Dear Jeannie: Parenting Styles and Psychotic Killers

Dear Jeannie,  

Dela was a pampered city girl, until the day she saw her parents killed in the first battle of a long war. She was rescued twice--first from the fight, and then years later from her rescuer. The first rescuer was a young teen herself (only a few years older than Dela), a country-bred girl with a good heart and no patience for Dela's spoiled games. Dela was thrilled to be saved from her when missionaries found them. These missionaries took Dela in, educated and trained her in the courtly city life she had missed so much, and then used her as bait to leverage themselves into a position of power. What would Dela's parenting skills/styles be? How would Dela handle her children? I am expecting a certain amount of passive-aggressive rebellion on Dela's part towards her husband, but I don't know why or how that is going to play into raising their children.

Reprogrammed in Raleigh


Dear Reprogrammed,

Dela was exposed to several parenting styles, from the sounds of it. If she was pampered, then her parents likely employed the Over-Indulger parenting style. The country-bred teen would more likely embody the Power Patrol style because you mentioned her lack of patience. My educated guess would be that the missionary parents, due to their more religious background and manipulative tactics, would be more Micromanagers. Ideally, she'd equal out somewhere in between these styles, incorporating aspects from all of them into a more Balanced style, but you'd know better than I which style she's more likely draw from. However, the formative years play quite a role in our development, and folks often end up more like their parents than they wish. Hope the posts I referenced help you figure Dela out a bit more. Thanks for writing in!


Dear Jeannie,

What would cause a sane character to kill for pleasure or satisfaction? I am guessing some childhood wounds could cause that but my knowledge concerning that is limited.
Suburban Writer 


Dear Surburban Writer,

Is this a trick question? By definition, someone who kills for pleasure or satisfaction would not be sane. Most killers with psychosis grow up with certain traits that seem to set them apart. I wrote about them (called the Macdonald Triad) in this post here. Hopefully that helps out. If not, feel free to respond below with more detailed questions I might could help with.

GOT QUESTIONS?

Maybe I've got some answers. Leave your question below anonymously, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle, and I'll post my answers in future Dear Jeannie columns.

The queue is empty!!

Treatment Tuesday: Personality vs. Parenting

This week's assessment is for Michelle. She wrote in about her character Shannon,* who was raised with a Golden Retriever, over-indulgent mom and a Beaver, micromanaging dad. Shannon craved her dad's approval so much that she put a Beaver mask over her Otter/Golden Retriever personality and is still wearing that mask today. Shannon's husband, Rod*, had a power patrol Lion father and an avoidant mom. Since they were wealthy, his parents hired others to deal with Rod.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional. 

Michelle wants to know: How will Shannon parent her daughter Allison, who knows just what to do to get her mom to do what she wants and Josh, who stays buried in his iPod and video games? How would her beaver mask impact her parenting? When Rod looses his job and the family has to move in with Shannon's parents (who tend cattle and cotton), how will this affect them based on their personalities?

I'm totally flattered that Michelle has obviously been scouring my old posts! As you can see, she referenced almost every parenting style post and personality types post I wrote above. Thanks for that feel-good, Michelle.

I want to start this assessment out with Rod, even though you couched your questions as being about Shannon. But Rod's my concern because of his power patrol father who he looks up to so much. I'm not sure how much interaction Rod really had with his parents, since they hired people to look after him (I assume nannies and the like), but you indicated Rod was a Lion like his father, which will probably give him the tendency to be a power patrol. And that's what he knew, after all.

So if his tendency is toward power patrol, that could cause some problems between him and Shannon, who is at heart a Golden Retriever and might have a bent toward over-indulging, like her mom. It all would depend on how well Shannon wears the mask of a Beaver. If she's still seeking approval from dad, or trying to heal the rift that developed after her barrel racing accident, then she might try to be more like him, micromanaging everything her children do like he did to her in hopes of connecting with him. This will be confounded by her moving back into her childhood home.

There's something almost magical about grownups boomeranging back to their parents' home. Fully functioning adults can become sniveling little brats as they adopt the method of interacting with their parents they had growing up. If Shannon's mother was such an over-indulger, she might revert to not making her bed or washing her own clothes because mom is there to do it--not only for Shannon, but for Shannon's family.

