lie. What's even more disturbing is that I've met and counseled a young woman who was in the same situation, and the effects are utterly devastating.

Think of the tired cliche of pulling the rug out from under someone's feet. They fall, sputter, injure themselves. Well, Justin would be doing all of these things, but in emotional and behavioral terms instead of physical ailments.

The young girl I'm thinking of was around 12 when she found out her sister was actually her mother, and that who she thought was her mother was actually her grandmother. This young girl spun out of control and ended up hitting the streets, unable to come to terms with the different reality she was presented with. She was physically volatile, unable to control her emotions, and mentally unstable. (But that's not to say everyone presented with something similar would turn out the same. If there's one thing I overly caution about on this blog it's that people are individuals, and formulas don't really work in the mental health field. It's not an exact science.)

Justin would feel no security being in the presence of his real family. Likely he'd feel let down, disappointed, resentful, angry, and possibly even in denial. Depending on how you're going to make him take on the Rosentia curse, Justin would likely react against any characteristic or part of himself that would define him as part of that family or align him with them. Teens are rebellious by nature, and his earlier hurt of finding out all was not as it seems would carry on through his teenage years like a burning torch. But if the curse is drastic enough, one during which he'll need the guiding hand of his father to help him through it, that could nicely overcome the resistance Justin feels.

I'm reminded of the show True Blood on HBO, because I love that show. Sam Merlotte is a shapeshifter (look at is like Justin's curse) and he found out at 15 that he could turn into animals at the full moon. He had no one to guide him into this discovery because he was given up for adoption by his shapeshifter mother, and later, when presented with the chance to meet his mother, grabs it, longing to have connection yet still resentful that he had to learn who and what he was by himself. Justin could very well be like Sam, feeling both of those diametrically opposed feelings like two sides of a coin.

You've also mentioned that Justin lived with monks for a while and gets kidnapped by a cult, but you didn't go into detail. Both of those events could be life-altering for a young preteen. Since you kind of glossed over it in the sketch, I'll gloss over it here, but depending on what happens to him under both circumstances, he could potentially carry that well into his teenage (and adult) years, particularly if there was any kind of abuse, either of the legalistic emotional kind (stereotypically would come from the monks) or physical/sexual/emotional kind (stereotypically from the cult).

If more clarification is needed, just send me some more info in the comment section to work with and I'll do my best. Good luck!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

T3 - Five Payoffs of Anger...Or Not

Why does your character holds on to his or her anger?

There are several reasons, so as you read through, try to pinpoint the ultimate motivation behind your character's.

1) Anger reduces stress. Everyone has stress, and no one person's stress is the same. But everyone's stress creates a physiological arousal in the body that is felt as tension. The more stress the person has, the more tension.

The payoff is that a person can blow up and ease this tension temporarily. It's like they feel oddly relaxed, or that they can breath easier. Popping your top can be very reinforcing because the person can just take a break from everything that overwhelms them. Of course, the tension returns, and usually greater than it was before, which is why getting angry as a coping mechanism is ineffective.

2) Anger hides emotional pain. I did a post here on how anger is a secondary emotion. When a person gets angry, the payoff is not having to deal with that primary emotion, whether it's fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, or jealousy.

The problem with this payoff is that the primary feeling will get worse when it's not dealt with. This means that a person will have to get angrier and angrier to eclipse that emotion. Using anger in this way also becomes habitual, and even the slightest hurt or criticism can set a person off. (For example, you're a little worried/paranoid about your partner not being as into you as you hoped. When you see the partner smile at another person while waiting in line at the grocery store, you pop your lid.)

3) Anger gets your attention. You can blow off steam by yelling and screaming, and some people will sit up and take notice. They might get alarmed and try to calm you down. But not everyone responds to angry people that way. Many will tune out a person an a tirade, or they will get defensive, start avoiding you, or hold a grudge against you. Plus, the people who do respond eventually become seasoned and hardened to the angry person. When at first they were alarmed and listening, later they get disgusted and resentful.

4) Anger can be used for punishment and revenge. When we're hurt or let down, it's human nature to want to inflict as good as we get. So we carefully plan out our revenge or we boil over unexpectedly in the moment, and it feels good. But the problem with acting on this impulse is that you make enemies...usually out of the very people you love the most, because so often it's those we care about who hurt us the most.

5) Anger helps you manipulate others. Anger can be used to extort things from others. The fear of a blow up can coerce someone into complying with a demand (often used by abusers). In the long run, these people will usually turn away from the angry person, because who wants to be controlled by fear?

What's not so often understood is that the angry person is in pain and is placing the responsibility to change that painful situation outside of themselves. This can leave the angry person feeling helpless when others don't "fix" their problems, which can lead to depression.

