Dear Jeannie: Adult Bullies and Star-Crossed Relationships Types

Dear Jeannie,

I think I've raised a bully! Rian is a stubborn girl with an outlandish goal (of becoming a warrior among her people). When her parents sensibly downplayed this--or ignored it--she dug in her heels and lashed out against other children. Especially children who "got" the training she wanted. Even as she grows older and learns to curb some of her temper, she doesn't seem to care about others. Some consistent core adjectives are selfish, angry, argumentative, and violent. She's the oldest of several girls, and I have one sister and one friend willing fight against her, though her influence on the rest of her siblings is disruptive. But she resists change in herself as much as in her circumstances. Just because she has been mean during most of her childhood, that doesn't mean she has to stay this mean, does it? As a writer (using parents, teachers, friends, enemies, etc.), what can I do to end her bullying ways?
Frustrated in Finley


Dear Frustrated,

Children who've been deprived of what they wanted most in the world (whether through poverty, circumstance, etc) can often grow embittered toward those who have things handed to them on a silver platter. It's classic of the dichotomy between the haves and the have nots. She would need consistent encouragement and support toward meeting her dreams and validating her losses while playing up the blessings and strengths she does have in order to curb her bullying tendencies. Bullies don't always have to grow up to be adult bullies (though they can). She might always have a leaning toward a vice like passive-aggressiveness, for an example, but not outright meanness. One word of caution, though. You've portrayed her very negatively, and hopefully you've given her some redeeming qualities to go along with those horrid core values. And if you let the reader glimpse that she actually does care about people but wears a mask of disdain and indifference to cover up that vulnerability, then she'll be much more likable. Thanks for writing in!


Dear Jeannie,

Fiona is an organized, disciplined ENTJ who has been governing her family and managing politics behind her allies and enemies' backs for years. Her story starts when she is forced to marry the leader of the family responsible for her brother's death. This leader, Liam, is a loud, messy ESFP whose open-handed laissez-faire approach to his rule depends on the affection and good intentions of his people. Liam and Fiona don't hit it off, to say the least. There's a lot of room for conflict here, it seems, but where are they going to find common ground or mutual respect?? 

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

You have picked some polar opposite personalities, haven't you? But the good news is that there is truth to the old adage of opposites attract. They are both extroverted, which translates into them probably both having quite a few friends and extracurricular activities they enjoy, which would be their saving grace, at least in the beginning. It's helpful for them to see their own flaws that they bring to the table, such as Liam realizing he's not quite as organized or thoughtful as Fiona, and how her strengths (like planning ahead) might benefit him and his rule. Even if he doesn't see this himself, an interesting scene could be someone else singing her praises, which opens his eyes. Vice-versa for Fiona. And if Liam was not behind the hit on her brother or didn't approve of the way that went down, this would also aid in softening her (once she realizes it). Liam (as an F) would benefit from hearing praise from her, so if there was one thing she could begrudgingly admire and let him know, this would go a long way for him. Good luck with these two!

Got Questions?

Post your question anonymously below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle or Lost in LA. I'll post my answers in a future Dear Jeannie column.

Character Clinic: Anir

Today, I've got Anir on the couch. She's the brain child of author Tara, and she resides in a fairy tale fantasy. She's 25, and in the same vein as Sleeping Beauty, belongs to a family who is cursed to have all the women fall asleep at the first prick of a spindle. However, they don't need true love's kiss to waken and they each have one special gift. Anir's is language. When she fell asleep on her wedding day, it was for a l o n g time, and she wasn't awakened as part of her marriage ceremony as is their tradition. She woke up to her home in ruins and everyone she loved gone.

Tara wants to know: Would Anir be able to be talkative and smiling after waking in such a situation? Everything is gone. I was plotting this story out when I realized how very traumatic this experience must be for her, so I wanted to ask what her head space might be like and how something like that, even if she was repressing it, might manifest. 

Anir -

With a personality type of ENFJ, you're likely very gregarious yet sensitive. Certain traumatic situations would definitely impact you internally, whether you let the rest of the world know this is the bigger question. Since you are royalty and you've learned some control over your emotions, that would likely benefit you in the long run.

