Dear Jeannie: Adult Bullies and Star-Crossed Relationships Types

Dear Jeannie,

I think I've raised a bully! Rian is a stubborn girl with an outlandish goal (of becoming a warrior among her people). When her parents sensibly downplayed this--or ignored it--she dug in her heels and lashed out against other children. Especially children who "got" the training she wanted. Even as she grows older and learns to curb some of her temper, she doesn't seem to care about others. Some consistent core adjectives are selfish, angry, argumentative, and violent. She's the oldest of several girls, and I have one sister and one friend willing fight against her, though her influence on the rest of her siblings is disruptive. But she resists change in herself as much as in her circumstances. Just because she has been mean during most of her childhood, that doesn't mean she has to stay this mean, does it? As a writer (using parents, teachers, friends, enemies, etc.), what can I do to end her bullying ways?
Frustrated in Finley


Dear Frustrated,

Children who've been deprived of what they wanted most in the world (whether through poverty, circumstance, etc) can often grow embittered toward those who have things handed to them on a silver platter. It's classic of the dichotomy between the haves and the have nots. She would need consistent encouragement and support toward meeting her dreams and validating her losses while playing up the blessings and strengths she does have in order to curb her bullying tendencies. Bullies don't always have to grow up to be adult bullies (though they can). She might always have a leaning toward a vice like passive-aggressiveness, for an example, but not outright meanness. One word of caution, though. You've portrayed her very negatively, and hopefully you've given her some redeeming qualities to go along with those horrid core values. And if you let the reader glimpse that she actually does care about people but wears a mask of disdain and indifference to cover up that vulnerability, then she'll be much more likable. Thanks for writing in!


Dear Jeannie,

Fiona is an organized, disciplined ENTJ who has been governing her family and managing politics behind her allies and enemies' backs for years. Her story starts when she is forced to marry the leader of the family responsible for her brother's death. This leader, Liam, is a loud, messy ESFP whose open-handed laissez-faire approach to his rule depends on the affection and good intentions of his people. Liam and Fiona don't hit it off, to say the least. There's a lot of room for conflict here, it seems, but where are they going to find common ground or mutual respect?? 

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

You have picked some polar opposite personalities, haven't you? But the good news is that there is truth to the old adage of opposites attract. They are both extroverted, which translates into them probably both having quite a few friends and extracurricular activities they enjoy, which would be their saving grace, at least in the beginning. It's helpful for them to see their own flaws that they bring to the table, such as Liam realizing he's not quite as organized or thoughtful as Fiona, and how her strengths (like planning ahead) might benefit him and his rule. Even if he doesn't see this himself, an interesting scene could be someone else singing her praises, which opens his eyes. Vice-versa for Fiona. And if Liam was not behind the hit on her brother or didn't approve of the way that went down, this would also aid in softening her (once she realizes it). Liam (as an F) would benefit from hearing praise from her, so if there was one thing she could begrudgingly admire and let him know, this would go a long way for him. Good luck with these two!

Got Questions?

Post your question anonymously below, using monikers like Sleepless in Seattle or Lost in LA. I'll post my answers in a future Dear Jeannie column.

Dear Jeannie: Overcoming Bullying and Teens in Therapy

Dear Jeannie,

What would be needed to overcome the consequences of almost a lifetime of being the victim of bullying (not the horrific kind, but ongoing "bitchery" and exclusion)? My 60+ MC can now take early retirement to escape from workplace bullying, and she plans to move to a new, larger city. However, "starting over" would probably be extremely difficult because of emotional baggage—low self esteem, general loss of confidence, shyness, and poor social skills. Also, she has absolutely no desire to talk to a therapist (due to a bad experience many years ago).

Budding Writer


Dear Budding Writer,

Your case is an interesting one, as your protag is 60+, not the typical age we think about when we conjure up images of bullying. But lets face it, older women can be catty. And no better place than at work to do so, it seems. So you're MC has been facing snotty looks, rude comments, and general bitchiness from her coworkers for years. Years. So don't underestimate the allure, the excitement, that she'd have at starting over...getting away from all that she's known, going someplace where she's unknown and has a clean slate. It'd be similar to bullies, unpopular high school teens breaking out of that mold when they go to college. Yes, her self-esteem is damaged, but she could flourish in the right environment, so take careful attention to where you end up placing her. Best of luck!


