Dear Jeannie: Dressing Drab and Losing a Child

Dear Jeannie,

My heroine is the oldest of five, a member of the highest class of her society, was abused by her father as a child. Everything in her life is about protecting her sisters, and she's very bitter about men and her mother's obliviousness to what happened. Her father always told them little girls should never dress in colors because they attracted unwanted attention, which was immediately followed by said unwanted attention. As a kid her wardrobe was gray, brown, black, and very drab. As an adult she wears bright colors to make sure she isn't lost in a crowd and easy to dismiss if some man makes any kind of advance. With her mother's death she's now in the public eye as a High Lady, in a science fiction universe. She's torn between wanting to be left alone and not wanting to get lost in a crowd and becoming another statistic. I want to make sure her color choices make sense on a psychological level.

Lost in the Future


Dear Lost,

What happens between her childhood and adulthood will answer this question. If she does wear the bright colors, then she must have gone through a rebellious phase or an "I don't care" type phase. She would have to change her basic thinking about colors, and maybe come to the conclusion that brighter colors equals more protection (perhaps she saw this in action?). You don't specify when or how her mother dies, but an event such as that (especially if she was estranged with her) could prompt such drastic changes in her wardrobe. But this would need to be carefully thought out, because childhood trauma of abuse (I assume sexual in nature?) would be intricately tied to the need to dress drably an blend in. More info is needed about how she became a High Lady (and what that even is) for this to be fully fleshed out. Feel free to respond in the comment section below...but she sounds fascinating!


Dear Jeannie,

Reva has grown up in a demoralized martial-law state (following a failed coup). Her parents were big supporters of the put-down rebels, and she's grown up being fed a steady diet of bitter anger and frustration. Trouble is, she's fallen in love with (and married) a state sympathizer. He's fun, kind, solid--hard to resist. In an effort to start fresh, they've moved to a new frontier. My question is about the dynamics of their marriage. They had one child, who died right before the move, and Reva can't have any more children. What kind of grief/trauma is she going to face, especially cut off from the family and friends she grew up with? How is she going to react to other children they encounter in their new life?

Starting Over in Statesville 


Dear Starting Over,

That is not where I thought you were going with this question (I thought it'd focus on the marriage itself between two people with opposite philosophies). Having a child die is considered one of the most traumatic experiences an adult can go through. It's unnatural in the life scheme of things, and will stay with her forever, made doubly traumatic by not being able to have any more children. She will experience grief, of course, and this can look as different as each individual is. I imagine she'd be more depressed without any of her regular support system around. She would have one of two prominent reactions to other children, which can and will change over time. 1) She can isolate away from them, not wanting to be reminded of her loss (which might be more likely in the beginning), or 2) She will want to be around children in any way possible, to take what joy she can have in them (more likely later on, I'd think). Best of luck writing her!

Got Questions?

Maybe I've got answers. Leave your question anonymously in the comment section below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle. I'll post my answers in future Dear Jeannie columns.

Hope your Christmas was wonderful, and that you're off too a good start in the new year! :)

Bonus Dear Jeannie: Ben, Zack, Luke and Nina on the Couch

Dear Jeannie,

Upon their fathers' deaths, two cousins each inherited the thrones of a joint kingdom made of two city-states. Ben--athletic, charming, possessed of excellent "people sense"--fell easily into a wealthy, hedonistic social world that favors the aristocracy. Zack--studious, far-seeing, maimed in his first battle--threw himself into governmental reform in favor of the growing middle class. As they grow from teenagers to men, is it plausible for them to keep their kingdom intact? Growing up, they had respected each others' strengths, but with both their personal and political lives at odds, there's a lot of room for dissent and disrespect. The merger of the two cities had been their fathers' vision, which they were each raised on, but both of their councils keep pressing for a split. At what point do old friendships and pure cussed stubbornness give way to jealousy and disillusionment?
Eaten Up in Edisto


Dear Eaten Up,

It is said that personalities only become more entrenched and pronounced through life (i.e., people are unlikely to see things a different way). Best friends frequently grow apart, especially if their interests and passions are so dissimilar. Yet, anything is possible. Depending on how you want to write it, you could have them using the strengths of the other to further their father's wishes (i.e., Ben catering to the wealthy an Zack to the middle-class) and recognizing that kingdoms have to have both to survive. Or you could have them dissolving the kingdom due to "irreconcilable differences." It seems that with both councils pressing for a split, this would be more likely....that, and the fact that you mentioned the two city-states were "warring" to begin with. Likely, emotions would still be running high on each side, b/c that kind of hate doesn't turn off with a few signatures to a piece of paper. So really, the question isn't so much of a psychological one as a what's-your-preference question. What would serve your plot and your theme better? Because the answer is that it could go either way. I welcome additional thoughts below. Thanks for writing in!


Dear Jeannie,
Luke has two families: one with legal claim, and one who loves him. His father died before he was born, and he has been raised as a half-servant/half-political pawn ever since. (His mother was remanded to slave status on her husband's death, and dies when Luke is about 12.) The other family, into which his favorite cousin marries shortly before his mother's death, are long-standing enemies of the family who keeps him. Nevertheless, his cousin's new family give him an education, every scrap of protection they can afford, and open-ended job offers. Their love saved his life, giving him purpose and direction. They would adopt him in an instant, if it wouldn't start a war. Luke, having grown up as a knotted rope in a slippery tug-of-war, has never accepted the adoption or the employment. He continues to serve his family.
How can I write Luke's story without making this sound like Stockholm Syndrome or some sort of hive mentality? As a grown man, he persists in hoping to infuse his blood family with some of the kindness and compassion of his heart's family, but is this a delusion that's going to kill him before anyone sees his perspective?
Worrywart in Wilmington 


Dear Worrywart,

Luke sounds like a typical child in the foster care system. They find the love, acceptance, and support from strangers (ideally), but would give anything if that could have come from their biological family. And yes, sadly, this is usually a delusion...one that persists following disappointment time after time. The odd thing is, these children generally would prefer to be with their biological family, regardless of what that family did to them. I've pondered this, coming to the conclusion that children are hardwired to love their family, no matter what. Children who were faced with much better situations, much better opportunities, and unending affection would rather live with bio parents, who abused them, didn't value them, treated them as mistakes/annoyances...it just didn't make sense. So at least you're writing Luke's loyalty to the legal family realistically. Something pretty major would have to occur for him to give up on this hopeless crusade (nothing short of the death of the legal family, almost). While his dream might not literally kill him, emotionally...it could. Sounds intriguing...good luck!


