T3 - Ambivalent Attachment

Since I'm still answering questions from the response section of this post, this week I'm tackling

TrophyofGrace's question about ambivalent attachment:

"I'd really like to understand more about ambivalent attachment in adults and the effects of relationships it can have and the symptoms, etc. How would you go about lessening ambivalent attachment?"

For those who don't know what attachment is, much less ambivalent attachment, I did a series of posts here on the different types of attachment. In short, attachment is a lasting psychological connection between human beings. We learn how to relate to others by how our parents related to us. There is a direct link between childhood attachment patterns, adult attachment styles, and functioning in intimate and romantic relationships.

Those who are ambivalently attached have relationships often characterized by anxiety and uncertainty. Because they have such a low opinion of themselves (that they are unworthy of love and unable to get they love they need without being angry and clingy), they can be excessively vigilant and jealous. The might always demand reassurance of faithfulness and end up scaring others away. It's a catch 22--they have a profound need for closeness but can't trust that their partner will be emotionally available.

So, as you can imagine, the effects on a relationship can be disastrous. When a partner doesn't feel trusted, it picks at the very foundation of a good relationship. Initially, the partner might just think, "Oh, she needs a bit more of my attention." But since he's into you, he'll go with it for a while....until it becomes over-the-top and, quite honestly, annoying. No one wants to keep reassuring their mate that they love them or find them attractive. I'm sure it would get old. Eventually the mate would likely become bitter about it, and arguments spring forth. The end is a short time away. And the ambivalently attached person seeks to do this all over again.

Lessening ambivalent attachment problems--or ANY attachment problem--will be easier with therapy. Trained professionals know how to dig in and treat the root cause of the attachment disorder. Here are two options besides seeking individual therapy:

1) Join a grief group.

Moving through the process of grieving childhood losses is important to feeling comfortable in our adult roles. Resolving old grief around how we were brought up will help us not to bring these unresolved feelings into our intimate relationships.

2) Undergo communication skills training.

You don't have to go to therapy for this one. This kind of training happens on the job, by picking up a self-help book, etc. But learning the basics of listening and talking can take a strained relationship and make it more successful. Learning the art of creating safe environments to discuss in, being attuned to the other's needs, learning empathy, understanding the difference between passive/aggressive/assertive communication styles, utilizing body language...all of these skills can help you talk better to your spouse or intimate partner.

I hope this helps with your writing, TrophyofGrace!