Four Reasons Why You Shouldn't Read 50 Shades of Grey

After my post last week, wherein I did a clinical, therapeutic analysis of the main character of E.L. James' erotic trilogy, I feel that I need to clear the air about a few things. After this post, I will not be discussing this book again in a public forum.

As one commenter pointed out, I should have expected a bit of backlash due to the controversial nature of the book. I'll admit it...I was naive. It wasn't the mental health aspect of the book that was discussed, but whether the book should even have been read by someone who openly proclaims to be a Christian.

There are many reasons why a Christian shouldn't read the book, chief of which is that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Reading erotica can also lead to lustful thoughts and images in a person's life and damage interpersonal relationships that they have.

That said, I feel the need to let my readership know, though, that as a marriage and family therapist, conversations about sex with clients are a regular part of my job. As such, whether for the good or for the bad, I personally have become desensitized to it. To me, it's as much a clinical subject as depression or anxiety, but I realize this is not the case with the majority of the population.

Even though I read the book mainly because I like to be informed, I still want to share four reasons why people should not to read this book. Define irony.

Again, there are a few spoilers below.

1) There is an abusive quality to the main character's relationship.

As exciting and dangerous as readers are led to believe the romance is, Grey's hold on Ana is more of an abusive one than a healthy one. One tactic of abusers is to isolate their victims. Grey engages in this...and does it so subtly that it is masqueraded as protection.

He wants her to sign the non-disclosure agreement, essentially rendering her mute to discuss any aspect of their personal relationship. Read = not normal. This isolates her from her friends/support system who care about her. Definitely an abuser tactic.

He stalks her whereabouts using her cell phone, changes plane reservations without her consent, flies to Georgia while she's visiting with her mother (even though she had requested time away from him), and even buys the publishing business she works for so he can "keep an eye on her." He gets insanely jealous if her spending time with any other guy.

Ana's acts of "defiance" supposedly make her more independent, but her defiance is in actuality her having very reasonable boundaries and expectations. Abusers try to mess with their victim's heads in making them think they are crazy, or asking too much, or somehow lacking. Ana constantly worries that she won't be "enough" for Grey.

One online writer said, "We’re supposed to think the way Christian [Grey] isolates Ana in luxury is romantic. A prison is still a prison when the sheets are 1200 thread count."

2) Love at the price Ana pays for it is too high...even for fiction.

From toddlerhood, little girls are introduced to fairy tales and Prince Charmings. Ana is no different. She wants "hearts and flowers," which Grey freely says he can't give her. He also tells her he's not the guy for her and that she should stay away from him, all of which should make a girl smoke check it in the opposite direction.

But not sweet, virginal Ana, the character in the book with whom women are supposed to identify.

Ana gives up her very normal romantic notions, believing that for her to have her Prince Charming, she has to. His attempts to control every aspect of her life are tolerated by Ana because she knows early on that Grey clearly has issues, and later on, because he loves her. This sends a message to women that settling for less is okay, even preferable, to walking away or being alone.

3) It perpetuates the lie of a female "savior."

At one point, Ana has this thought:

This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight—or the dark knight as he said. He’s not a hero; he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?

No, the reality is that more than likely you can't. Reading a book of this nature can more firmly ingrain this innate desire women seem to harbor to "save" men--bad boys, in particular. This desire is more about the woman being special enough, awesome enough, to make the man change, than it is about the man. Books like Fifty Shades will only make this impulse worse.

4) BDSM is pathologized. 

This might not make some of my readers happy, but the truth is that couples of all sorts (yes, even married Christians) engage in mutually beneficial BDSM relationships.  People in the BDSM community feel marginalized, because apparently James did not utilize actual people who engage in BDSM for her research. Not all people who engage in what average people might call kinky sex are doing it to work out their childhood trauma or control issues.


So there are four reasons why I don't think people should read the book. This is my way of saying that even though I reviewed the book, I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for others, especially highly suggestible readers.

I'm totally open to comments, so don't shy away.

Let's Analyze: What do you think about the female "savior" myth? Haven't you read books where the heroine wants to be the one to direct the bad boy hero onto the straight and narrow path?

A Therapist's Take on Fifty Shades of Grey

This book is perhaps one of the most controversial books being talked about on the web right now. E.L. James markets her fiction as "Romance~~Suspense~~Erotica" and that's exactly what it is. I got the book knowing that there would be sex.

I didn't know that I was going to crack open a book with a main character with severe mental issues.

