Pick My Brain Without Writing In!

Here's your chance! Ever so often, I open my blog up to ask my readers what issues they want addressed for my Thursday Therapeutic Thoughts (T3). I'm in between series right now, and would love to make my blog as relevant as possible for you.

So send me your questions! No character sketches needed. Just leave a specific or general question in the comment section and I'll cover them in the order in which I receive them.

T3: Age-Specific Indicators of Domestic Violence Exposure

Last week, we talked about general effects of domestic violence on children. Whether they are victims of actual physical abuse or not, just witnessing it can cause a lot of emotional damage.

This week, to conclude this sad-but-hopefully-informative series, I want to leave you with a few age-specific indicators so that when you're writing about a child whose parents fight a lot, you'll have a handy quick reference guide to know what types of things to be sure to include in your characterization of that child.

Without further ado:

Infants

• Eating/sleeping routines are disrupted
• Injuries while "caught in the crossfire"
• Continual crying or irritability
• Withdrawal and lack of responsiveness
• Developmental delays
• Diarrhea from upset stomach
• Frequently ill

Preschool

• Physical complaints, some of which are real, some aren't
• Acting younger than their age (regression)
• Irritable
• Separation anxiety in the extreme
• Developmental delays
• Sympathy toward the mother
• Fearful of being left alone

Elementary Age

• Swing from hostility to being eager to please
• Developmental delays
• Talk a lot about home life
• Reduced social skill development
• Externalized behavior issues (like hitting, pushing, choking, kicking)
• Not sure about male/female roles (may act like an aggressor or a victim)

Preadolescence

• Behavior problems become more serious (detention and suspension common)
• Increased depression/isolation/withdrawal
• Emotional difficulties, like shame, fear, confusion, rage
  
• Poor social skills
• Developmental delays
• Can swing between wanting to protect mom and seeing her as weak
• Guarded and secretive about family

Adolescence

• Behavioral problems can lend toward more antisocial behaviors: skipping school, drugs, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancy/sexual acting out, running away, suicidal thoughts/actions
• Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home
  

Children can work through the above problems with counseling in a supportive, trusting, safe environment. The earlier they seek help, the better their outcome as an adult. Just something to think about!

Treatment Tuesday - A Daughter of the King

This week's assessment comes from Vickie. She's written in a doozie of a backstory for her heroine, Shelly.* Shelly was a ward of the state before she was 2, and at 4, she was placed with a young couple who started the adoption process. She was inundated with attention and fine things, only to be sent back into the system a few months later when the couple discovers they are expecting their own biological child. Shelly is then placed with a much older couple, who go the distance and adopt Shelly, but they are distantly related to the younger couple, which puts her in occasional contact with them.

At five years old, Shelly communicates little, sucks her thumb, occasionally wets the bed, and is later discovered to have some minor learning disabilities. Her adoptive parents never waver in their expressions of love and determination to help her through whatever she faces, but Shelly never quite believes she belongs, never quits waiting for rejection. She grows into a remarkably beautiful young woman with an artist's eye, but her inability to believe in her own worth keeps her from realizing her full potential in school, in her career, or in her relationships. At twenty-five, she attempts suicide.

*Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

Vickie wants to know: Would her childhood problems be consistent with the circumstances? What would convince Shelby that she's truly a daughter of the King? What would it take for her to believe in her worth as God's child and begin to enjoy the abundant life he has waiting for her?

Sounds like you've definitely built up some circumstances in her life that would lead to her inability to see herself as worthy of love. It would be consistent for her to take this feeling of inferiority, of never measuring up, with her through life on many different planes, as you've indicated with school, career, and relationships.

When people have low self-esteem (which is essentially what you're describing), it can take many different forms. Yes, in the extreme sense, it can lead to suicidal ideation (thoughts) and suicide attempts or completions. When people don't feel they have a reason for living, that nothing they do will amount to anything, these types of feelings can persist and become a driving force.

One sure thing to help her esteem dive to the depths (enough to consider suicide) is if the child of the younger couple is somehow around and she would be comparing herself to this child (who would be almost 5 years younger than her, I realize, but in her mind, Shelly would think she was given up for that child--whoever you might consider making them be and how involved in the fringes of Shelly's life you might want them to be. Just something to consider. That would be really powerful, I think.