Dear Jeannie,

Nina's parents died when she was young, leaving her to the care of her older brother. He abused her and "farmed her out" to his friends when the authorities became suspicious. By the time the reader meets her, she is the half-starved mother of three illegitimate children, whose fathers she *never* wants to discuss. She finds work in a castle whose lady offers an education, self-defense training, and a lock on her door. The lady and Nina are both subjects of a lot of unfriendly gossip, but they never talk about things like the past. When one of the retainers starts romancing her, is there room for anything other than hostility? He's quiet and kind, but also a known sneak, so most of the castle catches on to his campaign before she does. If Nina never talks about some of the white elephants in her life, will they be destructive and permanent baggage?

Zipped Lips in Kissimmee


Dear Zipped Lips,

Oooo. Damaged. Love this. When this guy starts to romance her, she won't know what to make of it. She won't expect men to be gentle and kind, and certainly not to treat her as if her opinion mattered. She'll avoid it, but thoughts will niggle in the back of her mind, wondering why he's different. No, she won't trust him...might not ever trust him...and time would be their only ally, which means you'd have to see about the passage of time in your book judiciously. No short-term, flash-in-the-pan romance for her. These white elephants in her life will always be present. Even talking about them doesn't remove their presence, but it might take the power out of them if she does. Bottling things up can be extremely negative and impact a person psychosomatically (meaning physical complaints that can't be explained medically, etc). Nina would likely be a very sickly-type woman, as might her children, all of which is indicative of her exposure to the traumatic experiences she's been through. Best of luck writing this intriguing character!

Dear Jeannie: Stockholm Syndrome and Sexually Active Abused Women

Dear Jeannie,

My protag is part of a group of allies. he has supernatural powers, but is struggling to control them. The rest of his group doesn't notice this. When he nearly kills himself by his own power, he is offered help by a team of drug dealers with similar issues, who use the drugs to keep powers under control. The drug dealers offer him aid and sympathy, and foster feelings of anger and betrayal toward his old group. The two factions confront each other, and his old teammates learn the truth, and forcefully drag my protag back, in part to finally help him.

What might his emotional state and feelings be after being "taken away" from his new allies and back to his old friends who originally "abandoned him"?

Unknown in the UK


Dear Unknown,

The main question you have to ask is whether your protag, at any time, views the drug dealers as enemies. If he did, and reluctantly accepted their help because he was at the end of his rope, then what you're describing here could very well fit into Stockholm Syndrome. (This is when the victim overly identifies with and relates to the abuser/captor/etc and doesn't see them in a negative light.) If your protag looks at them from the beginning as allies as well, then this would not be the case.

Since you have your protag on the drug dealer side, confronting his old allies, I'm leaning toward Stockholm Syndrome. If he respects them, how they manage their powers--even if it is through using drugs--then even though they are the enemy camp, so to speak, he'd still fight on their side. Once captured by his old friends, he'd want to return to the drug dealers. (Even more so if addicted to the substances they plied him with.) It would likely take a major event of some kind, where the new friends can prove to the protag definitively that the drug dealers were "bad," before he'd willingly succumb to their ministrations.


Dear Jeannie,
 
One of my main characters is constantly degraded by women and men (especially men who treat her as an object for them to control). In her childhood, her foster father tried to take advantage of her sexually. I read somewhere that even after being taken advantage of in such ways, girls still remain sexually active. Can you explain the progression from being sexually abused to sexually active?
 
Always Anonymous


Dear Always Anonymous,

I wouldn't call it a progression so much as a process. When young girls are abused, it is often by someone they know and love, even respect. Probably one of the most heartbreaking stories I heard from a client was from one who had been abused by her father for years. She said she loved her father for abusing her, because when he was having sex with her was the only time he was nice to her. (Jaw dropping, right?)

Young girls learn that it is during the sexual act that they are often treated well, noticed, cared for. They come to associate sex and sexual acting out (dressing to receive lecherous looks, being forward and flirty, etc) with love and affection. They can't divorce the two. So they grow up to be extremely sexually active and promiscuous, because by so being, they meet their Need for Affection (you can grab my free Writer's Guide when you sign up for my newsletter, which talks more about the three basic needs of people).

Got Questions?

Post them anonymously below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle.
I'll get to them in future Dear Jeannie columns.

New Adult/YA Bestsellers Fall Flat

I spent a ton of time reading over the break. I managed to read most all Kindle bestsellers in the Young Adult/New Adult category, as that's where the wind has been blowing me lately. For this post, I'm going to focus on Hopeless by Colleen Hoover (NYT best seller) and The Coincidence of Callie and Kayden by Jessica Sorensen (NYT and USA Today best seller).

Nice graphic there, eh? Did it myself. At any rate, consider yourself warned.

What struck me the most was the similarities of these two stories. Indeed, I feel sure that everyone who bought one must have bought the other. They have almost the exact same number of reviews (both over 1300).

Both deal with incredibly dense subject matter once you take away the heart-pounding romance elements. In Hopeless, the main character (Sky) is a victim of childhood sexual abuse. In The Coincidence, the heroine (Callie) is a victim of sexual abuse and has an eating disorder (more on this later), and the hero (Kayden) is a victim of severe physical abuse at the hands of his father.

Both had very good characterization development at the beginning, at least. I became invested in the stories, but this only served to throw my let down in sharp contrast. But there were some things done right, for sure.

As to what wasn't.

I'll start with Hopeless.

Sky has trouble with intimacy. She removes herself from the moment and goes into her head, a common problem with victims of sexual abuse. However, she doesn't remember the abuse, so thinks there is just something wrong with her. She's a virgin.

Enter Holder, the hunky ex-neighbor she doesn't remember who is the brother of her best friend (whom we later come to learn killed herself because she, too, was abused by Sky's dad). He knows who she is and also that she doesn't know. Sky conveniently starts having these recovered dreams to put the pieces together. She comes to understand that her "mother" abducted her to protect her from her father.