The controlling part of Rod will not like this. To say that living as extended guests in his wife's parents' home will be difficult for Rod is the understatement of the year. He's going to kick against this with all his might, as he's used to being in control and managing his own family (and career). Accepting anything like charity or handouts will not be easy, if not impossible. Rod would be desperate enough to take a job that he doesn't like to remove themselves quicker from this scenario.

The generosity of Shannon's nurturing mother will not be appreciated by Rod...he'll likely see it as an affront to his ability to provide those things for his own family. This will move Shannon into a difficult mediating position. She'll find herself split between defending her parents and their way of life and way of interacting with others and trying to ease Rod's disappointment and anger over the living situation by commiserating with him about her parents.

But I digress. Back to the parenting. Shannon's figured out how to be a Beaver by observing her dad. She knows how to approach Allison to get what she wants done. It's the underdog Golden Retriever/over-indulger inside of her that may let Allison think Shannon's a pushover--when in reality, Shannon is indulging Allison, possible against her better judgment, but doing it all the same. Rod isn't going to have that close of a relationship with Allison, likely, because she knows he's not the person to go to if she wants something. Allison will favor her mother.

As for Josh, it's pretty typical for boys to go through their video game phase where they hardly say ten words a day to human beings because they are playing their marathon rounds of Zelda (can I just date myself here?). Shannon will lean toward either micromanaging the amount of time she lets him spend on the video games and turning a blind eye when he doesn't get off right at the one-hour mark. Rod will not be this way. When he says "thirty minutes and lights out!" he means just that.

I'm not sure I'm really helping that much with this assessment simply because you've got this great backstory for Shannon and have given her a personality mask of being a Beaver when she's really an Otter. As you can read from my post here, Otters and Beavers don't mix. They are fairly diametrically opposed. Rod probably fell for the Beaver part of Shannon...but a Lion can get along with an Otter just fine....so when Shannon's true personality shines through, it shouldn't put an end to their relationship. However, if she swings more toward the Golden Retriever style of over-indulging, this will be a problem for his power patrol Lion (as I mentioned before).

Shannon's got a unique problem, because when projecting an image to the world that's not who you really are...it's exhausting. Your body has to use energy to keep up pretenses that it could use otherwise to repair the body. So FYI, when Shannon gets tired or sick...her true colors will shine through because she'll have less energy to keep the mask in place.

That's all I have Michelle. I hope it helps put you on the right direction. I welcome any additional comments below. Thanks for writing in!

T3 - "Balanced" Parenting Style

Before I get into the ins and outs of a "Balanced" parent (also called a Democratic, Active, or Equalitarian parent), a brief history lesson is in order.

DON'T LEAVE YET.

Based on what year your protagonists were born (or their parents were born), this information will actually be useful to figuring out which type of parenting style he or she most likely grew up with.

Children born before and during the 1950s most likely grew up with the Over-Controlling parenting styles (Power Patrol or Micromanager). Those generations resembled society in that there was a clear-cut pecking order. The father (man) was the supreme ruler, and mother was to be obedient to him, while children were to be obedient to both of them. This led to some awful things like child abduction and sexual victimization because children were taught to blindly obey authorities at the expense of their own rights.

By the 1960s, though, there was a major shift in society, from a superior/inferior structure to an emphasis on equal rights and self-worth. Civil rights became front and center, and children (especially teenagers) resented adults telling them what to do. They wanted to voice their opinions (loudly, and with music), and Over-Controlling parenting didn't allow for such individuality. Teens turned to drugs and the "sexual revolution" to escape and rebel, and parents had no idea what to do. Professionals who tried to help encouraged parents to loosen the reins, which swung the pendulum to permissive, Under-Controlling (Avoiders or Over-Indulgers) parenting.

These same teenagers of the 60s blamed their parents and authority figures for their problems. As a result, they vowed to raise their children differently and went to the other extreme in their parenting. By the 1980s, the problems in the 60s had reached epidemic proportions. Drug use had increased, teenage pregnancy, AIDS, gangs/violence, sexual victimization...all a result of permissive, Under-Controlling parenting.

The pendulum began to swing back toward Over-Controlling parenting as a way to gain control, but since both styles resulted in negative results for children and society. So it's wise to avoid both of these extremes, because they are inbalanced, and aim for Balanced parenting.