What I didn't see in your character sketch is any reason, aside from a mention of faith, why she would see herself as something worthy. The faith element alone might not be enough (I know--*gasp*). I think that if you really built her art into some sustaining force in her life--like if she's not painting, she's contemplating ending it all--then turn it from something she does to heal inwardly and give it some outward value, then you could easily write in some little thread of hope for her (aside from the faith component).

It's hard to explain to people who never have seen someone on the brink of committing suicide...but telling them that Christ is bigger than what they're going through just doesn't always work. It's not to say that I don't believe that all things are possible with Christ, but just that the person suffering might not believe that. You want to be realistic, and they are so low, so turned in on themselves, that that concept sometimes isn't feasible. You didn't mention if Shelly was a Christian, and I didn't take it to mean she wasn't a Christian when she attempted suicide because lots of Christians reach the end of their rope and think suicide is a viable option. Sometimes, a person needs some tangible reason to stay--even a very small thread can be significant.

What came to my mind was maybe some public relations or human resources man from a home for the elderly sees her paintings (not sure how, but you could figure that out) and wants to have Shelly paint more to decorate all the rooms in the home to bring brightness and cheer to them. You could throw in a lot of symbolism about how bright she chooses to paint, but yet how dark she sees her life. The painting itself could just open some doors for her...to slowly start to see worth in her talent, if nothing else. Painting could be the avenue for her to eventually see herself as God sees her....maybe a poignant scene where she paints over a "ruined" canvas...I just see lots of room for symbolism of you go this route, but you maybe thinking I'm totally off, which is okay!

I also think giving her a mentor...like someone from the elderly home she might meet when she agrees to go to a presentation for the press or something. This person would have a history of rejection--perhaps by her very family, as many elderly might feel that way when they are put in a home by family members unable or *unwilling* to care for them. But the difference will be her countenance, her attitude, her smiles. This is where the faith element will bring your story the most bang for your reading buck. Faith in action, right? Let Shelly see someone worse than she is not just eeking out an existence, but reaching out and accepting the inheritance of being a child of a King.

Hopefully this gives you some fodder to go deeper with Shelly's plot. My usual disclaimer always applies....if I misread your sketch, then please feel free to email me or shoot me some comments below. I want these assessments to be as helpful as possible!

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

Today, I'm blogging over at Inkwell Inspirations about author aliases: to have or not to have! I'm hoping it'll be a lively discussion, so be sure to get your two cents in!

Michelle Sutton's Never Without Hope Review

Edgy inspirational author Michelle Sutton's latest book release features some incredibly hot and sexy scenes....just not between a wife and her husband.

Here's a blurb about the book:

Hope believes she is above sexual temptation; that she would never break that commandment like her husband's previous wives had done. After all, she is a good Christian and a loving mother. She has no reason to stray . . . until her husband starts neglecting her needs and things begin to look hopeless. Though she clearly communicates her pain to her husband, he refuses to get help. She starts to wonder…Will she never have sex with her husband again? She soon learns that she, too, is capable of such betrayal when she succumbs to the unthinkable.

Under normal circumstances, I don't buy books about a woman cheating on her husband. I've rejected well-known authors simply because I didn't want to "go there" in a book. The reason I bought Michelle's is simple: she reviewed my Genesis submission and I felt like the least I could do was buy her book and write a review.

Then I started reading it. I was sucked in immediately. I thought of all the people I have counseled and am currently counseling who have been led into adultery. How the other man/woman suddenly becomes a fixation...like an addiction. The heady sensation of losing yourself to something you know is wrong, but which feels so good (at least in the moment).

I was glad Michelle went the extra mile and demonstrated how sex is an emotional connection to someone else. It would have been easy to leave that part out (and no doubt easier to get this puppy published), but I'm so glad she didn't. I've counseled so many women whose guilt overwhelms them....because even though they know what they did was wrong, they still have an emotional connection to the person they cheated on their spouse with. Yes, even love them.

I also appreciated Michelle showing how a man's problem with erectile dysfunction can lead to significant problems in marriage when pride is allowed to run rampant. I just sighed when I read the parts with Hope's husband because it was so true to real life. Men don't want to admit they "have a problem," and many are willing to let their wives' sexual needs go unmet rather than seek medical attention for such a taboo subject.

Michelle portrayed Hope's son a little bit more together than I would have thought he'd be, given the traumatic circumstances and his age, but I really liked how she had Hope view her sin through her son's eyes. Hope realizes how far-reaching the impact of her adultery could have on her son if her family doesn't form a cohesive unit again, and she agonizes over what she does to the point of suicidal ideation, (which is also realistic).

