A Lesson in Subtext...for Men

Below are nine words women use...and what they actually mean. You men out there will thank me. You women out there will have to pick yourself off the floor, b/c this is absolutely hysterical. And true!

(1) "Fine"  
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) "Five Minutes" 
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  (3) "Nothing"  
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  (4) "Go Ahead" 
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!!
(5) Loud Sigh 
This isn't actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)  
(6) "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) "Thanks"  
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) "Whatever"
Is a woman's way of saying...Go to the place where the sun don't shine...
  (9) "Don't worry about it, I got it" 
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I wish I could claim this as original to me, but alas, my dear father sent it to me in one of his many forwards. I scoured the internet and found many renderings, but no origin. If anyone knows, please let me know in the comment section.

Happy Monday!

Let's Analyze: Any other words or phrases we could add to the list for our menfolk to learn from?

Subtext Revisisted

In my research for my characterization book, I've come across another theory of what we writers call subtext. In transactional analysis, transactions between people can be one of 3 things:

1) Complementary (the ego state of one character talks to the same ego state in the other character)

2) Crossed (the ego state of one character is thwarted by a different ego state of another character)

3) Covert (SUBTEXT)

A covert transaction is when a person says one thing and means another. The transaction has a social (overt) and a psychological (covert) level. Here's an example of each:

SOCIAL:

Boss: "Let's work late, Ms. Parker, and I'll buy you dinner."

Secretary: "That's a good idea. We have a lot of work to do."

PSYCHOLOGICAL:

David: "I love your smile, Denise. Let's have dinner and drinks, and really get to know each other."

Denise: "I thought you'd never ask, David. I've wanted to go out with you for a long time." 

Basically, the social level is useless in determining what people are really going to do. David's mom would expect to reach him at the office in the evenings based on the social level of their conversation. But if she knew the psychological level of the relationship, she would know to call the local hotel if she wanted to reach her son. 

The reason we say one thing and mean another is because we are generally ashamed of our Child's wishes and desires. These are our immature impulses (in Freud's language, our Id). Nevertheless, we act on these desires while we pretend to be doing otherwise. David's transaction with Denise on the social level was very appropriate-sounding to others who might be listening in. But he was using his social conversation to mask his true Child's desire of wanting to date his secretary, who should be off-limits.

Other ways of socially trying to throw people off our true psychological desires are to use smiling sarcasm instead of directly expressing anger. Or to attack others instead of admitting our fears. These are all examples of covert transactions. 

In therapy, transactional analysts encourage people to be "straight" with one another and themselves about their wants and feelings, rather than covert. But then, if this happened in fiction, it would be most boring. :)

Let's analyze: Any other common examples of covert transactions you want to throw out there?