Weathering Hurtful Writing Comments From Your Partner

I'm wrapping up my series geared toward writers who have partners who don't "get" them and sometimes have a hard time communicating their writing needs to these partners. 

One of the themes that came up from my writer's survey was this: how do writers weather hurtful comments like "get a real job" and "when are you going to bring home some money?" Or barbs like, "No one is going to read what you write, so why waste your time?"

At the heart of statements like these is a lack of understanding, lack of compassion, and lack of respect.

One of the above is definitely indicative that the couple could benefit from counseling. 

Can you guess which one? 

Yep. Lack of respect.

Research as been done about indicators of marriages (or partnerships) that succeed or fail. And Dr. John Gottman has written the definitive material (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and How You Can Make Yours Last!) based on this research.  

And lucky for me, I've written a series based on this book already. So I want to draw your attention to some previous posts.

First of all, there are six signs that relationships are souring. Comments like the ones above definitely fall within within that realm. Gottman found one sign to be four descriptors of rocky marriages, which he called the The Four Horsemen (e.g. of the apocalypse). They were: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Comments like "get a real job" are both critical and contemptuous of writers. Seek professional help ASAP. (click to tweet!)

If you want to read more about the other five signs, then click here and here.

This might not have been the post you were expecting, but the stakes are very high in a relationship at a juncture like this. Pussyfooting around the issue doesn't do anyone a favor. 

I use the material in the 3 posts listed in couples therapy all the time. If you purchase his book (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last), it has some great self-help-type questionnaires that you can take to see if your relationship truly does match his criteria. 

To instill a little hope, I've seen couples change it around. Knowledge is power, and simply being aware of patterns can help put an end to them. 

But don't just sit there and do nothing while your partner berates you. Reach out for help, whether that's with the book or a professional counselor or a pastor.

Let's Analyze

The series is over, and I'm glad. These are hard questions that popped up in the comment section of my survey. I hope that you've found the suggestions helpful, and don't think I copped out on this post. My heart truly goes out to those with partners who are not compassionate or understanding about the singular and oft-difficult calling to write.

If you've had to deal with comments like the ones mentioned in this post, how did you deal with it? What did you say? Leave your answers anonymously if you prefer.

Romance Trend that Psychologically Distances Readers... And How to Avoid It

So I'm reading this book that I got for free on Amazon. (Love me some freebies.) Totally into it. The romance is great...chemistry is so good between the heroine and the lead. Tension is ramping up....will they get together, won't they get together?

And then the insurmountable black moment....only it comes in the middle of the book.

Say what?

Yep. Basically, the guy and girl SPLIT and GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.

Usually, we're in the female's POV for the duration of the separation (in YA and NA, we are almost solely in the female's POV). And we have to read chapter after chapter after chapter of her trying to "move on."

I think authors are overdoing this. I got so frustrated with the book I was reading, I zoomed forward on my Kindle app just until I saw the lead guy's name again. FINALLY...he was back on the page and a part of the story world.

Seriously...it was like 1/3 of the book was a complete waste of time.

When this happens, I usually skim the chapters without the romantic lead out of professional curiosity. As a result, you can save your precious time with this brief synopsis:

--The heroine tries to move on, but can't stop thinking about the lead. 
--She tries a new location, new job, new school, new boyfriend.
--Every guy will forever remind her of him. 
--Every place/song/dog/supermarket will remind her of him.
--She longs for some contact, and whatever contact she gets is ambivalent or upsetting.
--She is in the mother of all holding patterns.

We know by the backcover copy that heroine and the lead end up together. The chapters after the awful midway moment are just torture to slog through. Especially if we picked up a romance to read about---dumdumdumdum---a romance!

I've seen this in historicals, contemporaries, YA, and NA, paranormals...it's a bad trend.

I'm not saying that back things don't happen to couples to split them up. But we can push the reader
through this faster, with the illusion that the girl has tried to move on, etc, rather than make them throw our books down our of frustration or skim. (Because once I start skimming an author, it's the kiss of death for future sales.)

One book that did this exceptionally well was New Moon. When Edward makes the decision to leave Bella, Stephenie Meyer did the most amazing thing to pass time in Bella's POV...each page had the name of one month centered on it. So just four or five page turns later, we're almost a half-year into the separation. Still totally engaged.

So if this is the plot of your novel, what can you do?

1) Leave some ambiguity about the nature of the relationship. 

There need to be loose ends all over the place. This was one thing most all authors did. It alerted me to the fact that things weren't concluded, but unfortunately for them, this was my cue to start skimming.

2) Pass the time creatively.

We might not all be able to do what Meyer did in New Moon. But think outside the lines. Sometimes, this can be done with one sentence. A good example comes from the Bible:

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature. Luke 2:52

Literary frugality as its finest: Luke didn't waste time on every little thing that happened to tween Jesus because adult Jesus was much more interesting to read about. (Click to tweet!) We can learn a lesson from this. It's sometimes more useful to show the lessons your heroine learns while going solo or "moving on" after she's already established in her new life.

3) You can start en media res (in the middle of things) AGAIN.

Let the reader see how your heroine is functioning months later, sans man. We can see her character development, and know if she's "stuck" or maturing, once we're reestablished in the story world. We don't have to live through the daily angst of her not receiving phone calls or wondering if he "still thinks about her."

Let's Analyze

Have you read a book like what I'm talking about? Did you finish it? Put it down? Skim? What other suggestions do you have to help writers push through the largely uninteresting "heroine growth" section?