But who on earth would believe that you'd wake up to such an alternative ending than you'd expected and be smiling? I don't think that would ring true to any reader. You seem to be close to your sister, and the family dynamics didn't seem to be without love, so I'm sure you'd be very distraught at them not being around, and probably distraught at the whole fairy-tale-not-coming-true, too, though that woudl be a bit more selfish of a reason to be upset.

ENFJs can be very motivated to get what they want, and to use their powers (and in your case, your language skill) to help them toward their goal. So couple your personality type--being a people person--with your drive to find out what the heck happened that you weren't woken up, and you've got the resources to be very manipulative if you want to be.

Hope this gives you a starting off place with writing this to be as authentic as fairy tales allow. :)

Why The World Doesn't "Get" Writers

My final statistical comparison following my Plotting and Personality Survey is below. It will totally explain why the general population scratches their heads at us writers.

I compared the United States statistics for Myers-Briggs Type Indicators with those from the writer population (who took my survey). Check it out:

MBTI General Population

MBTI Writer Population

 

The interesting comparison is found in the top quadrant (IN) of introverted intuitives, in particular the INFJ, INTJ, and INFP types. In the writing population, these types are considerably higher than in the general population. Most writers are INFJs, which is the smallest percentage of types for the general population! That's actually a HUGE discovery...and you read it on The Character Therapist first, folks.

The ESTJ and ESFJ types are among the most prevalent in the general population, but among writers, we are in the minority. The introverted counterparts of ISTJ and ISFJ are basically the same between writers and the general populace.

So now you know why writers are a curious bunch. We don't fit the personality stereotypes at all...in fact, in many respects, writers exhibit the exact opposite of what the world would expect (at least according to type).

Q4U: Does it all make sense now? Why writer's conferences are a merging of souls for writers who just don't quite "fit" with other normal non-writer folk?

Treatment Tuesday - Opposites Attract

This week, I've got Jim and Suzy* on the couch, characters in Michelle's novel-in-progress. They've been married for 15 years. Suzy is a Popular Sanguine/Powerful Choleric who loves to have fun and is a great leader. She's a school teacher and her kids love her. Jim is a Powerful Choleric/Perfect Melancholy. He is a highly regarded manager at his company, is well-respected as a leader and has helped grow the company significantly in his role.

* Names have already been changed to protect the fictional.

Michelle wants to know: How are these two going to get along? In my story, they're going to be in love when they meet and marry, but during the next 15 years, will have problems related to accepting one another and modifying some of their own harsher edges. How might this look?

I think everyone who's ever been in a relationship understands the phenomenon of meeting someone and being totally infatuated with the very characteristics that later come to bring resentment, grudges, and discontent. Marriage is no different. We often marry those people who are our opposites, giving credence to the old adage, "opposites attract." The best we can hope for is that there are enough similarities to make up for our differences, enough likemindedness to counteract polar extremes. You as the author will be the only one who knows if Jim and Suzy have what it takes.

You've set up your characters to both have a little bit of the Lion/Choleric personality type, which is good. They'll both probably be direct, which means they won't beat around the bush when it comes to their differences. (Can be good or bad, depending on how they go about the arguments--see below.) Lions actually thrive on opposition, so their differences become something of  regular burr under the marriage saddle.

Suzy is a dominant Otter, so she's very people-oriented, which is why her students love her. Jim is dominant Lion, so he's more of a get-'er-done guy with little tolerance for playing around. I'd imagine this would be one of the largest glaring differences between these two personalities. Suzy might get things out of priority in her quest to have fun. Jim might try to take charge of things too much and try to make decisions for Suzy too much to suit her.

You'll have to figure out what the number one pet peeve for Jim is about Suzy and the number one pet peeve for Suzy about Jim. These two hot-topic buttons will be what the other pushes regularly and will most commonly lead to their arguments.

Lucky for you, I've been doing a series of articles for my Thursday Therapeutic Thoughts (T3) for predicting fictional breakups (which, of course, is very much grounded in research about breakups of real people). I think you might find these beneficial, if for no other reason than to see what you might want to steer away from during their arguments if your intent in the book is to have these two stay together. Dr. John Gottman found that there were six signs that, if present, would indicate that a couple was heading for divorce or breakup. I've gone over Signs 1-2, Signs 3-4, and will conclude with signs 5-6 this Thursday.