Once she remembers how her daddy would "turn the doorknob" and come into her room at night after her mother died, she decides to confront him. He's a law enforcement officer (some sort of statement there, I feel). Holder is there, and the book just slowly deteriorates.

Dad ends up copping to the truth, which includes a revelation that he abused the "little girl next door" after Sky left home (which devastates Holder, b/c now he knows why his sister committed suicide). Then, no joke, her dad kills himself in front of his daughter and Holder. Literally takes his gun and blows bits of his brain into Sky's hair. As if this isn't enough to traumatize someone for life, they go back to their hotel, take a shower together, pick out the brain matter, and then have sex for the first time?!? WHAT? We're so messed up that we need to get together. Totally unbelievable, very melodramatic, utterly disappointing.

Now on to The Coincidence. This one was the better of the two for me, but there were equally unbelievable aspects.

Callie has all the stereotypical outward characteristics of an anorexic/bulimic. She is skinny, wears baggy clothes, and all of a sudden, had a behavioral change in 6th grade where she went from "normal" to "freak" when she withdrew from everyone and everything (take a wild guess what happened to make this change).

But that's where this element of her characterization ends. Most people are dominated by their eating disorders to the point of physical unhealthiness. Callie just "dabbles" in it when she wants to. A trip to the bathroom to make herself feel better after getting too "close" to Kayden physically, to help her gain control. Purging is not an afterthought.

She interrupts Kayden's dad from killing him the night of graduation and they have a platonic moment before she leaves for college that summer. He joins her at the school during regular freshman orientation, during which Callie has undergone a tremendous change socially, at least. No identified reason for this change, but I suppose being away from her hometown and the bad things that happened to her at home helped?

She now has a best guy friend who is gay (major cliche, with his own issues due to his sexuality) who she now trusts when she has trusted no one before (likely because he has no interest in her sexually and the pressure is off). They have this list of things that she's supposed to do...basically to live a little, all of which thrust her into Kayden's path more and transform her physical appearance (getting rid of her trusted hoodie sweatshirt, wearing her hair down instead of in a ponytail, etc).

Kayden is physically abused by his father, who has major anger management issues. I think this is fairly true to life around the world, and abused guys are rarely featured in fiction, so I found that part refreshing. His family dynamics were well done, as well, given that Kayden was the youngest of three boys, and he was left to his dad's rage when his brothers skipped town.

He has emotional scars, just like Callie...and I suppose that is the coincidence of them getting together? Both are familiar with outward scars. Callie has to face her abuser (brother's friend) when he comes home during Christmas break during the same trip that Kayden's dad nearly kills him.

And then the book ends.

What can possibly be more frustrating than a non-ending? Now you have to read The Secret of Ella and Micha to finish Callie and Kayden's story. I suppose this could be a positive according to marketing and sales...but I have lost all faith in this author to produce a story from cover to cover. Just advertise it as half a book if that's what it is.

I suppose you can say that this is my rant, but hey...

It's my blog and I can rant if I want to, rant if I want to, rant if I want to....you (might) rant to if it happened to you.

Let's Analyze

Have you read either of these two books? What were your thoughts?

It's not too late to enter my Writer's Guide to Breaking Stereotypes giveaway! Today is the last day to enter, so click here! Winner announced Thursday.

3 Common Misconceptions About Eating Disorders

Today you're in for a treat. Singer-songwriter Christa Black is guest-posting on an issue near and dear to her heart. She's recently written a new book, God Loves Ugly, which released September 4th, which chronicles her struggle to find personal peace in the face of insecurity, self-hatred, sexual abuse, depression, and eating disorders.

I haven't posted much on eating disorders, so I hope you find an insider's look as interesting as I did. So welcome Christa! Take it away.

For over two decades, my life was haunted by a devastating food addiction.  If you’re enslaved to food or know someone who is, here are some common misconceptions that are essential to learning for freedom to become a reality.

#1.  Oh, they must think they're fat.

When I binged for the first time at 8-years-old after stumbling onto late night porn down at a friends house, I guarantee you, the last thing I was thinking about was my weight.  Shoveling football player sized portions into my mouth wasn't about my body.  I was numbing an ache in my heart that needed a quick fix.  Controlling the amount of food I let in was just about the only thing I could control in an unpredictable world that punched at me without warning.  

I couldn't control the sexual abuse that had happened outside the home.  
I couldn't control the cruel things that came out of kids' mouths at school.
I couldn't control my freckles, red hair, and the reflection I hated in the mirror.
But I could control food.

Later in life, when the weight began to pile on after years of binging, I would have told you that my anorexia, bulimia, and overeating were about feeling fat.  But in reality, the problem wasn't my reflection.  It was my perception.  I truly believed, more than I believed the sky was blue, that I was unworthy of love.  So every time I looked in the mirror through the lens of those beliefs, what I saw was never enough, no matter how thin, perfect, or beautiful I became.

So yes, people with eating disorders believe that they're fat.  But the real problem is, they believe they're unlovable the way that they are.    

#2.  Eating disorders are just about food

Anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating aren't really about food.  Food just happens to be the closest drug able to numb the pain inside.  

Every heart needs one precious substance to live and thrive--LOVE.  Just turn on the radio or television for ten minutes to see what the world is longing for, or go read a book about baby brain science.  We thrive in atmospheres of affection.  When you don't get the love you need, or when it's perverted and cruel, you find counterfeits.  Why?  Because you weren't made to be empty.  These counterfeits can be anything from food, alcohol, and drugs to perfectionism, people-pleasing, and sex.  Anything that fills the heart, temporarily appeasing the ache inside, is a counterfeit affection.  The problem is, these 'fixes' are never enough, which means you have to keep going back for more.

Eating disorders, or any substance abuse for that matter, are just symptoms that a heart needs deeper healing.  

#3  You can never be completely free from an eating disorder once you've had one.

When my therapist told me I'd have the tools to "manage my addiction" but that I'd never be free from it, I got angry.  I refused to believe that because things had happened that were outside of my control--bad things, painful things--that it was just my lot in life to suffer forever and that I would never enjoy freedom and peace.

I didn't want tools to just get by.  I wanted freedom.

And I found it.

Whatever your religious orientation, I believe more than anything that the nature of God is unconditional love.  That means, you can't earn it, perform for it, be good enough for it, or lose it.  It's always there and never leaves based on your behaviors.  When I started allowing God and His unconditional love into the most shameful places of my past--the places I believed were unlovable--I began to heal.  I began to change.  