What do Balanced parents believe? They believe that their job is to teach children the life skills they need to be self-sufficient, responsible members of society. They believe that children are equal in worth and dignity, and that they deserve to be treated with respect. They want children to learn how to meet their own needs and not be unnaturally dependent on their parents to do so. They encourage children to learn from their mistakes and avoid blaming or criticizing them. Children are unique, not little Mini-Mes of the parent or balls play dough to mold into what the parent thinks they should be.

How do Balanced parents discipline? Balanced parents try to prevent discipline by telling children what they can do instead of what they can't. They focus on the value of a rule rather than the power of the rule-maker. They teach behavior skills, and then reveal to their children what the possible outcomes of their behaviors could be. Children misbehave and the parent tries to consider their child's goal and help them meet their goal through a more positive behavior. If the child still chooses to behave inappropriately, Balanced parents allow the revealed outcome to happen. They use logical and natural consequences for misbehavior and don't add suffering or verbal abuse to their punishments.

Long-Term Effects (obviously all of these will be positive):

1) Children learn how to operate within limitations and rules.
2) Children make responsible decisions and now how to be responsible.
3) Children are self-motivated/self-disciplined.
4) Children have excellent leadership and communication skills.
5) Children have good time management and organizational skills.
6) Children are less likely to rebel against authority.

So this wraps up our parenting series. If you missed the quiz somehow, and are totally confused about what I'm talking about, go here to take the quiz and find out what style you or your characters are. Ideally, learning about parenting styles will help you portray your protagonists' (or antagonists') backgrounds and histories more realistically...to understand what type of family they came from. Hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.

If you have any other ideas for series for the Thursday Therapeutic Thoughts, I'm all ears.

If you haven't left a comment to be entered to win Roseanna White's A Stray Drop of Blood (drawing will be on Palm Sunday for this terrific Easter-themes book), then click here.

Have a great weekend!



* A lot of the information in this series was derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

T3 - "Over-Indulger" Parenting Style

In the next to last week of looking at parenting styles, we'll focus on the Over-Indulger. This style is the less severe than the Avoider style, but it's still imbalanced toward the Under-Controlling side.

An Over-Indulger is like an Avoider in that they don't set limits either, but it's not because they don't care. They just don't want to make their child unhappy. Over-Indulgers generally fall into the Golden Retriever/Phlegmatic category. (You can read about them here.) They are tender and kind, understanding and sensitive. Often they avoid conflict at whatever the cost, and for them as parents, this means they give up their own rights to make others happy and keep the peace.

What does an Over-Indulger believe? They believe that children should have a happy childhood, free from negative experiences (even if these experiences could offer valuable lessons). Children should be carefree. These parents are so in tune with what their children need that they give in or give undue service, thinking that happy children are more likely to cooperate more.

How does an Over-Indulger discipline? By spending much of their time on their hands and knees...literally. The quintessential server, they give of their time and energy to their children so much so that their own rights and needs go unfulfilled. They take on many responsibilities and wear many hats--cooks, maids, tutors, financiers, cab drivers--and doormats. They come to their child's rescue entirely too much, protecting them from even what would be considered a healthy hardship, or one that will help them grow and mature or learn something about life or themselves. They want to prevent problems from happening and children from feeling disappointment. So they might drop everything to bring a forgotten lunch to school, or make an extra stop by the grocery store late at night to buy a certain brand cereal, because their child can't start their day without a bowl of that cereal every morning.

While the actions of a Micromanager and an Over-Indulger are similar, the motivations behind them are extremely different. Micromanagers are overly involved so they can control the situation or the child to look like good parents. Over-Indulgers are overly involved so they can protect children and serve their children's whims.

If your hero or heroine had a parent like this, how might they end up as an adult? Let's take a look at some possibilities:

1) Tendency to be self-centered.

These children are led to believe their whole lives that the world revolves around them...and their world did because mommy and daddy saw to it. Spoiled is another way to word this potential flaw. They expect success because they always had success, but they aren't willing to really work for it because it was handed to them on silver platters. This may lead to feeling powerful, because they think they can take advantage of others like they did with their parents. But when it doesn't work out for them in the real world, they'll have trouble coping.