I'd think it's important to mention that arguing in and of itself isn't an indicator that the relationship is failed. Arguing without the six signs can actually be an indicator of a healthy relationship. No one is going to get along 100% of the time (except, perhaps, during their courtship, when the negatives are not seen through the haze of goo-goo eyes).

You also wanted to know: I'm thinking that something will happen to shake them up, make them realize what they are doing and start looking to God for the answers, instead of just blaming each other. How might this look from a psychological viewpoint?

As I wrote on my post about Lions, "Spiritually, Lions usually need a traumatic experience or event to spur a recognition of a need to make a commitment to Christ." I could also have said that it would take a traumatic experience to end their self-centered focus and gain a heavenly perspective.

And the sky's the limit on traumatic experiences. But I as brainstormed this (with myself), I thought perhaps some trauma involving a child--either them wanting a child, losing a child, having difficulty getting pregnant/getting pregnant/losing that child....something along these lines might be particularly effective. My reasoning would be simply this: realizing that another person depends on their ability to get along might be enough to give them a good shake-up. And it'd be a shake-up experienced together, no mater how you spinned it.

I've often times talked with clients about how there is no one right way to raise a child. The strengths of one parent can offset the weaknesses of the other, and in fact, the child can have an even better upbringing just by having such varied parents. I read a devotional by Nancy Moser in February from Christian Fiction Online Magazine that spoke to this very thing. Read it here.

Hope that this gives you some direction. Personalities are a very fun thing to play around with, using them against one another.

Click here for a chance to win Jill Eileen Smith's new release, Bathsheba!

Treatment Tuesday: Personality vs. Parenting

This week's assessment is for Michelle. She wrote in about her character Shannon,* who was raised with a Golden Retriever, over-indulgent mom and a Beaver, micromanaging dad. Shannon craved her dad's approval so much that she put a Beaver mask over her Otter/Golden Retriever personality and is still wearing that mask today. Shannon's husband, Rod*, had a power patrol Lion father and an avoidant mom. Since they were wealthy, his parents hired others to deal with Rod.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional. 

Michelle wants to know: How will Shannon parent her daughter Allison, who knows just what to do to get her mom to do what she wants and Josh, who stays buried in his iPod and video games? How would her beaver mask impact her parenting? When Rod looses his job and the family has to move in with Shannon's parents (who tend cattle and cotton), how will this affect them based on their personalities?

I'm totally flattered that Michelle has obviously been scouring my old posts! As you can see, she referenced almost every parenting style post and personality types post I wrote above. Thanks for that feel-good, Michelle.

I want to start this assessment out with Rod, even though you couched your questions as being about Shannon. But Rod's my concern because of his power patrol father who he looks up to so much. I'm not sure how much interaction Rod really had with his parents, since they hired people to look after him (I assume nannies and the like), but you indicated Rod was a Lion like his father, which will probably give him the tendency to be a power patrol. And that's what he knew, after all.

So if his tendency is toward power patrol, that could cause some problems between him and Shannon, who is at heart a Golden Retriever and might have a bent toward over-indulging, like her mom. It all would depend on how well Shannon wears the mask of a Beaver. If she's still seeking approval from dad, or trying to heal the rift that developed after her barrel racing accident, then she might try to be more like him, micromanaging everything her children do like he did to her in hopes of connecting with him. This will be confounded by her moving back into her childhood home.

There's something almost magical about grownups boomeranging back to their parents' home. Fully functioning adults can become sniveling little brats as they adopt the method of interacting with their parents they had growing up. If Shannon's mother was such an over-indulger, she might revert to not making her bed or washing her own clothes because mom is there to do it--not only for Shannon, but for Shannon's family.

The controlling part of Rod will not like this. To say that living as extended guests in his wife's parents' home will be difficult for Rod is the understatement of the year. He's going to kick against this with all his might, as he's used to being in control and managing his own family (and career). Accepting anything like charity or handouts will not be easy, if not impossible. Rod would be desperate enough to take a job that he doesn't like to remove themselves quicker from this scenario.