So why does your character revert to indulging in their anger? Is it one of these 5 reasons, or something else? Would love to hear your thoughts.

T3 - The Cycle of Abuse

Many of our characters struggle with abusive relationships--either currently or in their past. I thought delving into the psychology behind abuse might be helpful for today's Therapeutic Thought.

Take a look at the diagram. The yellow Honeymoon Period and the red Tension Building Period are indicative of "normal" relationships. Most all husbands and wives (or partners or what have you) go through these two stages--swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

The Honeymoon Period is just like what it sounds like. All fun and games, gifts, flowers, promises, and apologies (especially after a Tension Building phase). But the Tension Building phase brings in the little criticisms, some yelling at each other, swearing, even. It's when anger sets up a tent in the living room and people can feel they are walking on eggshells in their own home.

Alternating between the two is considered normal, even healthy. A relationship isn't tested until it hits a few bumps in the road, and when the bonds hold, the relationship is that much stronger for it. While this isn't the best news for married people, it's great news for writers. Tension makes our stories unputdownable. (Yes, I know that's not a word.) All you women's fiction writers out there who like to focus on the married couple instead of the sexual-tension-dating-phase couple usually create something huge that happens between the husband and wife, upsetting the Honeymoon Period and beginning a page-turning story. Usually, this is infidelity, pornography, or drug addictions coming to light.

But for an abuser, they can't go back to the Honeymoon Period without complete the cycle and Exploding. The Tension Building phase gradually escalates to psychological abuse--also called "gaslighting" (where they play mind games on the victim and make them think they are going crazy). They will isolate the victim from all support systems (see diagram below), and drug/alcohol addictions add to the mix in a horrific manner.

The abuser's inability to manage their anger is so lacking that they spiral out of control, sometimes blacking out in rage and not being fully aware of what they do. They can attack someone else physically, emotionally or sexually. A lot of women get raped during this time. Burns, broken bones, stabbings, bruises...and so much more.

The abuser then slips into the charming, charismatic, loving partner they were in the beginning when things were so good. They apologize, give gifts, flowers, cry, and say "I'll never do it again." The victim, desperately wanting to believe they haven't fallen in love with a monster, believes them (or doesn't, even) and it starts all over again.

One thing I recently found out in a domestic violence training is that a battered woman typically tries to leave her partner EIGHT times before she successfully disentangles herself from the relationship. Eight times of trying to make it in a shelter or with a friend, trying to take children away from the home only to be brought back by some financial insecurity or emotional connection with the abuser that renders the woman powerless in the situation.

Abuse is rampant in the world, so it's little wonder it shows up in our fiction. Understanding the mindset of the abused is difficult, as we're on the outside, looking in. What we often don't realize is that the abused woman has been trained/brainwashed to not seek out help or attention, to blend in to the scenery by trying to hide/cover their bruises. They often get upset or agitated when someone asks a pointed question or probes too deeply. But deep down, they do want help--they are just scared to get it. It's such a psychology trap.

If you have any specific questions about this cycle, I'd be happy to field them in the comments section if I can.

Q4U: Have you ever tried to talk a woman out of an abusive relationship? What were her reasons for staying? How did that feel?

Treatment Tuesday - A "Dethroned" Firstborn

This week, Jenna wrote in about her character, Haley*, a 14-year-old girl in her fantasy novel who grows up the only child of a king and queen. She knows that before she was born, her mother had two other children who were kidnapped and likely murdered, but their status is unknown. Haley's mom spends an inordinate amount of time brooding over and searching for them, to the point Haley feels almost abandoned. But she does spend lots of time with her father who is prone to fits of rage.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

Jenna wants to know: How will these family dynamics affect Haley's relationship with her brother and sister when they are found later?

You've got some built-in tension here, Jenna, which is great. Whatever reaction you plan Haley to have will no doubt be, at the impressionable age of 14, overblown. Teenagers can be sullen, giggly, moody, energetic, rebellious, oversocial, disrespectful or any combination of the above one day and another combination the next. The daughter of a king and queen is no exception. :)

For all practical purposes, Haley is a firstborn only child. (Experts say that any time there is a ten-year of greater gap between siblings, it's like starting over again in birth order.) Haley will have all the tendencies of a firstborn because she will think of herself as an only child.

Alfred Adler was a psychologist who did a lot of work with birth order. He believed that the position of a person's birth order in the family had a profound development on a child's personality. His theory isn't based on empirical research, but he believed that firstborn children are dethroned by the birth of other siblings, causing the firstborn to now share parental attention with a "rival." In order to cope with this traumatic betrayal, firstborns either become problem children or they strongly emulate their parents. Because of their identification with their parents and their perceived loss of status, power and authority become extremely important to firstborn children.