We all behave according to what we believe, so when my beliefs changed, my behaviors change.  I didn't have to go after the food or the addiction anymore.  I was being loved and believed I was lovable, so there was no need to fill myself with something that didn't love me back.  

Food addiction, self-hatred, people-pleasing, perfectionism--they're all becoming distant memories for me.  I live my life to receive love in the ugly places, and beauty keeps rising from the ashes.  

No matter what you're struggling with or how impossible it seems to ever be free, I promise you,  you can be changed.  You can be healed.  You can be free.


Christa Black is a popular blogger, speaker, and singer-songwriter whose songs have been recorded by multi-platinum-selling artists Jordin Sparks and Michael W. Smith.  She has toured with The Jonas Brothers, Michael W. Smith, and Israel Houghton.  After years of battling depression, addiction, and a chronically broken spirit, Christa was radically shaken by a God who truly loves ugly.  She lives in Nashville, Tennessee, with her husband and son.  God Loves Ugly is her first book and corresponds with her CD, God Loves Ugly. Visit Christa’s site to learn more and read the first chapter! http://christablack.com/book/


Thanks so much for this post, Christa! I hope your book reaches individuals in a mighty way for the Lord and invokes a change in their lives that can only be explained my Him.

Let's Analyze

Did you learn anything about eating disorders that you didn't know?

Character Clinic: Day 1

In an attempt to make a dent in my queue, this week is Character Clinic Week! There will be one assessment every day of the week except Friday!

You can find me blogging today over at my fab crit partner's cybercorner, Katie Ganshert, on the importance of a character's family of origin. There, you can leave a comment to be entered to win my Writer's Guide for Creating Rich Back Stories, so stop by and say hello! I'm still celebrating the launch of my new new website, so my friend Patricia Woodside is also chatting me up at her blog, Readin' N Writin' with Patricia! Hopefully you'll have a chance to check it out.

Ralene's character, Cindy*, who is in her contemporary suspense, will be the first one on the couch. Cindy was raised with a workaholic dad and a mom who waited on him hand and foot. When Cindy grows up, she becomes a pediatrician and gets married, but her husband starts to abuse her. Cindy eventually withdraws from her family, friends, and quits her job--all in the name of trying to be a better wife to her husband. Eventually he goes to far and burns cigarettes on her back, at which point Cindy goes to the police. Other than a few smacks on the hand and a restraining order, the police don't do much. Cindy files for divorce quietly and then disappears, taking as much as she can from their joint account and moving to a small town where no one knows her or her past.

Ralene wants to know: What lasting effects would this experience have on her? What quirks might she have picked up? How would she relate to people after being abused and shut in for so long?

Interesting character tension here. You've got a well-trained doctor who doesn't understand relationship dynamics very well. Of course, many doctors are book people, not people people (which is why we get those boors with bad bedside manners). But since she went into the field as a result of her sister's untimely death when she was young, it makes me think she'd be more about the people--helping those who are hurting, etc. 

But then you throw in this wrench of her husband abusing her. From what I've understood about domestic violence, it's rather insidious. It starts off with one or two smacks...in the heat of the moment. He's usually very apologetic, bending over backwards to make amends, and the woman believes that it was more of an accident than anything else. Then it happens again. The cycle of abuse becomes more ingrained, though, with each round. Eventually, the woman is literally trapped in a living nightmare and doesn't even understand how she got there.

So it's not a plot hole that she's a doctor and is in this abusive relationship, but it does give her an inconsistency and almost hypocritical element to her personality, as no doubt she would intervene with one of her patients at the first sign of abuse. In fact, that would make for a great back story of what finally gets her to quit her job...maybe she just couldn't take the hypocrisy. Helping others crying out for help when no one is coming to her rescue. Just a thought I had.

She finally leaves the man (which, I've said this before, but it bears repeating--women leave an abuser on an average of 8x before they finally leave for good), but probably not without some failed attempts prior. She gets to a new town to start over...but she's damaged. What might this look like?

1) Trust will be a valued commodity. Her modus operandi has been to close in on herself, probably for two-fold reason: 1) keep people at arms length so they aren't drawn in to her abusive story and 2) her husband refused to allow her outside contact. (Think Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts. She was essentially alone in that big house, miserable and unable to tell anyone what was actually going on behind closed doors. In fact, this would be a great movie to watch for research purposes, because Julia moves to a small town to "start over" and she is very reluctant to talk to anyone or allow anyone else in to her newly discovered life of freedom.

2) She'll likely live in fear. She'll peek over her shoulder and constantly look around her for the husband to show up and claim her back. This will give her a steady anxiety that will become her status quo. She'll just learn to live with it--unless you've tied up the husband string much earlier in the book. I had a client who just couldn't get on with her life, even with the guy in jail. She lived in constant fear and paranoia that he was either going to get out and hunt her down or that he had friends or relatives out looking for her, watching her. 
 
3) Romance won't come easy--at least not for a while. It'll be anxiety-producing, just the thought of getting intimate with someone again. She will have just rid herself of one monster, why would she want to risk it again? The client I mentioned flat out told me that she'd never be in another relationship again. This isn't the case for all abused women--in fact, many of them get right back into another abusive relationship. It's almost like they seek it out. But I'm going to give Cindy the benefit of the doubt, due to her training and education, that she knows better. 

4) Her quirks will focus on lessening attention to herself. She has just lived a life for years that was like walking on eggshells. She didn't want to give her husband the slightest provocation to abuse her--whether that was a late dinner, pants pressed incorrectly, or not dressing the way he liked. She has probably spent countless hours trying to just blend in to the scenery. I imagine she'd take these kinds of quirks away with her to the new town. The less PR she gets, the better. (So to throw a speed bump in her plans--draw her out with some plot point that forces her into a spotlight, even if it's just on a church committee or something. She won't like it.)


Hope this gives you a starting off point!