The generosity of Shannon's nurturing mother will not be appreciated by Rod...he'll likely see it as an affront to his ability to provide those things for his own family. This will move Shannon into a difficult mediating position. She'll find herself split between defending her parents and their way of life and way of interacting with others and trying to ease Rod's disappointment and anger over the living situation by commiserating with him about her parents.

But I digress. Back to the parenting. Shannon's figured out how to be a Beaver by observing her dad. She knows how to approach Allison to get what she wants done. It's the underdog Golden Retriever/over-indulger inside of her that may let Allison think Shannon's a pushover--when in reality, Shannon is indulging Allison, possible against her better judgment, but doing it all the same. Rod isn't going to have that close of a relationship with Allison, likely, because she knows he's not the person to go to if she wants something. Allison will favor her mother.

As for Josh, it's pretty typical for boys to go through their video game phase where they hardly say ten words a day to human beings because they are playing their marathon rounds of Zelda (can I just date myself here?). Shannon will lean toward either micromanaging the amount of time she lets him spend on the video games and turning a blind eye when he doesn't get off right at the one-hour mark. Rod will not be this way. When he says "thirty minutes and lights out!" he means just that.

I'm not sure I'm really helping that much with this assessment simply because you've got this great backstory for Shannon and have given her a personality mask of being a Beaver when she's really an Otter. As you can read from my post here, Otters and Beavers don't mix. They are fairly diametrically opposed. Rod probably fell for the Beaver part of Shannon...but a Lion can get along with an Otter just fine....so when Shannon's true personality shines through, it shouldn't put an end to their relationship. However, if she swings more toward the Golden Retriever style of over-indulging, this will be a problem for his power patrol Lion (as I mentioned before).

Shannon's got a unique problem, because when projecting an image to the world that's not who you really are...it's exhausting. Your body has to use energy to keep up pretenses that it could use otherwise to repair the body. So FYI, when Shannon gets tired or sick...her true colors will shine through because she'll have less energy to keep the mask in place.

That's all I have Michelle. I hope it helps put you on the right direction. I welcome any additional comments below. Thanks for writing in!

Treatment Tuesday - Motivating Beavers

This weeks assessment is from RJ, who is writing a science fiction book set in present day. In this story world, an Inventor (Otter/Lion hero) made a world-changing breakthrough that involves using Personality Science to organize the Web. To launch this invention, he needs access to a program that is managed by a group of Programmers (Extreme Beavers) who want the hero to follow strict procedure (the Beaver way of life). The hero, however, is being pressured to launch his invention sooner than later or forever lose control of it. Inventor needs to find a way to motivate the Beaver Programmers to "lighten up" and "move faster," two things they are loathe to do.

The Hero then decides to overcome their reluctance by creating a series of Personas, avatar-like spokespeople who communicate with the Programmers through digital media. The Hero creates these Personas to be persuasive, in effect deceiving the Programmers to do what he needs them to do. 

RJ wants to know:

1. What would motivate Beavers to speed up/ignore the rules and what Personality Types would best deliver this message to Beavers?

2. What secondary personality for a Beaver would help bring the Programmers around collectively? Which secondary personality for a Beaver would make them most oppositional?
2. If the deception is discovered after the fact what would motivate/prevent the Beavers from acting vindictively and shutting it down?  

One of my favorite areas to delve into is personality types. I think it's great that your Inventor's combination is primarily Otter with some Lion mixed in. That makes him diametrically opposed to the Beavers by nature.

So how to motivate them to go against their grain? Behavior therapy tells us that just about anybody can do just about anything under the right set of circumstances. People can be trained to do things a certain way if they are given the right motivators or demotivators. Beavers are motivated by acknowledgment and approval. They want to be seen as the best at what they do, so the Hero could try at first to appeal to this vanity side of the Beaver. Even offering some sort of promotion or recognition could be highly motivating, and perhaps one of the Personas could be a faux representative from some non-existent company who might want to hire the Beaver Programmer in charge...something like that.

As for the best personality type to present this motivation to the Beaver, I'd say either the Lion of the Golden Retriever, because the Beaver occurs naturally with both of these types (meaning there are many Beaver/Lions and Beaver/Golden Retrievers out there).  To go a bit further, I'd say the Beaver would take it better from a Lion in a work-related position (such as the Lion is the direct supervisor of the Beaver and could prohibit raises, etc.) and from a Golden Retriever more in a personal-related position (such as a friend saying, "If you do this for me, it would make X and Y difference in my life. Pretty please?") The only personality a Beaver would not appreciate it coming from is without a doubt the Otter.