So this is something to think about with Haley, bearing in mind it's not validated research. But we probably all know someone who might fit this bill. (Stereotypes are based on reality, after all.) When her brother and sister are found, she'll feel like her position was "usurped," even though she is actually younger than they are. To add to her problems, she already felt betrayed by her mother's constant vigilance in looking for her lost children. So Haley probably would already have a heart dose of jealousy for these siblings she's never met.

How would this affect her relationship with them? I imagine she'd be very slow in warming up to them. I think she'd probably give her parents a run for their money with discipline problems, and it likely would all be an attempt to get their attention. (Because I imagine Queen Mom is going to be enamored of her found children and be even less emotionally available.) To a child and teen, any attention is better than no attention. This is why children act out and do terrible things at times. They are seeking negative attention to feed their need for some sort of attention.

This seems like a very likely course of action for her to take. She's a teen, and she's got highly volatile emotions at this age. Children feel things so strongly, but they don't yet possess the intellectual insight or personal control to process these feelings with words. Instead, they use behaviors (quite similar to toddlers and small children). Teens at least can verbalize things, but often they are too overwhelmed by their emotions to sit down and actually express it.

For my Christian readership, they will identify the scenario you have in your book as being similar to Jesus' parable of the prodigal son. When the younger son asked for his inheritance and took off to live the fast life, the oldest son stayed there at home with his father. The father kept vigil and prayed for the return of his youngest...all while the eldest son stayed and worked hard. When the youngest returned, the father was overjoyed and ran out to meet him, bestowing on him a ring and robe and sandals and killed the fatted calf to have a big party for him. It's usually a feel-good parable that ends there...but there are a few verses that follow describing the eldest son's reaction...and the guy is angry. (Luke 15:11-32)

But I'd say you're free to have her react in many ways. She might be relieved that her brother and sister are finally found, because maybe for her, she'll feel that she actually got her mother back. There's something unsettling about what a person doesn't know. It can consume us, wondering about what might have been. Now that they are found, her mother won't be absorbed with looking for them. So you could spin it more positively.

Let me know what you think and if you have any additional questions by leaving them in the comment section. All comments are welcome!

Once again....the queue is low right now...so it's a good timeto get your questions in!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.

Treatment Tuesday - Down Syndrome & Foster Care

This week's assessment comes from Diana. She was preparing a Young Adult book for NaNo (yes, the queue for character therapy was a bit long) and ran this scenario by me.

She's got a 16-year-old boy in foster care in North Carolina for the past 3 years with his sister, who has Down Syndrome. They are there because they have had abusive parents. She was trying to decide whether to make the sister older or younger. If the sister were 18, she'd be old enough to be out of foster care but not capable of living on her own. Diana wondered if the girl could continue to live in foster care as a special needs case if the parents opted to continue fostering her. Would the financial support the family received transfer to social security of some kind?

Then she wanted to know the following: What kind of questions or fears would a very devoted brother have regarding his sister? How would the brother view potential relationships with girls? What kind of self-doubts, fears, anger, emotional blocks, etc., would he feel in having gone through broken trust with his father?

So part of Diana's question is therapeutic stuff, but part is logistics. Due to having been the foster care coordinator for a foster family agency, I knew a bit about the logistical part, too.

If the girl was in foster care, she would still move into a supported living type situation if she is capable of functioning on her own (and if the parents wanted this, perhaps I should state). There are some special foster care considerations where they will take a 19 year old. and if she stayed on somehow as special needs, the foster parents would get paid as usual, but I think it's more likely she'd move into supported living.

Most people with Down Syndrome are fairly high functioning, so they can hold down jobs with job coaches and live on their own if they don't have some concurrent medical problems (and some get 24-hour care while living alone, so even that's not a deal breaker). I'm not sure about North Carolina, but California has programs to help pay for rent, utilities and the like so they can be as independent as they can be. Essentially the money that was going to her foster parents would be transferred to helping pay her bills. It's truly a wonderful program for these individuals.

On to the more therapeutic angle...

From a story plot line, if you're wanting to give the brother some fears, I'd definitely put her into this supported living situation. They have workers to drive them to meetings and grocery stores and the appointments. Usually this type service is coordinated through the local regional center who contracts out to an organization to do the actual ground-level care (like the non-profit I worked for).

This scenario would give the brother PLENTY of worries about her. I'd think he'd want her to be able to stand on her own two feet and succeed with as much quality of life as possible, but he'd be worried she might not do well on her own, not being around family every day. Younger siblings often take on the role of Protector when an older sibling has some sort of disability. They take up for them in school, that sort of thing. Depending on how you've written his personality, he might be listless not having an outlet to feel needed, or he might be one to party it up if he'd begrudgingly taken care of his sister up until then.