Treatment Tuesday - Comicbook Superhero

This week's assessment comes from Mike. He wrote in with my first comicbook superhero to assess! Wild Card* is an unorthodox superhero. She became a vigilante as a result of a series of acts of domestic and sexual abuse against her. Another superhero saved her on one occasion, and she aspired to be like him. Instead of living like a victim, she decided to use her sexuality as a weapon to punish men like her attackers. She works as a street magician, wearing a distracting outfit while she plies her craft of excellent slight-of-hand. Being a vigilante and doing some good gives her meaning and the freedom of navigating the city at night is liberating. She carries herself with a devil-may-care facade and craves independence, yet latches onto strong, seemingly dependable types. Her father left at an early age, and she has had numerous rocky relationships with no real solid ground.

* Name has already been changed to protect the fictional.

Mike wants to know: Would it be plausible that a victim of sexual abuse would ever choose to use her sexuality as a weapon (combative of otherwise)? Or would it be that she would completely shut herself off to any sort of sexuality?

I love your description of her, Mike. She's clearly seeking approval and affection from men, probably a result of her absent father and issues with abandonment, yet she wants to appear devil-may-care. The reality is that she is anything but, but her alter ego of Wild Care lets her meet this need.

Alter egos/identities throughout fiction and film usually are the polar opposites of the person's "real" persona. Superman = strong, strapping, sure of himself; Clark Kent = mousy, stuttering, lacks self-confidence. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Interesting how the "real" persona's perceived "weakness" is found in perfection in the alter identity, doing/saying what the real person never could.

It makes sense that Wild Card would use the fact that her sexuality brought her unwanted attention and trauma in order to bring that very outcome to people like her attackers. It's the best form of poetic justice, right?

To officially answer your question, a woman who has been abused as Wild Card has would likely react one of the two extremes you mentioned. I've seen abused women who absolutely would choose a world with no men over a world with them. They could go their entire lives and never see one, talk to one, or have one touch them. Shunning men comes as easily as breathing to these women.

Then I've seen women who came from a history of sexual abuse who almost seem to seek it out in the next partner and the next. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that they want to be abused, but that the abuse finds them. Perhaps that's all they know, all they know what to expect. Maybe they don't have higher standards and so settle for what they have known. Maybe they have incredibly low self-esteem and believe that's all they are worth.

So yes, a victim of abuse could definitely use the very assets that put them or found them in negative situations as a weapon. I've heard of women infected with STDs go on a rampage to infect others, using their feminine and sexual wiles to do this. While this is terrible and unethical (depending on the circumstances, I'd have to report this type of reckless behavior if it came out in therapy), they are using their sexuality as a weapon.

I imagined someone like Angelina Jolie or a vampire off of True Blood in this role. (I know, random.) Someone with a horrid past who maybe didn't overcome it so much as chose to shackle it to her future. Someone who perhaps feeds off the pain and bitterness that put her in such a broken place and allows it to fuel her anger or rage toward other would-be attackers and clean up the streets as a result.

The interesting conundrum would be that if Wild Card's "real" persona ever were to truly heal from her past wounds (like with, say, therapy) she wouldn't be nearly as effective in her role as Wild Card. It's what she most dislikes about her that becomes her salvation. Talk about effective tension-grabbing dissonance within a character!

Best of luck with this unorthodox superhero, Mike! Thanks for writing in, and as always, additional questions are welcome in the comment section.

You still have all week to enter the giveaway for Trish Perry's 

new release, The Perfect Blend. Click HERE!

T3 - Abusers in Society

A while back, I did a series of posts on abusers, which Miss Sharp indicated sparked this question: "I'd like to know more about how a therapist approaches an abuser and how abusers do or do not cloak their real selves in society."

The truth of the matter is that an abuser doesn't think of themselves as bad. They are very ego-centric (for more on this, see my post "Inside the Head of an Abuser"), so if you are writing a story in which your villain is an abuser, you essentially are writing a villain who doesn't see himself as villainous.

In general, an abuser isn't going to want to talk to a counselor. That shift of power or control is very disconcerting and uncomfortable for them, so they would avoid authority figures who have the ability to strip them of their power.

It's important to note here that the current standard for treating couples who have domestic violence is not to treat them together if there is active abuse going on. The reason is that the victim can be put in even greater danger and end up reluctant to say anything at all to the counselor. For example, after a session in which the victim opens up to say something about what the abuser did, the abuser goes home and punishes the victim for saying it in the first place.

But if faced with a situation in which they have to interact with someone in a position of authority over them, they can turn on the charm to such an extent that a therapist or other authority figure can actually doubt the victim's assertions of abuse. They do not come off in anyway as a creep or power miser. They appear average and usually nondescript. There is no physical formula to identify an abuser. They are not always huge monsters who pump iron, but are sometimes physically slight.

Abusers have figured out how to throw people off-balance. They are masters at it because they do it to their victims every day. An abuser can make the victim feel like the abuse is their fault or that they are going crazy. This type of playing of mind games with the victim as sometimes been termed gaslighting, named after the 1938 play, Gas Light in which the husband convinces his wife that she's essentially going crazy. There is nothing to prevent an abuser from trying to make the therapist think the victim is crazy, as well.

Hopefully this helps answer your question, Miss Sharp. If not, feel free to ask further questions in the comment section.

Treatment Tuesday - A Hitman Hitwoman

This week features a science fiction/action character created by Angela. Her character is Alaura*, an orphan who witnessed her mother's violent murder when she was 4 or 5. At age 8, the orphanage caretaker began to engage her in molestation. He liked it rough and would get very angry if Alaura cried or showed signs of pain. Alaura endured for several years before she hid a knife in the sheets and murdered him. The other orphans helped cover up the crime and Alaura moved on to become a hitman for a criminal organization. She feels that nothing she does can make her any more "unclean" than she already is. She thinks she's damaged goods and irredeemable.

Interesting quirks about Alaura: she's fixated with blood: it's patterns, color, taste, and consistency. She can find enjoyment in killing if the victim is "bad" in her mind. She has masochistic (enjoyment of pain) tendencies which really flare up when she's hurt or wounded during fights. She also has recurring nightmares where a "demonic" version of herself attacks or comforts her. She mimics this version of herself by tattoos and body modifications.

Angela wants to know: Does it make sense for a character to have as many psychological fixations as Aurora does? Does her mentality as a survivor of abuse justify her criminal behavior?

From reading your detailed sketch, I don't think you've got too many psychological problems wrapped up in this character. You do, however, have some serious issues that you've given her.

