T3: Age-Specific Indicators of Domestic Violence Exposure

Last week, we talked about general effects of domestic violence on children. Whether they are victims of actual physical abuse or not, just witnessing it can cause a lot of emotional damage.

This week, to conclude this sad-but-hopefully-informative series, I want to leave you with a few age-specific indicators so that when you're writing about a child whose parents fight a lot, you'll have a handy quick reference guide to know what types of things to be sure to include in your characterization of that child.

Without further ado:

Infants

• Eating/sleeping routines are disrupted
• Injuries while "caught in the crossfire"
• Continual crying or irritability
• Withdrawal and lack of responsiveness
• Developmental delays
• Diarrhea from upset stomach
• Frequently ill

Preschool

• Physical complaints, some of which are real, some aren't
• Acting younger than their age (regression)
• Irritable
• Separation anxiety in the extreme
• Developmental delays
• Sympathy toward the mother
• Fearful of being left alone

Elementary Age

• Swing from hostility to being eager to please
• Developmental delays
• Talk a lot about home life
• Reduced social skill development
• Externalized behavior issues (like hitting, pushing, choking, kicking)
• Not sure about male/female roles (may act like an aggressor or a victim)

Preadolescence

• Behavior problems become more serious (detention and suspension common)
• Increased depression/isolation/withdrawal
• Emotional difficulties, like shame, fear, confusion, rage
  
• Poor social skills
• Developmental delays
• Can swing between wanting to protect mom and seeing her as weak
• Guarded and secretive about family

Adolescence

• Behavioral problems can lend toward more antisocial behaviors: skipping school, drugs, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancy/sexual acting out, running away, suicidal thoughts/actions
• Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home
  

Children can work through the above problems with counseling in a supportive, trusting, safe environment. The earlier they seek help, the better their outcome as an adult. Just something to think about!

T3 - Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

If you have a character who has been abused in some way as a child, then you need to remember this sentence:

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop lasting social, emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems than children who are not.

I'd also remember this:

The longer the conflict goes on--and the more severe it gets--the more lasting the impact on the child.

Notice that I wrote "the impact" instead of "possible impact" or "potential impact." Research backs this statement up.

Children will live in fear when there is domestic violence going on in the home, whether that violence is ever directed at them or not. Witnessing the violence is just as harmful as being physically abused. Studies show that if a child lives in a violent home, they are more at risk for abuse and neglect.

What characteristics do you need to know about, then, to write about one of these children? I want to look at four categories that will help flesh out these poor, traumatized children very realistically in your novel.

Behavioral

• Acting out or withdrawing
• Being aggressive (younger kids) or passive-aggressive (older kids)
• Refusing to go to school
• Parentified behavior (acting like the parent; like a caretaker)
• Lying to avoid confrontation
• Getting very defensive if confronted
• Excessive attention seeking
• Bedwetting and nightmares
• Reduced academic performance (and intellectual capacity)
• Manipulating situations

Social

• Isolating from friends and family
• Stormy interpersonal relationships
• Difficulty trusting anyone (especially adults)
• Poor anger management
• Poor problem solving skills
• Excessive social involvement to avoid home
• Passivity with peers or the opposite, bullying
• Can exploit relationships as a perpetrator or be exploited as a victim
  

Physical

• Complaints of headaches/stomachaches/other somatic pains
• Nervousness
• Anxiousness
• Short attention span/difficulty concentrating
• Tired or lethargic
• Frequently ill
• Poor personal hygiene
• Developmental regression (like in potty training or thumb sucking)
• High risk play
  

Emotional

• Grief for family and personal losses
• Shame/guilt/self blame
• Conflicting emotions toward parents (love & disgust, to name a few) confuse them
• Fear of being abandoned
• Fear of expressing their emotions
• Fear of the unknown or sustaining a personal injury
  
• Lots and lots of anger
• Depression/feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness
• Embarrassment

The nice little flowchart above illustrates all these effects in a colorful graph. Click on it to enlarge.

Not all of you writers out there have a currently abused child in your book, but I bet several of you have heroes or heroines who were abused as children. Think about how the above indicators would manifest in an adult. What if they never got help when they were a child? What kind of wounds would this adult carry around with him or her? What might that look like?

Since this was more of a general overview, next Thursday, we'll look at more age-specific indicators of children exposed to domestic violence so that you'll have even more research to back up your writing. That will be my final post on this subject unless it comes up in a character assessment.

My anniversary is tomorrow...5 years! I might just have to whip up a post reflecting on the first 5 years. What a glorious ride. :)

T3 - Inside the Head of an Abuser

An abuser is someone who has a pattern of behavior with a significant other that is controlling, manipulative, threatening, demeaning, and intimidating. The key is that it's a pattern, not a one-time or ever-so-often event. At some point, everyone in their life might be insensitive and demonstrate some of the above-mentioned behaviors, but that might make their behavior abusive. It's the pattern of these behaviors that makes the individual abusive.