Your second question about which secondary type would help bring them about to seeing the Hero's way of doing things is easier. The Golden Retriever subtype would theoretically be less oppositional than the Lion. Lions can be stubborn and argumentative, sometimes even arguing for the sake of arguing. Golden Retrievers want everyone to get along, so I could see a Beaver/Golden Retriever trying to make things better by facilitating a compromise or something like that.

Finally, if the Beaver Programmer was to discover the deceptive use of digital tools in creating a Persona meant to persuade them to go against their own grain, they'd be totally ticked. Revenge would definitely be a factor. Now to purely speculate, I imagine that the Beaver wouldn't seek revenge if they could be convinced that what happened had to happen for some greater good--preferably to help them further their own work. For example, of the Hero's invention will simplify the Beavers lives or revolutionize how they do their work, then I would think they'd be more likely to let things lie. (I'm guessing this based on human behavioral trends. We don't tend to bite the hand that feeds us.)

Hopefully I've covered everything, but if I missed something, please drop me your questions in the comment section (that goes for anyone!). Good luck, RJ! Sounds like a fascinating and creative read.

Treatment Tuesday - Using Enneagrams

This week's assessment comes from Betty, who is writing an inspirational romance. She has been using the Enneagram personality typing for her characters and has a Type One heroine (The Reformer) and a Type Eight (for now) hero (The Challenger). She's wondering how a One and an Eight are going to get along.

Betty wrote, "It would seem that they share some values and could work well together in the social-justice arena, but I'm not sure how those types would be in the love department. I can certainly see conflict (mandatory for the story), and some certainly attraction, but how would/could you see them getting together? Or would they?"


So, first off, the Enneagram (pronounced any-a-gram) system is a really quite remarkable personality system. The symbol itself, depending on where you look, can be traced back to the time of Pythagorus or back to ancient Middle Eastern spiritual traditions. "Ennea" is Greek for "9" and "gram" means "drawing.

If your heroine is a Type One, she's a social reformer for sure. She advocates for change, wants to better the world, and her sense of right from wrong is strong. She's probably a tad obsessive-compulsive when it comes to being organized and scheduled. This perfectionism streak can cause some problems in her life, though, and lend itself to a heightened critical and judgmental nature. Type Ones are typically smart, realistic, practical, and have high standards, but can be resentful and impatient.

Type Eights want to be in control of their environment. They can be confrontational with ease, and even intimidating (so a police officer would fit nicely). They want to protect, be resourceful doing so, and are quick to make decisions. They don't talk in circles, present as very strong, assertive and self-confident. They don't ever want to appear vulnerable. They are called Challengers because they enjoy taking on a challenge. They are usually charismatic and able to persuade others to follow them through thick and thin. They can be so industrious with work that they lose emotional contact with people.

As to whether there can be attraction between these two....you betcha. In droves. To quote one source, "Ones can find Eights exciting, physical, and earthy--all the things that they restrain in themselves. ...Eights recognize that Ones are as strong-willed and determined as they are: they cannot easily sway or bowl over Ones. Eights thus admire their conviction and are attracted to the challenge of getting closer to Ones."

They both clearly will share some of the same values, but will just take different means to achieve similar ends. They both want truth and justice in the world, and both are action-oriented to support whatever they believe is right. They'd both sacrifice a lot for their beliefs.

But this wouldn't be a common romantic pairing at all (but that doesn't mean it can't work). I'll give a few tips to make sure it does. :) Most of the tension in their relationship would come from the Type One getting uneasy with the Type Eight if the One sees the Eight pushing too far in the pursuit of self-interest. A One will deny herself in the extreme if something doesn't line up to their moral convictions, and even though they may admire the "go-getter" nature of the Eight, it could be a turn-off if too extreme. Once the One begins to see the Eight as selfish or insensitive, that would be the kiss of death in the relationship from her standpoint.