Childhood abuse can lend itself to serious mental and physical consequences for the victim. It very well could make a person unstable enough to murder their abuser, as you've had Alaura do. I'd probably include a flashback scene to that murder (depending on when you start the story) and really show how her fixation on blood got started. Maybe she killed the guy and was fascinated at how the blood soaked into the sheets like kitchen yuck onto a Bounty towel in a commercial. His blood flowing out might have been freedom or power infusing her own veins. No doubt that was a critical moment in time for her development.

She'd feel justified in this kill since he was hurting her. This justification could for sure translate to other victims if they were "bad," but I'd never say that her mentality as a survivor of sexual abuse justifies her criminal behavior. That's a slippery slope I wouldn't want to get on. Nothing justifies murder. (Although I'm sure someone, somewhere would get into a debate over this.)

The part that has me concerned is how connected do you want the reader to be to this woman's plight? You've given her some characteristics that are disturbing, such as the fixation on blood, masochism, and enjoyment in killing. I can only assume with the enjoyment comes no feeling of remorse, and that's a scary trait found in most antisocial serial killers, psychopaths, etc.

You mentioned that you didn't want her to think she's redeemable, so she would figure, "What do I have to lose?" That's a different mindset from a psychopath, for sure, because they don't see the value in human life the way a normal person does. Alaura probably values human life, but her job is to take it, which leaves the reader wondering what need is being fed by her occupation to put her in such a quandary. There's dynamic tension there, but why?

Maybe a crucial question to ask would be how she got into the hitman business. Does she just have the stomach for it (with the whole blood fixation and thinking its cool)? Does she have a knack of going undercover to be what the victim needs her to be before offing them? (Kinda reminiscent of how she took it from the orphanage caretaker for so long before killing him.... learning not to cry out in pain, etc.) What's the ultimate reason behind her doing her job?

I'm reminded of the action movie Wanted with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. They were in a "fraternity of assassins" and they killed people whose name popped up in cloth (which is weird, but go with it). They ruthlessly killed, and felt no remorse, mainly because they believed in Fate. Fate would direct them to kill the right people, people who might go on in life to kill others. The good of the many versus the death of one. Something like that. They were able to kill because they believed they were doing the right thing (until it all blows up at the end and they come to find out that all of the assassins names had come up in the cloth, yada yada). If we thought they were just killing for the heck of it, we might not have appreciated the story as much. It would have just been a bunch of pointless gore.

Maybe her being a hitman should have something to do with the vague memory of her mother's violent crime that she witnessed. I think you should revisit this early childhood memory at some point, because things do remain latent in a person's memory like that. That motivation would at least be forgivable by readers...they'd understand that she's seeking revenge, or to seek recompense for her mother's death one death at a time until she gets to the right person. We can at least understand why then. (Oh, and FYI...while she might not remember the actual event, she might retain a sense of anxiety or apprehension around a certain type of man, who she might later find out resembles the killer. Just something to consider.)

Is it possible that she's become a criminal because she was criminalized (although I don't think this justifies it, but I said that before)? Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy? The man abused her, made her think that's all she was good for, so she just likely falls in with a criminal gang/group of people and does what they do. Perhaps it never feels natural to her, but it's all she knows? Or what if they are "abusing" her by threatening her to do their dirty work for her? Does she have to find any pleasure in it?

To redeem her, I'd give her a very soft spot somewhere. You don't want the reader thinking she's lost her humanity even when she may think she has. Maybe she takes care of a baby rabbit or cat. Maybe there is a street urchin she goes out of her way to feed or protect. And maybe that little street urchin ends up saving her life someway (either literally or metaphorically) because she invested time and love into him, perhaps not even knowing what it was she was doing.

All food for thought. :) Interesting assessment, although I'm not sure I've met my end of the bargain. If I missed something crucial, please let me know in the comment section.

IMPORTANT: If you missed my announcement yesterday that you can pick my brain without writing in with a character sketch, click here or just scroll down.

T3: Age-Specific Indicators of Domestic Violence Exposure

Last week, we talked about general effects of domestic violence on children. Whether they are victims of actual physical abuse or not, just witnessing it can cause a lot of emotional damage.

This week, to conclude this sad-but-hopefully-informative series, I want to leave you with a few age-specific indicators so that when you're writing about a child whose parents fight a lot, you'll have a handy quick reference guide to know what types of things to be sure to include in your characterization of that child.

Without further ado:

Infants

• Eating/sleeping routines are disrupted
• Injuries while "caught in the crossfire"
• Continual crying or irritability
• Withdrawal and lack of responsiveness
• Developmental delays
• Diarrhea from upset stomach
• Frequently ill

Preschool

• Physical complaints, some of which are real, some aren't
• Acting younger than their age (regression)
• Irritable
• Separation anxiety in the extreme
• Developmental delays
• Sympathy toward the mother
• Fearful of being left alone

Elementary Age

• Swing from hostility to being eager to please
• Developmental delays
• Talk a lot about home life
• Reduced social skill development
• Externalized behavior issues (like hitting, pushing, choking, kicking)
• Not sure about male/female roles (may act like an aggressor or a victim)

Preadolescence

• Behavior problems become more serious (detention and suspension common)
• Increased depression/isolation/withdrawal
• Emotional difficulties, like shame, fear, confusion, rage
  
• Poor social skills
• Developmental delays
• Can swing between wanting to protect mom and seeing her as weak
• Guarded and secretive about family

Adolescence

• Behavioral problems can lend toward more antisocial behaviors: skipping school, drugs, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancy/sexual acting out, running away, suicidal thoughts/actions
• Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home
  

Children can work through the above problems with counseling in a supportive, trusting, safe environment. The earlier they seek help, the better their outcome as an adult. Just something to think about!

T3 - Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

If you have a character who has been abused in some way as a child, then you need to remember this sentence:

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop lasting social, emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems than children who are not.

I'd also remember this:

The longer the conflict goes on--and the more severe it gets--the more lasting the impact on the child.

Notice that I wrote "the impact" instead of "possible impact" or "potential impact." Research backs this statement up.

Children will live in fear when there is domestic violence going on in the home, whether that violence is ever directed at them or not. Witnessing the violence is just as harmful as being physically abused. Studies show that if a child lives in a violent home, they are more at risk for abuse and neglect.

What characteristics do you need to know about, then, to write about one of these children? I want to look at four categories that will help flesh out these poor, traumatized children very realistically in your novel.