2) Lean toward manipulation to get their way.

These children had it made. They knew exactly what button to push on their Over-Indulger parent to get them to jump and perhaps even say, "How high?" on the way up. They know how to get a parent to give in or give up. As a result, they don't really learn respect or how to be grateful. In fact, they may be ungrateful and demanding, which is shocking to the parents, I assure you. So these children grow up thinking the way to get what they want in life is to do the exact same thing to other people...and quite honestly, might not see anything wrong with it.

3) Can be a drifter of sorts.

As adults, children with this type parent might have problems operating within the limits of a job. Rules, authority figures, and responsibilities are basically new to them. They were the authority figure in their home and they had no real rules or responsbilities. So how are they to function out in the real world? The answer is that they might not be able to. They might go from job to job, searching out the "perfect job" that will allow them to do what they've been accustomed to doing.

4) Might boomerang back home a lot.

When things don't work out (like in #3), they'll come back home because they can't support themselves. Of course, the Over-Indulger welcomes them right back home, offering to do their laundry and make their bed for them. The adult child sighs comfortably, as this is the standard of living they are accustomed to. (Think Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch. Perfect example.) The parent feels needed, and the child feels in control.

Next week, we'll look at a brief history of parenting trends before finishing up with the Balanced Parenting Style, a.k.a., Perfect Parent (in theory).

Q4U: Any other series you'd like to see featured on The Character Therapist? I'd love to help out and answer some of those burning questions you might have!



* A lot of the information in this series will be derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

T3 - "Avoider" Parenting Style

This weeks marks the turn from looking at "Over-Controlling" parents to "Under-Controlling" parents. Also called permissive parents, these parents are the polar opposite of their imbalanced counterparts.

As you can see from the diagram, there are two types of Under-Controllers, the Avoider being the most severe (thus at the bottom on the scale) and the Over-Indulger. Though these parents aren't harsh or critical, that doesn't mean there aren't drawbacks associated with each style.

(For a peek at the Power Patrols, click here. For Micromanagers, click here. If you missed taking the quiz to determine what style parent your character is or has, click here.)

Avoiders are the type parent that doesn't do enough for their child. These are the parents who aren't physically or emotionally available for their child, and probably the parents Child Welfare gets calls on for being neglectful. They don't supervise their child, teach their child, discipline or even set limits for their child, and they certainly don't bother with correcting their child. That's just it...they don't want to be bothered with their child. Eventually one might wonder why an Avoider even had a child in the first place, as they are clearly a nuisance.

Avoiders are more than likely going to be your sanguine Otters. (Click here for more info on Otter personality types.) They are easy-going, friendly and engaging. They avoid responsibility and commitments, though, because they like to just laze around. They have a hard time following through, and will break promises at the last minute (yes, to their children, too).

What do Avoiders believe? The believe that their children will eventually "get" what's expected of them just from trial and error. They'll learn not to mix colors when washing their clothes on their own...after that first batch of pink t-shirts come out. They also believe that children shouldn't inconvenience parents.

How does an Avoider discipline? To say that they don't would be accurate. To them, a child's negative behavior will just magically go away if they ignore it or pretend the child just doesn't exist. They have a hands-off approach to parenting. A child can run wild as long as the parent isn't inconvenienced.

If a child grows up with an Avoider for a parent, there are some potentially bad long-term effects. Does your hero or heroine have any of the following tendencies?

1) Tendency to be impulsive.

Children of Avoiders are left alone so much of the time that, being left to their own devices, they often default to being bored. This boredom can lead to poor decision-making. Since their parents never took the time to really explain the reasoning behind why not to do something, these children don't learn from their mistakes.

2) Poor sense of self-worth.

How would you feel if your parents never really took time to be with you? That you weren't worth their time or effort. This would lend itself to probably the biggest personal challenge to overcome in adulthood.

3) Tendency to deny responsibility.

These children pick up on how their parents do things, and eventually, denying responsibility for the things in their lives will become like second nature to them. It's what mom and dad always did, so why wouldn't it work for them? They'll make excuses for their inaction or irresponsibility, and you might frequently hear from them that "I'm too busy," or "I don't feel like it."

4) Bent toward sloppiness.