It's important to look at the motive behind the behaviors to determine who is truly an abuser. We all might display some controlling behaviors, but usually our motives are pure: to protect a child, prevent hurt feelings, etc. But an abuser's motive? Show their partner who rules the roost.

They make requests and suggestions that are much more than what is heard at surface level. Usually there is a threat underlying their words..."Do what I say...or else!" This makes the request more like a demand. The victim will understand that consequences will follow if the "request" isn't met. To the abuser, if it isn't met, the victim is actively defying them. The victim has two choices: either accommodate or frustrate the command...there is no in between. Disobeying them means they will face punishment.

An abuser has a sense of entitlement when the request is made. This sense of entitlement, perhaps more than anything else, drives the abusive mentality. It's a narcissistic trait, for sure. Narcissists think they deserve what they want, when they want, where they want it, and how they want. They don't think they should have to earn respect and compliance, and when they don't receive it, they think they are entitled to be enraged, which of course leads to abusive actions.

What's interesting in my study of the abusive personality is that abusers often think of themselves as the victim! They feel like they are being constantly inconvenienced, and because of this, they are quick to blame who they perceive to be inconveniencing them. From blame comes anger and rage. Then the abuser will rationalize their abusive actions. And this only gets worse with time. The threshold gets lower and lower for how much "defiance" or "inconvenience" they will take, until they will find anything to rage about. This is when the victim says they feel they are "walking on eggshells."

While abusers are not limited to men, it's more likely that they are abusers if for no other reason than their comparative physical size and strength advantage over women. Women abusers are more likely to emotionally abuse men. A lot of female-on-male abuse just doesn't get reported, perhaps because of the stigma associated with a male coming forward to say he is being abused.

Next week, I'll take a look at some of the characteristics of children who grow up in abusive families. Hopefully it'll give you some good material for your WIPs.

The above information was taken in part from the website of Steve Becker, LCSW.

T3 - Top 10 Reasons Why Characters Would Stay In Abusive Relationships

In order to create more realistic fiction scenarios involving abusive relationships, I had a request to delve a little deeper and give insight into the couple dynamic.

The following 10 reasons why people stay in abusive relationships will be in bold black, and the counter-argument that might be able to "break them free" from the abuse you inflict on them in your novel will be in bold red.

#1) Love. Probably one of the most often-cited reasons. They love the partner and experience times when their partner is loving toward them. It's also painful to admit that someone you love would hurt you, so due to the very real love the victim feels, they will downplay the abuse or convince themselves that it's really not that bad.

Just because you love someone doesn't make them healthy for you. Leaving a person won't shut off your feelings for them, but it will put the victim in a more rational position to look at the relationship for what/how it truly is.

#2) Hope. They have memories of happier times and want to hold on to optimism that those times will return. They might believe the "key" to their happiness lies in a simple change to be had by the abuser---that one day, he will keep to his promise to change or that if the victim just does something differently, the abuse will stop.

Since the victim isn't the one doing the abusive acts, there is nothing they can say or do to change their behavior to end the abuse. The abuser will promise to change in the honeymoon stage, but the only sure-fire way to end the abuse is to end the relationship.

#3) Self-Blame. The victim might begin to internalize the words from the abuser that it was "something they did to deserve the abuse." The partner can say it's the victim's fault, and the victim might actually start to believe it.

You can only control yourself, not the actions of others. There is nothing the victim can do that deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. The abuser is 100% at responsible for what they are doing.

#4) Shame. It might be too difficult or embarrassing to admit what's really going on to friends or family because you're afraid of what they will think about you. One big possibility that might taunt the victim is if they said, "I can't believe you were so desperate for love that you settled for that guy."

If you aren't the one doing the abuse, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. People who might say something similar to the above statement aren't educated about domestic violence. There are people out there who won't judge you.

#5) Comfort. Many people grow up with violence in their families of origin. If a child was ever hit and told by a parent that they did it because they love the child, then they could grow up to think and accept that love and violence together.

Physical abuse is not about love--it's about gaining power and control. There is nothing normal about violence accompanying love. Love is antithetical to power and control...it's patient, kind, not envious, boastful or proud. Love isn't rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. It doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, persevered. Love never fails.

#6) Hopelessness. The victim may feel that they'll never warrant a relationship where they are treated any better, especially if they have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. They are willing to settle for an abusive relationship than being alone. There is a certain amount of co-dependence in this viewpoint for sure.

There are more people in the world who don't abuse than who do. Respecting yourself enough to believe you are worthy of a relationship that doesn't harm you might require therapy. The fact is, victims are strong people who endure tremendous much.

#7) Fear. If the abuser has ever threatened to harm or kill someone the victim cares about if the victim leaves, then the victim will stay shackled in the relationship to protect those loved ones.

If threatened, it's important for a victim to have a safety plan in place that they can act on quickly. The plan needs to include "cues" that might serve as warning signs of impending abuse, what things have worked in the past to protect themselves, leading escalating arguments into designated more public places, phone numbers that can be called for assistance, names/numbers of people who are willing to help out if you turn to them, a code word used to let those people know you're in danger, an escape route to safe locations and/or medical care.