On the other hand, Eights are likely to see Ones as morally judgmental. Besides that, they might think they are hypocrites who talk the talk publicly, but don't walk the walk privately. They might think of a One as self-righteous, rigid, and unrealistic about how the world should operate. An Eight can even try to goad a One, provoking them with outrageous actions to get a rise out of them. This can often turn into extremely personal attacks, and at the worse, violence.

My advice to you is to be careful in how you portray your leading characters. Your hero doesn't need to be one of those guys who is always losing his head about him. He also doesn't need to show the heroine a selfish side of him. If the heroine always perceives the hero to be acting out of selfless motives (no matter how contrary his actions would feel to her), then there's hope for the relationship to last. You just can't be with someone you don't respect.

I'd also make sure that your heroine isn't one of those morally judgmental people. If you do have her being a bit judgmental, then have her get over that as you move her through her character arc, helping her see people and all their flaws (including her own) through a heavenly lens. She might struggle a bit with the spiritual side of things, as spirituality can't be hedged in the rational way she might like. (Sometimes having faith can seem like a most irrational thing...and this wouldn't sit well with her.) She'll want to be absolutely perfect all the time, and God wouldn't have much room to work with someone that perfect, you know?

I think I'll stop here, as I could go on forever, I'm afraid. The best source I found for Enneagram information was the Enneagram Institute. I'd canvass the site and really camp out there for a while. Amazing what all you can get on each type for free.

Any questions are welcome, of course! Good luck, and thanks for writing in!

If you missed my review of Amanda Flower's Maid of Murder cozy mystery, click here to read it! Her utterly fantastic debut releases today!

T3 - Multiple Personality...Types

I wanted to do a follow-up post on personality type combinations. I found a better online version of Florence Littauer's Personality Plus (wouldn't you know I found it after this series), and you can take it here. Even if you did take the test earlier, TAKE THIS ONE. It'll make the rest of what I'm about to type make sense.

Even given the 10 percent margin of error inherent in these types of tests (the word you picked to describe yourself is based on your perception of yourself, not fact), your score should indicate that one type is your dominant type. Usually, you'll have another type that comes in second, called your secondary type.

You can have a strong dominance of one type over the secondary, or almost equal scores in two types. Either way, there are some "natural" combinations that occur at birth that I've listed below.

Otter/Lion
Lion/Beaver
Golden Retriever/Otter
Beaver/Golden Retriever

The reason for this type of pairing is that the strengths of one are usually the weaknesses in another. A normal, "healthy" pattern is characterized by balancing scores of strengths and weaknesses in any single type (i.e., you're not going to have every strength of an Otter without a healthy dose of Otter weaknesses, as well).

The following two combinations are what Florence Littauer calls "unnatural combinations."

Otter/Beaver
Lion/Golden Retriever

These are sometimes seen quite frequently, but Littauer claims they aren't inborn in a person, and after a bit of research, I believe she's right, as well. She believes the combinations to be evidence of one of two things: 1) a "misunderstanding" about what some of the words might actually mean that were selected as representative of the person or 2) a "personality mask," because the traits in the above combinations are diametrically opposed to one another.

Before I get into what a mask is, I want those of you who might have one of these combinations to go back and take the test again, this time using one or all of the methods below:

1) Use a dictionary to make sure you know what the words mean
2) Select words that represent who you truly are, not who you want to be (for example, if you have learned a behavior--say, spontaneity or being scheduled--that doesn't come naturally for you, don't check that description). Another way of thinking about this is to select which word describes you as a child, not an adult.
3) Go back over the word groupings--if you had a difficult time choosing just one, check both. If nothing sounds appropriate, skip that question.

If after taking this test, you still have one of the "unnatural" combinations, then it might be the result of a personality mask. Masks are indicative of outside forces working on our lives that try to tell us what we should be, or how we change to conform to what we think someone else wants us to be. A mask could also be developed in childhood as the result of trying to survive a difficult or dysfunctional family living situation.

Some situations that might cause masking:

1) A domineering parent or a controlling spouse
2) An alcoholic parent
3) Being rejected by one/both parent(s) in childhood or by a spouse in adulthood
4) Emotional/physical/sexual abuse
5) Single parent home
6) Legalistic religious home
7) Birth order (firstborns in particular are subjected to zealous parents)

(I can give particulars on any of the above if anyone of you would like examples. Just email me or ask in the comments.)