Behavioral

• Acting out or withdrawing
• Being aggressive (younger kids) or passive-aggressive (older kids)
• Refusing to go to school
• Parentified behavior (acting like the parent; like a caretaker)
• Lying to avoid confrontation
• Getting very defensive if confronted
• Excessive attention seeking
• Bedwetting and nightmares
• Reduced academic performance (and intellectual capacity)
• Manipulating situations

Social

• Isolating from friends and family
• Stormy interpersonal relationships
• Difficulty trusting anyone (especially adults)
• Poor anger management
• Poor problem solving skills
• Excessive social involvement to avoid home
• Passivity with peers or the opposite, bullying
• Can exploit relationships as a perpetrator or be exploited as a victim
  

Physical

• Complaints of headaches/stomachaches/other somatic pains
• Nervousness
• Anxiousness
• Short attention span/difficulty concentrating
• Tired or lethargic
• Frequently ill
• Poor personal hygiene
• Developmental regression (like in potty training or thumb sucking)
• High risk play
  

Emotional

• Grief for family and personal losses
• Shame/guilt/self blame
• Conflicting emotions toward parents (love & disgust, to name a few) confuse them
• Fear of being abandoned
• Fear of expressing their emotions
• Fear of the unknown or sustaining a personal injury
  
• Lots and lots of anger
• Depression/feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness
• Embarrassment

The nice little flowchart above illustrates all these effects in a colorful graph. Click on it to enlarge.

Not all of you writers out there have a currently abused child in your book, but I bet several of you have heroes or heroines who were abused as children. Think about how the above indicators would manifest in an adult. What if they never got help when they were a child? What kind of wounds would this adult carry around with him or her? What might that look like?

Since this was more of a general overview, next Thursday, we'll look at more age-specific indicators of children exposed to domestic violence so that you'll have even more research to back up your writing. That will be my final post on this subject unless it comes up in a character assessment.

My anniversary is tomorrow...5 years! I might just have to whip up a post reflecting on the first 5 years. What a glorious ride. :)

T3 - Inside the Head of an Abuser

An abuser is someone who has a pattern of behavior with a significant other that is controlling, manipulative, threatening, demeaning, and intimidating. The key is that it's a pattern, not a one-time or ever-so-often event. At some point, everyone in their life might be insensitive and demonstrate some of the above-mentioned behaviors, but that might make their behavior abusive. It's the pattern of these behaviors that makes the individual abusive.

It's important to look at the motive behind the behaviors to determine who is truly an abuser. We all might display some controlling behaviors, but usually our motives are pure: to protect a child, prevent hurt feelings, etc. But an abuser's motive? Show their partner who rules the roost.

They make requests and suggestions that are much more than what is heard at surface level. Usually there is a threat underlying their words..."Do what I say...or else!" This makes the request more like a demand. The victim will understand that consequences will follow if the "request" isn't met. To the abuser, if it isn't met, the victim is actively defying them. The victim has two choices: either accommodate or frustrate the command...there is no in between. Disobeying them means they will face punishment.

An abuser has a sense of entitlement when the request is made. This sense of entitlement, perhaps more than anything else, drives the abusive mentality. It's a narcissistic trait, for sure. Narcissists think they deserve what they want, when they want, where they want it, and how they want. They don't think they should have to earn respect and compliance, and when they don't receive it, they think they are entitled to be enraged, which of course leads to abusive actions.

What's interesting in my study of the abusive personality is that abusers often think of themselves as the victim! They feel like they are being constantly inconvenienced, and because of this, they are quick to blame who they perceive to be inconveniencing them. From blame comes anger and rage. Then the abuser will rationalize their abusive actions. And this only gets worse with time. The threshold gets lower and lower for how much "defiance" or "inconvenience" they will take, until they will find anything to rage about. This is when the victim says they feel they are "walking on eggshells."

While abusers are not limited to men, it's more likely that they are abusers if for no other reason than their comparative physical size and strength advantage over women. Women abusers are more likely to emotionally abuse men. A lot of female-on-male abuse just doesn't get reported, perhaps because of the stigma associated with a male coming forward to say he is being abused.

Next week, I'll take a look at some of the characteristics of children who grow up in abusive families. Hopefully it'll give you some good material for your WIPs.

The above information was taken in part from the website of Steve Becker, LCSW.

T3 - Top 10 Reasons Why Characters Would Stay In Abusive Relationships

In order to create more realistic fiction scenarios involving abusive relationships, I had a request to delve a little deeper and give insight into the couple dynamic.

The following 10 reasons why people stay in abusive relationships will be in bold black, and the counter-argument that might be able to "break them free" from the abuse you inflict on them in your novel will be in bold red.

#1) Love. Probably one of the most often-cited reasons. They love the partner and experience times when their partner is loving toward them. It's also painful to admit that someone you love would hurt you, so due to the very real love the victim feels, they will downplay the abuse or convince themselves that it's really not that bad.

Just because you love someone doesn't make them healthy for you. Leaving a person won't shut off your feelings for them, but it will put the victim in a more rational position to look at the relationship for what/how it truly is.

#2) Hope. They have memories of happier times and want to hold on to optimism that those times will return. They might believe the "key" to their happiness lies in a simple change to be had by the abuser---that one day, he will keep to his promise to change or that if the victim just does something differently, the abuse will stop.

Since the victim isn't the one doing the abusive acts, there is nothing they can say or do to change their behavior to end the abuse. The abuser will promise to change in the honeymoon stage, but the only sure-fire way to end the abuse is to end the relationship.

#3) Self-Blame. The victim might begin to internalize the words from the abuser that it was "something they did to deserve the abuse." The partner can say it's the victim's fault, and the victim might actually start to believe it.

You can only control yourself, not the actions of others. There is nothing the victim can do that deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. The abuser is 100% at responsible for what they are doing.

#4) Shame. It might be too difficult or embarrassing to admit what's really going on to friends or family because you're afraid of what they will think about you. One big possibility that might taunt the victim is if they said, "I can't believe you were so desperate for love that you settled for that guy."

If you aren't the one doing the abuse, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. People who might say something similar to the above statement aren't educated about domestic violence. There are people out there who won't judge you.