Really, this is an incredible book that I'd recommend to any woman (Christian or not) in my practice who has had an adulterous encounter or is considering one. I think Michelle's book lays it out in pretty stark terms what can happen to a marriage, even one with Christ in it. I'm looking forward to the next book in this series already. Their Separate Ways will explore how both Hope and her lover, Tony, experience the aftereffects of their sin in both their marriages. I'm sure it'll go on my "keeper" Kindle shelf. :)

Right now, you can buy a hard copy of Michelle's book directly from her and she'll autograph it, throw in a couple of bookmarks, and send it to you with free shipping if you order before June 15th. Just contact her directly from her website or blog. You can also buy Never Without Hope on Amazon. Really....you don't want to miss out on this book.

5 Years Ago Today...

In honor of my 5th wedding anniversary,

the following haikus are for my husband.
Allan, I love you more than ever.

MORE

Anniversary.
Has it really been five years?
More love and laughter.

From husband and wife
To a family of three.
More joy and diapers.

Five houses, six moves,
Cross-country travels three times.
More boxes of junk.

Ten years of service,
A proud US Coastguardsman.
More school years to go.

Fishing and camping,
"Fun" in sub-zero climates.
More hobbies for you.

Licensed therapist,
Three non-profit agencies.
More money at last.

Writing and reading,
A new book or blog posting.
More platform building.

We've gone from plenty
To absolutely nothing.
More strength in our bond.

We'll never forget
Crying to the Lord for help.
More faith, assurance.

Each smile and caress
Conveys the depth of our love.
More praise to heaven.

I can't wait for more.
The next five or fifty-five.
More complete with you.

Here's for many more years of happiness, babe.

T3 - Effect of Domestic Violence on Children

If you have a character who has been abused in some way as a child, then you need to remember this sentence:

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop lasting social, emotional, psychological, and behavioral problems than children who are not.

I'd also remember this:

The longer the conflict goes on--and the more severe it gets--the more lasting the impact on the child.

Notice that I wrote "the impact" instead of "possible impact" or "potential impact." Research backs this statement up.

Children will live in fear when there is domestic violence going on in the home, whether that violence is ever directed at them or not. Witnessing the violence is just as harmful as being physically abused. Studies show that if a child lives in a violent home, they are more at risk for abuse and neglect.

What characteristics do you need to know about, then, to write about one of these children? I want to look at four categories that will help flesh out these poor, traumatized children very realistically in your novel.

Behavioral

• Acting out or withdrawing
• Being aggressive (younger kids) or passive-aggressive (older kids)
• Refusing to go to school
• Parentified behavior (acting like the parent; like a caretaker)
• Lying to avoid confrontation
• Getting very defensive if confronted
• Excessive attention seeking
• Bedwetting and nightmares
• Reduced academic performance (and intellectual capacity)
• Manipulating situations

Social

• Isolating from friends and family
• Stormy interpersonal relationships
• Difficulty trusting anyone (especially adults)
• Poor anger management
• Poor problem solving skills
• Excessive social involvement to avoid home
• Passivity with peers or the opposite, bullying
• Can exploit relationships as a perpetrator or be exploited as a victim
  

Physical

• Complaints of headaches/stomachaches/other somatic pains
• Nervousness
• Anxiousness
• Short attention span/difficulty concentrating
• Tired or lethargic
• Frequently ill
• Poor personal hygiene
• Developmental regression (like in potty training or thumb sucking)
• High risk play
  

Emotional

• Grief for family and personal losses
• Shame/guilt/self blame
• Conflicting emotions toward parents (love & disgust, to name a few) confuse them
• Fear of being abandoned
• Fear of expressing their emotions
• Fear of the unknown or sustaining a personal injury
  
• Lots and lots of anger
• Depression/feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness
• Embarrassment

The nice little flowchart above illustrates all these effects in a colorful graph. Click on it to enlarge.

Not all of you writers out there have a currently abused child in your book, but I bet several of you have heroes or heroines who were abused as children. Think about how the above indicators would manifest in an adult. What if they never got help when they were a child? What kind of wounds would this adult carry around with him or her? What might that look like?

Since this was more of a general overview, next Thursday, we'll look at more age-specific indicators of children exposed to domestic violence so that you'll have even more research to back up your writing. That will be my final post on this subject unless it comes up in a character assessment.