#8) Guilt. Abusers are very good at playing guilt trips, and will tell victims how much it would hurt them if the victim left. They often will tell the victim that they would commit suicide.

Guilt trips are just one way abusers try to manipulate victims. It wouldn't be the victim's fault of the abuser actually followed through with a suicide threat.

#9) Religion. Interesting, this one. A victim might feel a messiah complex of sorts and want to rescue, change, fix, heal, and save their partner through being loyal and staying with them. Many Christian women in abusive relationships will quote Scripture about how "God hates divorce" in order to justify staying with the abuser. If they married couple has children, they also become a reason to stay, the victim believing that the child will be better off with two parents instead of one.
Oooh. Tough one to combat! No amount of loyalty or understanding will change the partner. Besides, loyalty must be earned, and someone who is supposed to love you but abuses you instead has betrayed your trust. As for children, witnessing domestic violence is extremely psychologically damaging to a child. It's better for a child to live with one non-violent parent than with two parents in an abusive relationship. Who's to say the abuser won't turn on the child? Visitations can be set up for the child to interact with the abusive parent in a safe setting. If they are real sticklers on divorce, then you can say leaving a person to maintain safety doesn't necessitate a divorce.

#10) Isolation. Abusers will often isolate a victim to the point where they have no close connections with family or friends. If the victim should ever choose to leave, then they might feel they'd have nowhere to go but a shelter or on the run. Victims are frequently dependent financially on the abuser--the abuser makes sure of it, as this is yet another technique to isolate.

Friends and family will be more supportive than you think. Often they resent the abuser for cutting them off from the victim and would be more than happy to step in and offer support if called upon. They'll likely be relieved to be asked finally! There are also programs out there designed for people in abusive relationships to gain financial independence.

I hope this sheds some light into how you can make your characters who are abused be more realistic in their arguments to stay with the abuser. Next Thursday, I'll *try* to take you inside the head of an abuser. Not exactly fun stuff, but helpful in creating vivid, realistic characters!

T3 - The Cycle of Abuse

Many of our characters struggle with abusive relationships--either currently or in their past. I thought delving into the psychology behind abuse might be helpful for today's Therapeutic Thought.

Take a look at the diagram. The yellow Honeymoon Period and the red Tension Building Period are indicative of "normal" relationships. Most all husbands and wives (or partners or what have you) go through these two stages--swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

The Honeymoon Period is just like what it sounds like. All fun and games, gifts, flowers, promises, and apologies (especially after a Tension Building phase). But the Tension Building phase brings in the little criticisms, some yelling at each other, swearing, even. It's when anger sets up a tent in the living room and people can feel they are walking on eggshells in their own home.

Alternating between the two is considered normal, even healthy. A relationship isn't tested until it hits a few bumps in the road, and when the bonds hold, the relationship is that much stronger for it. While this isn't the best news for married people, it's great news for writers. Tension makes our stories unputdownable. (Yes, I know that's not a word.) All you women's fiction writers out there who like to focus on the married couple instead of the sexual-tension-dating-phase couple usually create something huge that happens between the husband and wife, upsetting the Honeymoon Period and beginning a page-turning story. Usually, this is infidelity, pornography, or drug addictions coming to light.

But for an abuser, they can't go back to the Honeymoon Period without complete the cycle and Exploding. The Tension Building phase gradually escalates to psychological abuse--also called "gaslighting" (where they play mind games on the victim and make them think they are going crazy). They will isolate the victim from all support systems (see diagram below), and drug/alcohol addictions add to the mix in a horrific manner.

The abuser's inability to manage their anger is so lacking that they spiral out of control, sometimes blacking out in rage and not being fully aware of what they do. They can attack someone else physically, emotionally or sexually. A lot of women get raped during this time. Burns, broken bones, stabbings, bruises...and so much more.

The abuser then slips into the charming, charismatic, loving partner they were in the beginning when things were so good. They apologize, give gifts, flowers, cry, and say "I'll never do it again." The victim, desperately wanting to believe they haven't fallen in love with a monster, believes them (or doesn't, even) and it starts all over again.

One thing I recently found out in a domestic violence training is that a battered woman typically tries to leave her partner EIGHT times before she successfully disentangles herself from the relationship. Eight times of trying to make it in a shelter or with a friend, trying to take children away from the home only to be brought back by some financial insecurity or emotional connection with the abuser that renders the woman powerless in the situation.

Abuse is rampant in the world, so it's little wonder it shows up in our fiction. Understanding the mindset of the abused is difficult, as we're on the outside, looking in. What we often don't realize is that the abused woman has been trained/brainwashed to not seek out help or attention, to blend in to the scenery by trying to hide/cover their bruises. They often get upset or agitated when someone asks a pointed question or probes too deeply. But deep down, they do want help--they are just scared to get it. It's such a psychology trap.

If you have any specific questions about this cycle, I'd be happy to field them in the comments section if I can.

Q4U: Have you ever tried to talk a woman out of an abusive relationship? What were her reasons for staying? How did that feel?