Now, there are occasions when a person scores the same in three categories or four. When this happens, the best thing to do is to have someone who knows you very well to objectively look at the test for you. You might find that you're not exactly who you think you are, or that you've covered up your natural inclinations so much that you don't know who you are. (When my husband took the test "for" me, I tested high Beaver. When I took it myself, I was high Lion. Just interesting how his perception of me was a bit different than my perception of me.)

I hope that you've enjoyed this series as much as I have. Personality types are a great way to understand yourself, your loved ones, and your CHARACTERS.

Q4U: What have you learned--if anything--from this series? Anything take you by surprise?

The drawing is still going on for both copies of Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places. Scroll to yesterday's post to leave a comment to be entered!

Treatment Tuesday - Opposites Attract...BEWARE!

This week's assessment comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. It's great timing that I can feature it this week, as it's right in line with the personality type series I'm doing! (Access the personality type overview here.)

Anonymous wrote in with a simple question: What personality types generally attract each other?

What a fitting question with Valentine's Day just around the corner. *sigh* If only there was a simple answer. Since people are so varied in what attracts them, it would stand to reason that there isn't a formula to spout for what type attracts what type.

We base who we find attractive on several factors: looks, age, race, religion, educational level, geographic location, social class, familial obligations, and financial status. With these components, the old adage "like is attracted to like," comes into play. We generally want to be with someone around the same age, who adheres to the same faith or lack thereof, who comes from our ethnic and cultural background because they are more likely to be like us, and who lives in the same area, as that is infinitely preferable.

But all those things can attract on an outward level. Once a person finds out that someone makes over $100,000 a year, or that they are a Christian, or that they hold a PhD in physics, or that they have the right social connections, then they decide to move forward with getting to know the person. At that point, personality becomes a factor, and this is when the old adage, "opposites attract," comes more into play. Indeed, people who are the exact same on more complex personality tests (like Myers-Briggs) are highly unlikely to marry each other.

In general, we are attracted to people who have strengths where we have weaknesses. For example, a Beaver, who is so meticulous and detailed, might fall for a Lion, someone who sees the big picture. Or a outgoing Otter might be attracted to an loyal, introverted Golden Retriever. It's exciting to reconcile differences...encountering someone just like ourselves would be boring.

Once two people pair off, then what commonly happens is a "honeymoon" period. Your mate can do no wrong during this time (or at least you can't see the flaws as readily). But inherent in the very idea of opposites attracting is opposition. Eventually, the opposition becomes greater and greater and you'll find yourself trying to change them to conform to your personality. This is called the Pygmalion Project.

Depending on which resource you read, Pygmalion was a Cyprian artist who, upon not finding a woman to be his equal, began to create a sculpture. He worked long and hard to make the statue perfect, and when he was done, he fell in love with it. According to legend, Aphrodite took pity on him and brought the statue to life. Pygmalion and Galatea were married and had a child.

Of course, the analogy today is that people try to change their mates/spouses to be who they want them to be. Even good marriages have this as an irritant, but it's also a huge factor is break-ups and divorces. It's something we've all tried (if not with a mate, than with a child). This really does great damage to the relationship. It tells the other person that they aren't enough just as they are. Of course, our mates also try to conform on their own, in a way to please us. But this is when we look at our relationship in a few months or years and wonder where the zzzzzzing went.

What's the solution? Recognize our impulse to change the other person, and hold our tongues in favor of remembering what attracted us to them in the first place. The more conformation our mate makes in our direction, the less exciting things will be.

So how's that for a roundabout answer to your question, Anonymous? Hope that this gives you--and all my readers--something to chew on.

Q4U: How many of you married/hooked up with someone who is your opposite? Did you try to change them?

Come back tomorrow for a special Wednesday book review and giveaway of Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

T3 - Lion/Choleric Personality Type

We're in our fourth and final week of looking at personality types! We've covered the Golden Retriever/Phlegmatic type here, the Beaver/Melancholic type here, and the Otter/Sanguine type here. You can still pop over to take the tests recommended by the Character Therapist here.

