Friday Free Association Chain

The word is........

TABLE.

First commenter free associates with the above word. Second commenter takes the first commenter's word and free associates, and so on.

Remember -- FIRST thing that comes to mind. GO!!

T3 - Types of Grief, Part 4

This week will be the end of a 4-week series on the types of grief. We'll finish up with Absent grief, Delayed grief, and Inhibited grief.

(Part One on Uncomplicated, Anticipatory and Unanticipated grief can be accessed here. Part Two on Conflicted and Chronic grief can be accessed here. Part Three on Distorted and Disenfranchised grief can be accessed here.) 


Absent grief is what it sounds like: grief that hasn't shown up yet where you would expect it to. However, since grief can show up after the triggering event--sometimes years later--it's hard to determine. It could also be a period of no signs of grief after a major bereavement period where the grieving was "normal." Just all of a sudden they aren't grieving anymore.

It can often be mistaken for the first stage in the grieving process, which is usually shock. Shock is completely normal in a person experiencing grief, but if it goes on an overly long period of time, then absent grief might be at play.

Delayed grief is often used by people in survival mode. People in active combat military zones might delay grieving fallen comrades because they are too concerned about their own safety. Grieving spouses will often put off their grief for the sake of their children. Another example would be if someone were in a major accident where other people were killed, yet they needed intensive health care themselves and are unable to truly grieve while they wait on their physical healing. The person is in survival mode, and that's not a bad thing...but it can be.

Grief can be put off for so long that when it finally does see the light of day, the griever won't remember what their enormous grief reaction stems from. The reaction is over and above what would normally be expected of them due to something small that set them off - something not going right or a bad day. Out of proportion reactions can be a sign of delayed grief.

Inhibited grief is very similar to delayed grief, but it goes on for much longer, and as a result, expresses itself in much more serious ways when it finally does come to surface. It manifests itself physically in the person, usually through headaches, ulcers, migraines, stomach aches and a myriad of other health problems as the body tries to find some way of coping. Usually doctor's visits wind up inconclusive, or the diagnosis is that the ulcer is "stress-related." Doctors would be wise to ask about recent or not-so-recent loss in the patient's life, because grief doesn't take a rain check.

Next week we'll start another series on the facets of grief. How will this help authors? Your characters who experience loss on the page will need to have aspects of each of the dimensions to make their grief as realistic as possible. Stay tuned!

Q4U: Any of you writers out there have a character or two who might have physical symptoms that could be explained by delayed or inhibited grief?

**If you are in need of a Beta reader, Erica from Hypothetically Speaking is hosting a Beta Party Blogfest for that very purpose! Check it out here."**

Technique Toolbox - "Trashie"

 "Trashie" Technique

Credited to: 101 Favorite Play Therapy Techniques

For use with: Individual therapy with children with behavioral/emotional problems, family therapy with child and parents present.

What you will need:

small trash can with swinging lid (can be found at Dollar Tree for $1)
8 1/2x11 paper cut into fourths
crayons/markers

What you do:

Whether in an individual or family session, the therapist hands out usually 3-4 squares of blank white paper, already pre-cut, to everyone present. With the trashcan placed in the middle of the table, the therapist introduces "Trashie." (Trashie was so named because a client of mine decided that was to be the trashcan's name....and it stuck. My Trashie doesn't have a cute little face like the ones pictures here.) The therapist can say that Trashie only "eats" pictures of things that make the child (or family) sad, mad, frustrated, disappointed, etc. Trashie will eat any negative emotion.

Have the child or parents draw pictures then utilizing markers, crayons, etc, and then take turns explaining each other's pictures before "feeding" them to Trashie. For younger kids, I usually make a show about Trashie eating the pictures, complete with snarls and growls and burps of contentment. I explain to parents prior to the session starting that I want them to focus on an aspect of the client's behavior that is troublesome, and then I'll process with the child about hearing their parent discuss as aspect of their behavior that makes the parent sad, mad, etc. Then we discuss how it felt to "feed" Trashie those negative emotions.

Purpose:

Trashie is essentially a ritualistic creative activity designed to free the child from negative emotions that might play continuously in his or her head. It's also a safe place for parents of children with problematic behaviors to open up in front of their children to talk about how the behaviors make them feel. Since this is done process-style, not favoring one person over another, children are not as threatened by receiving the information this way than they would be if the therapist were just to have the parent tell the child outright how their behavior makes them feel.

It's therapeutic for the child (and parents) to crumple their drawing up and stuff it in the trashcan, as well. Symbolic of releasing that emotion or letting Trashie deal with it instead. With older children, I'll remove the top of the trashcan and see if they can make the paper ball shot from further and further distances. Remember, therapy is supposed to be just as fun as it is serious at times!

Shoot me an email if you ever decide to use this technique in a book. It's one of my favorites!

