I recently found myself in this predicament, and short of all the cliches I could think of to describe it (e.g., the wool being thrown over my eyes, the rug being pulled out from under me, etc.), the experience itself was educational.
The wiser, more street-savvy me would tell the wide-eyed, innocent me I was a few months ago a few things, let me tell you. I guess I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kinda girl. I'm the same at home, at church, in my car, in front of children...in the mental health field, it's called congruence.
This is a sign of good mental health. (Aren't you glad to know I'm not loopy?) People who knew me in college would know me today. Don't get me wrong here--I've changed based on experience and education--but my core personality is the same.
What happens, though, when your personality is fractured? I'm not talking about Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). I'm talking about incongruence. Being different people depending on what environment you're in.
How hard that must be, trying to keep it all straight. Trying to keep the lives separate, the people from interacting, the secrets from coming out. How exhausting--mentally, physically, emotionally.
And the fall out is earth-shattering for those who knew only one side of the person. My world had been tipped on its axis. Nothing felt secure or safe anymore. I have constantly second-guessed my interactions with this person, and the extent to which I let them in my life, in my home, around my child.
I was so clueless.
And I'm still utterly enraged at this person.
Once the shock about and the denial of the other aspects of their personality, their other life, I went straight to anger...and I'm still there. Who did they think they are, anyway? Leading everyone down a merry path that was all a LIE.
Having this kind of experience has been depressing, yes, but it's also been instructional. I'm not going to say that I won't trust anyone anymore, but I'm going to take to heart the advice from Matthew 10:16. We are sheep amongst wolves, and we need to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves. To me, this means to have a little discernment.
Face value is sometimes just that...face value.
Let's Analyze
Have you ever had an experience like what I've just described? How did you deal with it? How long did it take you to accept the other "lives" of the person you knew? Do you know of any good books based on someone making a discovery like this?
Logging you in...
Ramona · 635 weeks ago
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
Lex Keating · 635 weeks ago
My junior year in high school, I had a best friend with a troubled family relationship move in with my family (there was a contract involving ongoing church counseling). Within a month, the blinders came off. (Sex, drugs, witchcraft, manipulation, etc.) She still lived with us for 6 months after that. The first four, I couldn't cry. At anything. It took a youth retreat and some intense prayer just to get my tear ducts working again. It was two years before I made another close friend. The "ex" has drifted in and out of my life since then, but I developed a surprising amount of emotional scar tissue that has made me fairly insulated. A lot of that was God, though. :)
I can't think of any books on the shelf about this off the top of my head. Which might be why it crops up in some of my works-in-progress...
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
Jodi Janz · 635 weeks ago
I recently went through one that was business related. Not as strong an attack against my heart as a friend, but still very unsettling.
I like what you said about the congruence and incongruence. I have never heard those terms before, but I know very well the definition. A dysfunctional home, abuse and painful relationship can make a person very ... fractured. I know. It is a life long struggle to find the "right"you and to be consistent - with God's help- in that place.
I hope you find peace.
Blessings,
Jodi
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
Alexandra · 635 weeks ago
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
Lucy · 635 weeks ago
"Splitting" can also involve huge amounts of rationalization. "This is alright because..." "I need to because..." "They wouldn't really want to know...." What they don't know won't hurt them...." "It's nobody's business if I..." etc. Essentially a person recognizes the need to conceal the unacceptable.
That said: people get hurt, as you've just experienced. I don't usually drag my writing into these conversations, but the book I'm revising and editing now is relevant in that a KGB officer--a master splitter, if you will--is faced with the pain he's caused in other lives, when it's almost too late to make amends--when all the while, he had believed he was doing the right things. (So, as you might guess, I have a lot of interest in what makes people behave this way.) :-)
I hope time will heal these wounds for you, and see you to a more comfortable place.
Best wishes,
Lucy
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
canyondan · 635 weeks ago
The "Serpents" are among us, they will say that they have given their life to Christ, only He will know and can forgive. For us mortals, it's best not to for get or for give, least we be bitten again.
I truly hope that your traumatic issue isn't to the scale of these innocent children.
Serpents do not lie in wait, they seek out the innocent, their movements are indefensible and their bite comes without warning.
The bite doesn't destroy us, but the reaction to it can.
jeanniecampbell 76p · 635 weeks ago
MSS · 635 weeks ago
JPG · 629 weeks ago
I myself have been adaptive to the situations and environments I surround myself with. I thought that was normal. And maybe I'm reading too much into what you said.
But there comes a point where somebody bends over too much. You don't recognize them in this other situation.
I recently felt betrayed myself. There was a split in a dear friend of mine, someone I was so sure was my best friend.
1. How he presented himself and how I saw him. I saw him as basically the second coming of Jesus. He presented himself as the best thing since sliced bread.
2. What he was. A boastful tall tale telling liar, and a diplomatic sack full of rhetoric that would put politicians to shame.
I'm still coping with the realization. Not sure if I handled this the best way, but I've cut off all contact, and the only regret is that it's hard to fill the space where "Jesus" did.
And before anyone asks, I'm agnostic, just using that analogy loosely.
jeanniecampbell 76p · 629 weeks ago
as someone who is not agnostic...i've come to the conclusion that no one should be "worshiped" except God...or your Higher Power...however you see that Entity.
thanks for coming by, JPG. I always appreciate comments.