Let's face it...if your parents aren't on your case to clean your room, make your bed, and fold the towels, you probably won't. A lifetime of not being made to do anything makes it difficult to go into adulthood where expectations are made. What would happen if you had a child of an Avoider who never does dishes marry a neat freak? Yikes! (But good to think about for your WIP as far as tension!)

5) Reckless seeking of attention.

Since I mentioned in #2 that these children are most likely going to have low self-worth, I thought I'd mention a consequence that would come as a result of that, and that's seeking attention any way you can find it. For girls, the consequences of this might be far more dangerous, but both men and women can get in "trouble" when they are looking for it. This kind of goes along with #1 in that they make make impulsive decisions, but attention from any corner is better than no attention at all.

These are just some considerations for your manuscripts. These behaviors and habits wold be great vices for your characters to overcome. Keep in mind that when working in generalities, some stereotype descriptions/outcomes might be prevalent.

Q4U: Any of you have a character with a parent who really didn't want anything to do with them? How did you portray that character? Seeking attention? Irresponsible? Impulsive? Or something else? Please share!

T3 - "Micromanager" Parenting Style

We're continuing with the "Over-Controlling" parents, and the less severe form of that style that I like to call Micromanagers. (For a glimpse into Power Patrol parents, click here. If you missed taking the quiz to determine what style parent your character is or has, click here.)

The Micromanager isn't quite as dogmatic as the Power Patrol, but they are still over-controlling. The people who fit into this style most likely are going to be your Beavers. (Click here for a detailed description of them.) In short, they are orderly, structured people who make the best Parent-Teacher Association members and church committee chairmen. They are respected by others due to everything they can get done, which makes them push harder to do more. This drive and self-discipline is also expected of their children.

What does a Micromanager believe? They believe that they have to monitor their children constantly to prevent bad behavior. They also believe that children are an extension of themselves, rather than their own entity. This belief can manifest into these parents believing that the child's behavior is a reflection on them as parents. So if a child acts badly, then they think this reflects on them as a poor parent, and vice versa when the child acts good.

A Micromanager listens to their child, but while they do so, they often judge the child's feelings as being right or wrong. Being concerned with opinions of others, they will often try to fit the child's feelings or thoughts into the mold of what they as the parent believe the child should think or feel.

How does a Micromanager discipline? A Micromanager is just that: one who micromanages everything their children do. We're talking about above and beyond the appropriate interest in their children's activities, as as an extension, above and beyond into the child's identity. These parents, being the Beavers they are, take responsibility of supervising their child's activities and then try to improve their child with rewards and incentives. They are proud to have "good" children and are quick to nag, lecture, criticize, and give guilt trips when the child doesn't act the way they want them to. Their ultimate phrase is to tell the child "I'm disappointed in you."

If your hero or heroine had this type of parent growing up, how might she or he end up as an adult? Here are some likely possibilities:

1) Lack of preparedness for the real world.

These children are the ones that never miss a choir rehearsal or forget to turn in homework or arrive late to a doctor's appointment. They are well-mannered and neatly dressed--but only because their parents make sure of it. When it comes time for them to do it on their own, watch out! They aren't ready and often times bellyflop their first semester in college. (These are the kids whose mother shows up at the university to help them fill out papers for their academic advisor and direct them to what classes they will take. You know the type...those who can't let go.)

2) Harbor feelings of resentment.

If your parent has unrealistic expectations of you and makes sure you know how often you miss the mark, don't you think you would, too? These children can be angry, bitter, frustrated, and discouraged. Their internal mantra is "I'm not good enough," or "I never quite measuring up."

3) Big-time people pleasers.

A person can only take disappointing someone so much. And these children use up that quota fast because of their parents. So they take to bending over backwards to please everyone else so they don't have to feel that horrid feeling of not passing muster. They want others to like them so much that they will inhibit their individuality and creativity to fit someone else's mold, which is ironic, since this is ultimately what their parents did to them growing up.

4) Lack self-motivation.

These children have been rewarded with external motivators all their life, whether it was in the form of verbal praise or money or cars for making the grade or what. So when they are put into the work force where the only real motivator is a check they will need every penny of to pay rent, life gets more difficult. They don't want to do a job well done just for the intrinsic satisfaction of having a great work ethic. They want more.