Dear Jeannie,

   My character is a teenager who sees a therapist because he's struggling with both the death of his sister and physical injuries from a car accident. He's been sabotaging his own recovery.
   How might a teenage boy act about seeing a therapist? I assume he'd be embarrassed at seeming weak. Grief over his sister and that he's not expected to fully recover physically so he's given up. Not sure what that would look like. At this point, it's been over a year but he just started seeing a therapist in her home (or is that only on TV?). I really don't know anything about therapy sessions, so any insight would be helpful.
Teen Trauma n' Drama


Dear Teen Trauma,

Therapists do see patients in their home. However, the ones that I know (i.e., the smart ones) always have a separate entrance/exit or a mother-in-law unit where they do the actual sessions, so that their home is separate from their office. How he would respond to therapy is entirely up to you. I've seen teen boys who had no issues at all walking in my office, and I've had some who would rather have tweezed their nose hairs. Either, or, some of one, some of the other...kinda depends on his personality. As to what goes on in therapy session, I did a post here on that subject. It should give you lots of ideas. If you are interested in the variety of grief reactions, I'd suggest you grab my Writer's Guide to Grief for $3. (sorry...shameless plug, but it truly does have all the info you need). Good luck to you!

GOT QUESTIONS?

Leave a comment below, Sleepless in Seattle-style, and I'll get to your questions in my next Dear Jeannie column. 

 

Treatment Tuesday - Good Kid Gone AWOL

This week's assessment comes courtesy of Vickie. She's writing about Brad*, a 15-year-old boy who is smart, but timid. His father recently died in Afghanistan, leaving his mother a widow and Brad a big brother to his sister still in grade school. He's been bullied for months at school, and the book opens with Brad stabbing the bully, as he feels that taking matters into his own hands would be the manly things to do. However, a teacher steps in to stop him and he reflexively slices her too. Turns out he cut his favorite teacher who has tried to help him the most. Crushed by guilt and fear, Brad runs.

With the bully in critical condition and the police out looking for him, Billy tries to communicate with his teacher through anonymous letters with no return address. The letters are quotes from passages he's read in novels...clues to what he's thinking and how he sees life. The teacher sees these letters as a cry for help and works with the police to try to find him and bring him back home.

Vickie wants to know: What's realistic for Billy's mindset through all this? What will he try to communicate through his letters? What kind of encouragement does he most need?  What would convince him to come back? How would the court system deal with him? What options would he have once he turned himself in? If and when she sees him again, what would be the best way for his teacher to react/respond to him?

Brad is a troubled teen, obviously, as the "normal" teenage brain doesn't conclude stabbing someone is the best defense against a bully. I mean, the first thing that came to mind when I read that was Dexter (the serial killer who works for the Miami Police Department as a blood spatter analyst -- love the show!). Dexter's dad prevented him from going after a high school bully with a knife during one of the many flashbacks during the first season.

At the very least, Brad has an Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct. The onset (start) would have been whenever the bully started bullying, because that would be the identified stressor. Brad's response of stabbing the bully is in marked excess to what would be expected of enduring the stressor of being bullied. Conduct Disorder, which is much more serious, can actually be ruled out due to Brad only having 2 of 3 needed criteria. Intermittent Explosive Disorder can also be ruled out, because it seems that this is the first and only time Brad has shown aggression.

If I had Brad in my office, I'd want to question him on his feelings about dad's death. he could be experiencing Bereavement, a clinical condition that can be the focus of treatment. It could be that he is experiencing "complicated bereavement" in the form of a delayed grief reaction. Since grief affects people in different ways, I'd want to explore if he thought he could be closer to his dad somehow by showing himself to be tougher or acting out of character in a more aggressive, I-can-take-care-of-myself-and-my-mom-and-sister kind of way. Adolescents are more likely to respond to grief with behaviors rather than emotions, and that might fit Brad's overreaction to the bullying to a "t."