*** "Trashie" is not copyrighted by Jeannie Campbell, but you better not use it.***

Treatment Tuesday - From Anger to Amoré

This week's assessment comes from Julie*. She writes Regency era romance with suspenseful elements. Lady Margaret,* is the 21-year-old eldest daughter of an earl who bled to death after getting a branch caught in leg after an accident he suffered while horseback riding with Margaret. Since the hero was the one who removed the branch from her father's thigh, she blames him for her father's death. Margaret also lost three siblings to smallpox three years before her father's death. Her mother and her go through the mourning process and after a while her mother grows interested in another man, but Margaret can't accept this. She's stuck in her complicated grief, depressed (but not major depression), and angry because she has no control over anything and has experienced so much loss. She also didn't get to attend her coming out in London.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional and not-so-fictional.

Julie wants to know: What obstacles do you see her having to overcome in order to fall in love? What would this look like?

Margaret's biggest obstacle will likely be her guilt over what she sees as her part in her father's death. If they hadn't been out riding, then he wouldn't have had the accident and bled to death. How she comes to terms with the guilt and grief will determine when she will be open to love or not.

People who are so guilty and torn over something they feel they did or did not do rarely see themselves as worthy of happiness or love. They might think they have nothing to recommend them, or that something good shouldn't come their way. Low self-esteem would be the modern term for this, and when you consider the tragic origin of her feelings, it more than makes sense.

So how to overcome her guilt in the pages of the novel? One way would be for the burgeoning medical hero to acknowledge something he might could have done differently...or more education or training he might could have had...that would have given her father a different outcome. Perhaps her mother tells her that her father knew he had a blood disorder but took no precautions against it (the equivalent of taking blood thinner or coagulator for that day in time). Maybe she discovers that her father's saddle was tampered with or something.

Finding a way for someone else to show her undeserved grace would make for an interesting subplot, parallel to the main character arc for Margaret. If she could get a glimpse of God's forgiveness, it might could make a difference for her to accept something freely given though thoroughly undeserved. John wrote in 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." And what is guilt if it's not fear? Fear of punishment, for sure, but also fear of being found lacking, of not measuring up.

I imagine her mother's infatuation with another man will be hard to overcome, as well. If her mother and father were in love when her father died, the amount of time you allow to pass before the mother becomes interested in someone else will make a big difference on how jaded Margaret's opinion about love might be. If her mother moves right to another man, then Margaret might conclude that true love doesn't exist, for how could it if her mother could so easily dismiss it and move on? An early infatuation might undermine her parents' role model of love for Margaret, so that's something to think about as far as a time line goes.

Another major obstacle she would have in accepting the love of the hero would be her belief that he definitely had a hand in her father's death. I imagine she pretty much has nothing but disdain--if not hate--for the man initially. But maybe she sees the hero taking such strides to learn from his mistakes (if there were any) and wanting to overcome his lack of skills because he saw what it did to her. I think it would go a long way if she were to learn that her grief was his impetus to be a better, more skillful doctor.

Thanks for writing in, Julie. I wish you the absolute best with this novel! Let me know when it hits the shelves. If you have anymore questions or want clarification, feel free to use the comment section below.

Blessings!

Character Stereotypes: The Do-Gooder

Do-gooders, also called Goody Two-Shoes, are the people who make everyone else look bad. They turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, raise the bar, and set the standard high.


But Why? What motivates them? What's the payoff?



Aside from the general, run-of-the-mill do-gooders who are generous because it’s in their nature, there are three sub-stereotypes do-gooders. Let’s examine each type by delving further into what motivates each and how writers can crossbreed them to spice things up.

1) Doormat

Motivation: to please people

Common Specimen: the already overworked congregation member who just can’t say no when the Educational Minister is short a Sunday school teacher.

Description: Doormats are the most common form of do-gooders in Christian fiction. They generally have low self-esteem and believe that by doing what everyone asks of them, they will up their estimation in the eyes of others. Perhaps they grew up with the idea that if they could just be who people wanted them to be—instead of who they really are—they would find love and acceptance.

How to Crossbreed: Changing the doormat’s payoff will be the best way to alter this stereotype, because you can’t change the people-pleasing motivation and keep the person a doormat. For example, a doormat do-gooder could simply be covering as a doormat for a self-serving reason, like wanting to ingratiate themselves into a small town for political aspirations or real estate reasons.

Click here to read the rest of my article in this month's Christian Fiction Online Magazine.

And the Winner Is....

My review copy of Trish Perry's new release, The Perfect Blend, has found a new home! Karen K is the lucky winner! Karen, I've already emailed you to get your snail mail addy. :0)


And as my dear blogging buddy Cindy suggested, I'll start posting the first and last word of each Friday Free Association Chain!


Start Word: LONG                        End Word: TIME


Which actually makes sense, right? :0)

Friday Free Association Chain

The word is........

L   O   N   G

First commenter free associates with the above word. Second commenter takes the first commenter's word and free associates, and so on.

Remember -- FIRST thing that comes to mind. GO!!


Oh! Michelle Sutton started a blog for her new series, Healing Hearts. I wrote a short blog post about my experiences with Michelle's books, and think you'll find them as healing as I did. Check it out here!