5) Tendency to be rebellious.

Micromanagers have difficulty letting go. Let's face it: a mom who follows her 18-year-old to college has issues. As a result, these teens are resentful of the intrusion (and rightly so), so they spread their wings and rebel just to prove they can't be controlled. The tighter the parent holds on, the greater the rebellion can be.

6) Lean towards being perfectionist...dangerously so.

Like parent, like child. These children can be obsessive over-achievers just like their Beaver parents. After all, they've spent 18 years trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. They will practically kills themselves (and some actually succeed) to try to prove their worth.

Of course, there is always the possibility that a child who grew up with parents like these won't have any of these issues, but I would think that would be a high improbability. They can be well-adjusted, but still carry some residual issues from childhood. Just think about it.

Q4U: Any Micromanager characters out there? If so, what issues did you give them in your novels?



* A lot of the information in this series will be derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

T3 - "Power Patrol" Parenting Style

This week, we dig into the first of our parenting styles, the Power Patrol. If you missed taking the quiz, click here. Once you score it for yourself or your character, sit back and wait until I hit on your parenting style. It's amazing what you can learn about where your character comes from and how that background still affects them (or you) today.

The most extreme form of an Over-Controlling Parent is the Power Patrol. In a worst case scenario, these parents are the ones who end up as a Child Welfare case because they have somehow physically or emotionally abused their children. But not every Power Patrol takes it this far.

In general, Power Patrols want to be in control of every situation. These are usually Lion-type personalities (if you haven't taken the Animal Personality Test I based an earlier series on, click here to access it). Everything that applies to the Lion type (click here), both positive and negative mostly applies to the Power Patrol.

How does this relate to parenting? There are some inherent challenges with all the types, but Power Patrols can have difficulty establishing warmth and connection with their children. They are bossy, argumentative and don't allow for different viewpoints other than their own.
are more concerned with the love of power than the power of love.

What does a Power Patrol believe? Deep down, the internal mantra of a Power Patrol is that children should follow the rules, plain and simple. If a child breaks the rules, then it's the parent's job to punish them. These individuals don't have the nebulous "gray area" that many parents struggle with. To them, everything falls into either black or white. Right or wrong. Usually, their way or the wrong way.

Children who have differing opinions from them are not encouraged to voice these opinions at all. They are seen as wrong, and the child's trying to speak his or her mind is seen as disrespectful or defiant. Besides, if a child exercises their right to speak up, the Power Patrol fears not being able to control the situation.

How does a Power Patrol discipline? By issuing orders, threatening the child with possible consequences of not following through, and shaming them if they don't do it quite right. If these don’t work, they often resort to physical punishment to motivate a child.

If your hero or heroine had this type of parent growing up, how might she or he end up as an adult? Here's some likely possibilities:

1) Inability to trust.

These children grow up with barricade over their heart. All they've basically known is harshness and criticism. Their parents might love them, but their actions hardly say the same thing. In fact, their words and even their body language indicates rejection. It's hard to put yourself out there for anyone for fear of additional rejection.

2) Tendency toward lording over others.

These children might be fearful of their parents, but they are also in awe of them. The amount of power that their parents wield impress them, and since they have no control at home, these children will often seek ways to have power over others anyway they can. They become the playground bullies or the boardroom debater who won't let up on a verbal match.

3) Little self-motivation.

Having grown up waiting for the next demand to come, children of this type parenting style aren't self-disciplined. They are other-disciplined. They go through childhood simply wanting to avoid punishment, and that's why they obey rules, not because they see the value of the rule or respect the parent's judgment. This can translate into low ambition in adulthood. At work, they will appear productive only when the boss's eye is on them.

4) May lean toward abusive relationships.
Since their parent was so controlling (or even worse, physically abusive), and this might have even been done in the name of love, these children come to associate pain (physical, mental, or emotional) with love.

5) Uncomfortable around physical affection.

Wouldn't you be a tad out of your element with a "touchy-feely" if you grew up with a man like the one in the cartoon pictured above? It's not like Power Patrols are completely unaffectionate, but they aren't known for their warm, cushy huge and pecks on the cheek.

If any of these fit the bill, then you'd have a nice internal character arc already plotted out for your protagonist.