As a therapist, the sex wasn't gratuitous for me. Each time the main characters came together, it was like the author peeled away another layer of Christian Grey, revealing an emotional cesspool under the cool, handsome CEO exterior. It was through the sexual encounters that we came to know who he was, and the trauma he had endured.

WARNING: There are spoilers below. 

In order to talk therapeutically about Fifty Shades, I have to give a few spoilers. If you haven't read the book and intend to, bookmark this page to come back to, read it, and then come back and let me know what you think.

Book One, Fifty Shades of Grey, introduces Anastasia Steele, a virginal soon-to-be college graduate who is forced to interview CEO Christian Grey because her roommate and aspiring journalist got sick and couldn't do it.

The attraction is immediate, though Ana suffers from some self-esteem issues and likens Grey to a demigod who could never be interested in her. In some ways, this instant attraction is reminiscent of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Bella is drawn to Edward in the same way Edward is drawn to her. The power differential between them is significant on multiple levels: physical, financial, sexual.

Grey slowly seduces Ana, though it's hardly traditional, and he had a very specific goal in mind: his BDSM world of bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, and sado-masochism. Ana, being a virgin, couldn't be more shocked when Grey pulls out his non-disclosure agreement and contractual agreement (which was quite shocking to me, as well).

Gradually, Ana experiments with being a submissive, though this goes against her personality and even her ideas about relationships. Grey acts dominant even outside of the "playroom," and his choice as dominant clearly reflects who he is.

Until the reader, along with Ana, begins to learn other things about Grey, usually through sex scenes.

• He's got small, circular burns on his chest and back. 
• He doesn't want to be touched along his chest and back...at all. This is a hard limit for him.
• He's adopted. 
• He has a "thing" about Ana eating all of her meal. 
• He was preyed on (Ana actually calls is what it was: child abuse) by an older female dominant  when he was 15 and was with her for 7 years.
• He is thankful to this woman for steering him away from the path he was going down. 
• He doesn't make love. He "f--ks, and f--ks hard." 
• He doesn't do "hearts and flowers."
• He doesn't sleep in the same bed with his submissives, and never has. 
• He sees a Dr. Flynn for therapy (Jeannie=giggles in anticipation of couples therapy)
• All his former submissives have dark hair and resemble Ana.

It's these characteristics of Grey's that suck you into the book. (BDSM education is just a bonus.) What in the heck happened to him to make him the way he is? Ana wonders this frequently. As a therapist, I knew it had to be traumatic...so the pages just kept turning.

We learn that Ana isn't like his other submissives. Even Grey himself recognizes this, and asks her what spell she is casting on him. What makes Ana so different? Why is Grey even still with her, when she basically shuns the whole contract, negotiations, etc? She frequently angers him by defying him or refusing to give him information he thinks he deserves. It's her anti-submission that forces little cracks to begin to form in Grey's armor.

He goes against many of his own rules, and is better for it. He initiates real love-making (not BDSM) with Ana to take her virginity, which is a first for him. He admires Ana's debating skills, and her penchant for sending witty emails. He ends up staying the night in the same bed with her a few times...and sleeps better for it.

I went straight from Book One to Book Two, Fifty Shades Darker, mainly because EL James leaves the reader on a major cliffhanger. Ana has a taste of Grey's true dominant self, and let's just say that taste is more than enough for her.

In Book Two, we see Grey begin to experiment with the "hearts and flowers." It's all new to him, just like Book One was all new to Ana. It's turnabout. We're all rooting for Grey to overcome his internal demons, and it looks like he's making strides. We see him mark boundaries for where Ana can touch him with a tube of hooker-red lipstick. He struggles through experimental touch in his forbidden zone (chest). He gradually draws away from the BDSM contract and non-disclosure agreement, and asks her to move in with him, so staying in the same bed is a given.  The "playroom" takes on a different meaning for them both.

His therapist makes a few cameos, and Ana even gets to talk to Dr. Flynn about Grey (which was well done). We learn that Grey has made more progress with Ana in 3 weeks than Flynn has made in 2 years. There is hope for a future for these two, for a healing for Grey, and it's that hope that keeps you reading well past the time to go to bed.


If you plan on reading this book, keep what I wrote earlier in mind: the sex scenes are the keys to unlocking the mysterious Christian Grey.

Kudos to EL James for a most provocative look into BDSM and the effects of childhood trauma.

Let's Analyze: Have you read the book? If you have, do you agree with my assessment? If you haven't (and you actually read all the way down...sorry for you), do you still want to?

I Just Read Fifty Shades...

Don't miss my therapeutic assessment of this provocative book tomorrow!