On to the questions. As for Brad's mindset during his time on the run, if he's as smart as you say he is, my guess is that he's worried about the repercussions from stabbing the bully. He'd probably want to stick fairly close just to see if the bully dies in surgery or whatnot. He'd also want to make sure that the teacher's wound is physically taken care of, since she means so much to him. Since I don't know how he's handling his father's death, this may or may not factor in.

What would he communicate through the letters? This stumps me! I have no idea. This would depend on how close he and the teacher were, how much he trusted her not to reveal certain things to the police, whether he had ready access to books to pilfer these quotes from, or if he has certain sections memorized? And why would he communicate this way? It's like a code. (Just asking here, because I love the idea....but you'd need a solid reason. Would the teacher know the code? Like, would she recognize the book he's quoting from and realize that, say, it's location in the library would say something about where Brad is? Theorizing, here. And if that's the case, wouldn't she need to be his librarian or something?) There are just a lot of ways to go here!

As for encouragement, I'd think he'd want to know that no matter what happens to him legally and academically, he'd not be thought of less by this teacher who has been the only one to help him through his struggles. I imagine the guilt is overwhelming that he hurt her and betrayed her by not discussing things about this bully in more depth, as she probably had no idea he was about to go all Dexter on her. He's want to know that she forgave him, and only wants him to be safe...not running.

As to what would convince him to come back...perhaps if he felt he was needed, somehow? To play on the fact that his mother and sister really need him to come home, as they are having a terrible reaction to him being gone so soon after learning about his father's death? That would really lay it on thick in the guilt department, though, and he's already feeling a lot of that. It would depend on how much he felt like his presence at home was some sort of balm to his mother and sister in helping them get through the pain of his father's loss. You'd know if this was a big enough motivator for him to return, not me.

I have no idea how the courts would handle him....you'd have to ask a lawyer like Cara Putnam or Rick Aker. I've personally emailed them both various questions and gotten great feedback. I already mentioned above what would happen to him as far as school goes. My dad was an administrator at a high school, and I'm very confident that Brad would get expelled. I can't imagine that he'd only be suspended. My guess is that juvenile hall might come in there somewhere. You'll have ot research this further, as I can't be of much help.

And finally, how could the teacher respond to him if and when she sees him upon his return? She doesn't need to respond to him timidly, as if scared he might break out a knife and slice her again. Any trepidation on her part would set poor Brad back months. Open arms, Vickie. She'd need open arms. I tell this to parents whose children behave in awful ways: Your children might be disturbed, or might have made a terrible life decision that they will feel repercussions from for the rest of their life, but they are still your children. I guess the same could apply with a teacher/student relationship.

That's all I've got, Vickie.  I hope it helps out with your characterization. Thanks for writing in. Any additional questions for this character are welcomed below.

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Treatment Tuesday - From Bully to Protector

Airdale wrote in for an assessment on her military cadet, Kalish* who lives in her medieval fantasy pages as a 17-year-old who just finished the Academy portion of his training before he is delivered to an outpost in the wilderness where Sergeant Daniels* will supervise Kalish's 2 years of field internship. At the novel's beginning, Kalish is a bully and believes the world exists only to hurt him. By the novel's end, he needs to be "rehabbed" into a leader.

Kalish has a backstory that starts as him being a prank-loving 8-year old who, at 14, has a prank that goes terribly wrong. As an alternative to prison, the Academy Headmaster takes Kalish under his tutelage. The Headmaster really takes Kalish to task, beating him and locking him in his room. The Headmaster, who actually cares for him, believes this abuse is discipline. When in training, Kalish becomes savage, and by the time the novel begins, he wills tart a fight anytime someone looks at him the wrong way and won't stop until he causes injury.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

What Airdale wants to know is this: What can Daniels and Kalish's fellow cadets do help Kalish stop being a bully and become a protector and leader? What kind of milestones and lapses might happen along the way? What kind of situations could I create to help Kalish heal and grow?