My anniversary is tomorrow...5 years! I might just have to whip up a post reflecting on the first 5 years. What a glorious ride. :)

Treatment Tuesday - Using Enneagrams

This week's assessment comes from Betty, who is writing an inspirational romance. She has been using the Enneagram personality typing for her characters and has a Type One heroine (The Reformer) and a Type Eight (for now) hero (The Challenger). She's wondering how a One and an Eight are going to get along.

Betty wrote, "It would seem that they share some values and could work well together in the social-justice arena, but I'm not sure how those types would be in the love department. I can certainly see conflict (mandatory for the story), and some certainly attraction, but how would/could you see them getting together? Or would they?"


So, first off, the Enneagram (pronounced any-a-gram) system is a really quite remarkable personality system. The symbol itself, depending on where you look, can be traced back to the time of Pythagorus or back to ancient Middle Eastern spiritual traditions. "Ennea" is Greek for "9" and "gram" means "drawing.

If your heroine is a Type One, she's a social reformer for sure. She advocates for change, wants to better the world, and her sense of right from wrong is strong. She's probably a tad obsessive-compulsive when it comes to being organized and scheduled. This perfectionism streak can cause some problems in her life, though, and lend itself to a heightened critical and judgmental nature. Type Ones are typically smart, realistic, practical, and have high standards, but can be resentful and impatient.

Type Eights want to be in control of their environment. They can be confrontational with ease, and even intimidating (so a police officer would fit nicely). They want to protect, be resourceful doing so, and are quick to make decisions. They don't talk in circles, present as very strong, assertive and self-confident. They don't ever want to appear vulnerable. They are called Challengers because they enjoy taking on a challenge. They are usually charismatic and able to persuade others to follow them through thick and thin. They can be so industrious with work that they lose emotional contact with people.

As to whether there can be attraction between these two....you betcha. In droves. To quote one source, "Ones can find Eights exciting, physical, and earthy--all the things that they restrain in themselves. ...Eights recognize that Ones are as strong-willed and determined as they are: they cannot easily sway or bowl over Ones. Eights thus admire their conviction and are attracted to the challenge of getting closer to Ones."

They both clearly will share some of the same values, but will just take different means to achieve similar ends. They both want truth and justice in the world, and both are action-oriented to support whatever they believe is right. They'd both sacrifice a lot for their beliefs.

But this wouldn't be a common romantic pairing at all (but that doesn't mean it can't work). I'll give a few tips to make sure it does. :) Most of the tension in their relationship would come from the Type One getting uneasy with the Type Eight if the One sees the Eight pushing too far in the pursuit of self-interest. A One will deny herself in the extreme if something doesn't line up to their moral convictions, and even though they may admire the "go-getter" nature of the Eight, it could be a turn-off if too extreme. Once the One begins to see the Eight as selfish or insensitive, that would be the kiss of death in the relationship from her standpoint.

On the other hand, Eights are likely to see Ones as morally judgmental. Besides that, they might think they are hypocrites who talk the talk publicly, but don't walk the walk privately. They might think of a One as self-righteous, rigid, and unrealistic about how the world should operate. An Eight can even try to goad a One, provoking them with outrageous actions to get a rise out of them. This can often turn into extremely personal attacks, and at the worse, violence.

My advice to you is to be careful in how you portray your leading characters. Your hero doesn't need to be one of those guys who is always losing his head about him. He also doesn't need to show the heroine a selfish side of him. If the heroine always perceives the hero to be acting out of selfless motives (no matter how contrary his actions would feel to her), then there's hope for the relationship to last. You just can't be with someone you don't respect.

I'd also make sure that your heroine isn't one of those morally judgmental people. If you do have her being a bit judgmental, then have her get over that as you move her through her character arc, helping her see people and all their flaws (including her own) through a heavenly lens. She might struggle a bit with the spiritual side of things, as spirituality can't be hedged in the rational way she might like. (Sometimes having faith can seem like a most irrational thing...and this wouldn't sit well with her.) She'll want to be absolutely perfect all the time, and God wouldn't have much room to work with someone that perfect, you know?

I think I'll stop here, as I could go on forever, I'm afraid. The best source I found for Enneagram information was the Enneagram Institute. I'd canvass the site and really camp out there for a while. Amazing what all you can get on each type for free.

Any questions are welcome, of course! Good luck, and thanks for writing in!

If you missed my review of Amanda Flower's Maid of Murder cozy mystery, click here to read it! Her utterly fantastic debut releases today!