For all you Lions out there, I imagine you were ticked that Lions weren't the first type discussed 3 weeks ago!(As a Lion, I know that usually, Lions expect to go first.) So fear not...you Lions out there haven't been forgotten or left out. :)

THE GOOD

Choleric Lions are your born leaders. They are dynamic, active, strong-willed and decisive. They are self-sufficient, independent, persistent, exude confidence and can run anything. They have a compulsive need for change and if they see an injustice, they must right the wrong. Lions are usually bold, self-reliant, enterprising, competitive, and they welcome challenges. They are goal-oriented and goal-driven.

At work, they are your problem-solvers. They're motto is "Let's do it now!" They will sign up for anything that will lead to advancement: difficult assignments, challenging directives. They are straight shooters, getting to the point and being very direct. A Lion likely pursued their education with vigor and was a top student. They are great organizers, delegators, and move quickly to action. They can stimulate activity where there was none, thrive on opposition, and make their goals by seeking practical solutions. Their approach to teamwork really is just to take charge. Their leadership style is more autocratic and they prefer a hierarchy of management (with them on top). They release stress by doing something physical, and emotional stress will always drive them to a high-impact activity to recover.

As far as friends go, they can excel in emergencies, keeping their head about them. Their usually driven by rationality, not emotionality, so this helps them do this. They lead and organize group outings and like nobody's business. They are usually extroverted, so making friends can come fairly easily (but sometimes not! See below). They can make a quick decision when a group is stalemated about what to do.

Spiritually, they can motivate the body of Christ to accomplish great feats. Far away trips to distant lands are no problem. Annual church homecoming picnic, no big deal. Head of the committee or chair of the deacons? Covered with time to spare. Lions can make fantastic Marthas.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD

Lions can be controlling, argumentative, and dictatorial. They often are opinionated, arrogant and unsympathetic to the plight of the "little people." They're touchy and severe, impatient, pushy, and harsh. They can be a bit egocentric and won't even give up when they know they are losing. Their self-sufficiency can come on too strong. They can be inflexible, unable to relax, and quick-tempered. They aren't known for being complimentary, but instead controversial.

At work, Lions are not only often the "boss," but they are often bossy and aggressive. They'll try to take charge in other people's affairs. Since they're so focused on the goal, they can step on people to reach it. It's this insensitivity--this rudeness or tactlessness--that can leave a trail of hurt feelings behind them. They have little compassion on or tolerance for mistakes and can be difficult to please. They are bored by trivia and don't analyze details, so they may make rash, impetuous decisions. They can be manipulative to achieve their goals, but the end justifies the means as far as a choleric person is concerned.

Lions are uncomfortable with the expression of emotions. They see emotions as obstacles (getting in the way of the almighty task). So managing friendships can be difficult at times. Insensitivity at work bleeds into their friendships, as does dominating others and deciding for them. When things don't go their way, Lions can literally blow their top in a fit of anger, especially when personal goals aren't met. They think they know everything, and usually are right, but this doesn't make them very popular. Lions have a hard time saying they're sorry and they can also be possessive of their friends and their spouse/partner.

Spiritually, Lions usually need a traumatic experience or event to spur a recognition of a need to make a commitment to Christ. The also have a hard time expressing grace. Their self-sufficiency can lead to sin problems of hubris. They also could miss out on the heart of a spiritual experience because they are so consumed with the big picture. Since they are Marthas, consumed with the task at hand, they can miss out on the relational experience that Marys have.

EXTRAS FOR WRITERS

Lions prefer to be dealt with by being direct and factual, because this is the way they are. You give a Lion the run around, and you are going to have conflict in droves. Lions like for things to be nailed down and written in stone. Give them a wishy washy boss or love interest and watch the sparks fly. Since they are so bored to death by detail and trivia, pair them with a Beaver who thrives on it. Heehee!

Another way to create great conflict is to pit them against another Lion. Two Lions are going to battle it out every time in a fight for dominance over the other. Give a classic male Lion a female who won't take no for an answer and he'll have met his match. Have fun with it.


Next week: Since I've had a couple of people comment about their type combinations and what that might mean, I thought I'd do a wrap-up post to discuss common combinations, not-so-common combos, and what this might mean for the test-taker.

Q4U: Have you found out anything about yourself you didn't already know? Anything you want to work on for the new year?