With Kalish, I'd like to start at his childhood (of course!). The prankster and fun-loving child who makes a huge mistake. Since you didn't specify what went wrong, I can only imagine that Kalish would feel guilt, shame, and a hardening of his heart when he's sent to the Academy, knowing he was destined for prison if he didn't go. This might cause him to really resent the Academy, what it stands for, and what he's learning there. He might decide to beat those who beat him, so to speak. This would give him the motivation to be the best swordsman and best cadet he could be.

Being locked in his room during his formidable teenage years, when Kalish is developing a sense of who he is, and a sense of his self-worth, would be perhaps the most psychologically damaging. It would teach him that he can only depend on himself and trust no one. He'd likely develop the mentality that it's him against the world, since no one was really coming to his aide to stop the abuse (regardless of how much more it might be accepted in your story world). The one man that took him under his wing was also the same man whose hand brought pain. Pain done in the name of love is the most detrimental kind.

For him to want to channel his violent tendencies toward protection, you'll have the hard job of making him actually care about something. You don't want to protect something you don't care about, and if you do protect something you don't care about, then you do so begrudgingly. So what's out there in this wilderness to make him care? Is it incredibly dangerous so that he would care about his life? Is it home of native inhabitants, one of which might become a romantic interest? (Think Avatar here. Being immersed in a completely foreign culture makes a person put up guards initially, yes, but respect tears them down. Learning to respect others is key to not being a bully. This is a mode of treatment for preschool bullies, even.)

I suppose that you could pit him against another cadet in the wilderness who is a contender for the role as "top dog." Then perhaps Kalish might be more of a protector or defender since he's still got something to prove, so he'd recognize that the rules of engagement at the Academy have changed and now he's got to shift his focus from self to something else in order to prove he's the best. Just something to consider.

This Sergeant is going to have to have long-suffering and consistency in order to gain Kalish's respect. If the man didn't beat him or do some other degrading punishment, then I think Kalish would pay attention to him. After all, that's the only sort of discipline he's known. Something completely foreign to him would make him come up short. At the very first "challenge" or behavioral faux pas, have Sergeant show his displeasure drastically different from the Headmaster.

For Kalish to heal from his past and become a man of honor and a great leader, then the internal transformation will have to start small, like learning there are other ways to handle conflict, and then realizing those ways are actually better than his old ways. It would be helpful for him to see someone he's come to respect make a true sacrifice for what they believe in...perhaps even Daniels himself. You might not have planned to kill the Sergeant off in your book, but if Kalish comes to really respect him, looks up to him like a father, so to speak, then having Daniels die at the end, and sort of "pass the torch" on to Kalish would be a powerful motivator for Kalish to finally change his ways. To have someone on his death bed tell Kalish that they believe in him, trust him, would heal all sorts of hurts and wounds from his past. Kalish might very well move mountains not to let Daniels (or whoever) down posthumously. Just another plot twist to think about...one that would be very dramatic for the reader.

All young men--and women--just want to be believed in, to be affirmed and to be blessed by someone they love and care about. The Headmaster's ways weren't affirming, even though he might have cared for Kalish. Having a dying Daniels or someone else affirm Kalish not only because of his military prowess, but because of who he is, would be passing on to him the blessing that he's been denied ever since he played that prank that went horribly awry. He might be able to forgive himself for it, as well.

This assessment has been written a bit stream of consciousness, which I hope is still helpful. I found this was more difficult, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because of my association with the military (husband is 10 years in the Coast Guard) and having heard all the stories about boot camp, academy, etc...it's hard not to try to put this storyline into modern time for me. If someone was a bully in the military, not able to keep their fists to themselves, then they would just be kicked out. So in a fantasy world, you've got lots more to play with that could be feasible.

Please, leave any additional questions in the comment section. Maybe one of your questions will spur me to think of something else I might have forgot or missed.

Good luck with writing Kalish's emergence into a worthy man. :)

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.