Q4U: Any of your characters (or YOU) out there have this type of parent? Did you plan any of these types of conflicts for them to overcome?



* A lot of the information in this series will be derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

T3 - Parenting Styles Overview (and Quiz!)

If you're stuck on developing a truly rich backstory for your character--a reason to give them the current quirks and neuroses they have as adults--then look no further! For the next five weeks, this series on parenting styles will not only help enrich the lives of your characters on the page, but it will also help you parents out there know a little bit more about yourself and where YOU come from.

To begin with, we'll start with a two-part quiz. It's a little involved, so do yourself and your character a favor by grabbing a pencil and paper to take this puppy for real. (If you don't have time right now, then come back! Don't rush this one.) Using the scale below, write the number from 1 to 5 that corresponds to your level of agreement with each statement below.

1 strongly disagree; 2 disagree; 3 neutral; 4 agree; 5 strongly agree

Part I: Beliefs

_____1. It is better to give a little ground and protect the peace than to stand firm and provoke a fight.

_____2. Children need discipline that hurts a little so that they will remember the lesson later.

_____3. Children shouldn’t always get their way, but usually we ought to learn to listen to what they have to say.

_____4. The parent-child relationship is like a war in which if the parent wins, both sides win; but if the parent loses, both sides lose.

_____5. If parents provide a good environment, children will pretty much raise themselves.

_____6. The parent’s role is like that of a teacher who is preparing the child for a final exam called life.

_____7. Childhood is so short that parents should do everything to make it a happy time.

_____8. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is still the best policy.

_____9. Children need to learn what they may or may not do, but we don’t have to use punishment to teach.

_____10. Whether we like it or not, children have the last word about what they will or won’t do.

_____11. If you let children have pretty free rein, they will eventually learn from the consequences of their behavior what is appropriate.

_____12. Children first have to learn that the parent is boss.

_____13. Too many children today talk back to their parents when they should just quietly obey them.

_____14. If we want children to respect us, we must first treat them with respect.

_____15. You can never do too much for your child if it comes from genuine love.

Part II: Actions

_____16. I often have to call my child more than once to get her or him out of bed in the morning.

_____17. I have to constantly stay on top of my child to get things done.

_____18. When my child misbehaves, he or she usually knows what the consequences will be.

_____19. I often get angry and yell at my child.

_____20. I often feel that my child is taking advantage of my good nature.

_____21. We have discussed chores at our home and everybody takes part.

_____22. My child gets a spanking at least once a month.

_____23. My child has no regular chores around the home, but will occasionally pitch in when asked.

_____24. I usually give my child clear instructions as to how I want something done.

_____25. My child is finicky eater, so I have to try various combinations to make sure he or she gets the proper nutrition.

_____26. I don’t call my child names, and I don’t expect to be called names by my child.

_____27. I usually give my child choices between two appropriate alternatives rather than telling my child what to do.

_____28. I have to threaten my child with punishment at least once a week.

_____29. I wish my child wouldn’t interrupt my conversations so often.

_____30. My child usually gets up and ready without my help in the morning.

Now, to get your scores, add the numbers for each color.

Part I: Beliefs

Over-Controlling belief score:

RED = ________

Under-Controlling belief score:

GREEN = ________

Balanced belief score:

BLUE = ________

Part II: Actions

Over-Controlling action score:

RED = ________

Under-Controlling action score:

GREEN = ________

Balanced action score:

BLUE = ________

Now add your Belief score with your Action score, and the highest number indicates what type of parent your hero grew up with, or what type of parent your heroine is (or you are). Here's a picture I created to depict how the styles interact with each other. The darker gray rectangles (Avoiders and Power Patrols) are the more severe styles of Over and Under Controlling (scores are between 34-50) while the lighter gray rectangles represent the less severe Over and Under Controlling styles (scores between 0-33). Balanced, as indicated, falls in the middle. You're considered "Balanced" if your Balanced score is higher than the others.

I'll be delving in deeper into what kinds of people most likely fall into each category, their approaches to discipline, parental beliefs, view of negative emotions, and possible outcomes of their children (i.e., your hero or heroine!) when they grow up and strike out on their own. Stay tuned!

Q4U: Did your Belief and Action scores line up? Or did you find you're more one style in beliefs but don't act that style out?