Since you were interested in how he might view potential relationships with girls...I've said this before and will reiterate it here again. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This can be a mantra of sorts to remember. This guy is going to do what comes best to him to do: protect. It might mean he'll meet a girl and absolutely smother her by being too attentive or too concerned for her welfare. It might mean he'll lose a girl or two until he strikes a balance and remembers not every girl is like his sister.

What might be really interesting is to pair him with or introduce him to a girl with some sort of high-functioning disability that always makes him come up short and surprised, because he'd be expecting her to fail or comparing her to his sister. Disabilities, even within the same type, can be so different person-to-person. You never want to develop some rule of thumb when dealing with people with disabilities because there isn't a single mold they'll all fit into.

Another thing to consider is the young man's feelings about relationships, for two reasons. 1) If he came from an abusive home, then he might see marriage as a breeding ground for discontent. "Look at what it did to my father. No thanks." If your hero's not a Christian initially, or doesn't place a high degree of respect on the institution of marriage itself, then he might want to steer clear. Abusive parents can really do numbers on their children.

But there's another reason he might be reluctant to enter into a relationship. 2) He might feel he can't hang his sister out "to dry" while he goes off to enjoy a regular life. Or he might keep girls at arm's length so things can't get serious. He could even think it's not fair for him to get this privilege when his sister can't, although more and more people with developmental disabilities are forming romantic partnerships and marriages, which is a plot twist to think about. That could be a potential growth area for him, to come to the realization that his sister can share her life with someone...and then having to give over the "reigns" (so to speak) to this other guy. Oooo--I like that if I do say so myself! Then he'd be pushed from his role as protector, usurped by someone who loves her even more. And how sweet could that be?

As to his relationship with his father and the broken trust there, he's going to feel anger. Especially if the father abused his sister, too. She's more defenseless, and he'd probably feel anger at himself for not having protected her better. There'd be some guilt, likely. Maybe some self-doubt as to whether he can really come through for her when she needs him, since he was unable to stand up to their father. I would think he'd do anything in his power to keep from having to see the father (no supervised or unsupervised visits, no accepting gifts from him, nothing like that), but it depends on how you've written the abuse and how it played out on the page, I suppose.

Feel free to leave questions in the comment section. I'd love to talk this out further if need be. Very interesting YA, Diana!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.

Thursday Therapeutic Thought - Anger = Secondary Emotion

In therapeutic circles, anger is said to be a secondary emotion (this later came into pop psychology, so likely you've heard this before, but might not know specifics on what it actually means). Hopefully I can shed some light.

There is a great quote by Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, who wrote Man's Search for Meaning. It goes:

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.

Sounds great...and is very accurate. So what's the problem? The problem lies with identifying the response. Anger is actually an immature response. Animals are programmed to act with anger (fight) when they feel any sort of threat. It could also be called a primitive response (because a different section of the brain is actually being used...the lower brain). The emotional need (which would be found on the perimeter of the poster) goes unmet when all you (or your character) can say is, "I feel angry."

The above picture is available as a poster and a magnet for therapists to use in session. And trust me...I've put a lot of miles on my magnet, using it with children and adults alike. I watch their face as they hold the magnet. Brows are furrowed and the cogs are turning as they figure out what prompted their angry outburst at school or what caused them to lay into their spouse after dinner. And WITHOUT FAIL they ALL can pinpoint WHY. They can indicate what emotional need went unmet and led to the angry response.

So our goal should be to increase the "space" between the stimulus and response. (To be less technical...the "space" would also roughly fit that same time period when you might "count to 10.") By doing this, we give ourselves more time to figure out what the primary emotion is (Hurt, Anxiety, Shame, Sadness, Fear, Frustration, Guilt, Disappointment, Worry, Jealousy,Embarrassment, etc.). Any character can show this kind of emotional growth and development simply by the author adding in some action beats during the "space" to show how the character is "counting to 10," so to speak. [And be CREATIVE. Don't just have them count to ten, people.]

Anger is a powerful tool of survival as well as a source of energy. We've all known people who get mad and then clean like a madwoman or run like a racehorse. There are productive ways to channel anger. But to repress our anger or hold onto it for prolonged lengths of time can be very damaging to our emotional well-being (and that of our characters!). But, alas, we do have to have some sort of ticking time bombs, right? *sigh* No doubt about it, this makes a good one. Stuffing and stuffing our emotions (whatever they are) will lead to an explosion (external) or implosion (internal).

As always, specific questions about your characters are welcomed.