#5) Comfort. Many people grow up with violence in their families of origin. If a child was ever hit and told by a parent that they did it because they love the child, then they could grow up to think and accept that love and violence together.

Physical abuse is not about love--it's about gaining power and control. There is nothing normal about violence accompanying love. Love is antithetical to power and control...it's patient, kind, not envious, boastful or proud. Love isn't rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. It doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, persevered. Love never fails.

#6) Hopelessness. The victim may feel that they'll never warrant a relationship where they are treated any better, especially if they have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. They are willing to settle for an abusive relationship than being alone. There is a certain amount of co-dependence in this viewpoint for sure.

There are more people in the world who don't abuse than who do. Respecting yourself enough to believe you are worthy of a relationship that doesn't harm you might require therapy. The fact is, victims are strong people who endure tremendous much.

#7) Fear. If the abuser has ever threatened to harm or kill someone the victim cares about if the victim leaves, then the victim will stay shackled in the relationship to protect those loved ones.

If threatened, it's important for a victim to have a safety plan in place that they can act on quickly. The plan needs to include "cues" that might serve as warning signs of impending abuse, what things have worked in the past to protect themselves, leading escalating arguments into designated more public places, phone numbers that can be called for assistance, names/numbers of people who are willing to help out if you turn to them, a code word used to let those people know you're in danger, an escape route to safe locations and/or medical care.

#8) Guilt. Abusers are very good at playing guilt trips, and will tell victims how much it would hurt them if the victim left. They often will tell the victim that they would commit suicide.

Guilt trips are just one way abusers try to manipulate victims. It wouldn't be the victim's fault of the abuser actually followed through with a suicide threat.

#9) Religion. Interesting, this one. A victim might feel a messiah complex of sorts and want to rescue, change, fix, heal, and save their partner through being loyal and staying with them. Many Christian women in abusive relationships will quote Scripture about how "God hates divorce" in order to justify staying with the abuser. If they married couple has children, they also become a reason to stay, the victim believing that the child will be better off with two parents instead of one.
Oooh. Tough one to combat! No amount of loyalty or understanding will change the partner. Besides, loyalty must be earned, and someone who is supposed to love you but abuses you instead has betrayed your trust. As for children, witnessing domestic violence is extremely psychologically damaging to a child. It's better for a child to live with one non-violent parent than with two parents in an abusive relationship. Who's to say the abuser won't turn on the child? Visitations can be set up for the child to interact with the abusive parent in a safe setting. If they are real sticklers on divorce, then you can say leaving a person to maintain safety doesn't necessitate a divorce.

#10) Isolation. Abusers will often isolate a victim to the point where they have no close connections with family or friends. If the victim should ever choose to leave, then they might feel they'd have nowhere to go but a shelter or on the run. Victims are frequently dependent financially on the abuser--the abuser makes sure of it, as this is yet another technique to isolate.

Friends and family will be more supportive than you think. Often they resent the abuser for cutting them off from the victim and would be more than happy to step in and offer support if called upon. They'll likely be relieved to be asked finally! There are also programs out there designed for people in abusive relationships to gain financial independence.

I hope this sheds some light into how you can make your characters who are abused be more realistic in their arguments to stay with the abuser. Next Thursday, I'll *try* to take you inside the head of an abuser. Not exactly fun stuff, but helpful in creating vivid, realistic characters!

T3 - The Cycle of Abuse

Many of our characters struggle with abusive relationships--either currently or in their past. I thought delving into the psychology behind abuse might be helpful for today's Therapeutic Thought.

Take a look at the diagram. The yellow Honeymoon Period and the red Tension Building Period are indicative of "normal" relationships. Most all husbands and wives (or partners or what have you) go through these two stages--swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

The Honeymoon Period is just like what it sounds like. All fun and games, gifts, flowers, promises, and apologies (especially after a Tension Building phase). But the Tension Building phase brings in the little criticisms, some yelling at each other, swearing, even. It's when anger sets up a tent in the living room and people can feel they are walking on eggshells in their own home.

Alternating between the two is considered normal, even healthy. A relationship isn't tested until it hits a few bumps in the road, and when the bonds hold, the relationship is that much stronger for it. While this isn't the best news for married people, it's great news for writers. Tension makes our stories unputdownable. (Yes, I know that's not a word.) All you women's fiction writers out there who like to focus on the married couple instead of the sexual-tension-dating-phase couple usually create something huge that happens between the husband and wife, upsetting the Honeymoon Period and beginning a page-turning story. Usually, this is infidelity, pornography, or drug addictions coming to light.

But for an abuser, they can't go back to the Honeymoon Period without complete the cycle and Exploding. The Tension Building phase gradually escalates to psychological abuse--also called "gaslighting" (where they play mind games on the victim and make them think they are going crazy). They will isolate the victim from all support systems (see diagram below), and drug/alcohol addictions add to the mix in a horrific manner.

The abuser's inability to manage their anger is so lacking that they spiral out of control, sometimes blacking out in rage and not being fully aware of what they do. They can attack someone else physically, emotionally or sexually. A lot of women get raped during this time. Burns, broken bones, stabbings, bruises...and so much more.

The abuser then slips into the charming, charismatic, loving partner they were in the beginning when things were so good. They apologize, give gifts, flowers, cry, and say "I'll never do it again." The victim, desperately wanting to believe they haven't fallen in love with a monster, believes them (or doesn't, even) and it starts all over again.

One thing I recently found out in a domestic violence training is that a battered woman typically tries to leave her partner EIGHT times before she successfully disentangles herself from the relationship. Eight times of trying to make it in a shelter or with a friend, trying to take children away from the home only to be brought back by some financial insecurity or emotional connection with the abuser that renders the woman powerless in the situation.

Abuse is rampant in the world, so it's little wonder it shows up in our fiction. Understanding the mindset of the abused is difficult, as we're on the outside, looking in. What we often don't realize is that the abused woman has been trained/brainwashed to not seek out help or attention, to blend in to the scenery by trying to hide/cover their bruises. They often get upset or agitated when someone asks a pointed question or probes too deeply. But deep down, they do want help--they are just scared to get it. It's such a psychology trap.

If you have any specific questions about this cycle, I'd be happy to field them in the comments section if I can.

Q4U: Have you ever tried to talk a woman out of an abusive relationship? What were her reasons for staying? How did that feel?