T3 - "Avoider" Parenting Style

This weeks marks the turn from looking at "Over-Controlling" parents to "Under-Controlling" parents. Also called permissive parents, these parents are the polar opposite of their imbalanced counterparts.

As you can see from the diagram, there are two types of Under-Controllers, the Avoider being the most severe (thus at the bottom on the scale) and the Over-Indulger. Though these parents aren't harsh or critical, that doesn't mean there aren't drawbacks associated with each style.

(For a peek at the Power Patrols, click here. For Micromanagers, click here. If you missed taking the quiz to determine what style parent your character is or has, click here.)

Avoiders are the type parent that doesn't do enough for their child. These are the parents who aren't physically or emotionally available for their child, and probably the parents Child Welfare gets calls on for being neglectful. They don't supervise their child, teach their child, discipline or even set limits for their child, and they certainly don't bother with correcting their child. That's just it...they don't want to be bothered with their child. Eventually one might wonder why an Avoider even had a child in the first place, as they are clearly a nuisance.

Avoiders are more than likely going to be your sanguine Otters. (Click here for more info on Otter personality types.) They are easy-going, friendly and engaging. They avoid responsibility and commitments, though, because they like to just laze around. They have a hard time following through, and will break promises at the last minute (yes, to their children, too).

What do Avoiders believe? The believe that their children will eventually "get" what's expected of them just from trial and error. They'll learn not to mix colors when washing their clothes on their own...after that first batch of pink t-shirts come out. They also believe that children shouldn't inconvenience parents.

How does an Avoider discipline? To say that they don't would be accurate. To them, a child's negative behavior will just magically go away if they ignore it or pretend the child just doesn't exist. They have a hands-off approach to parenting. A child can run wild as long as the parent isn't inconvenienced.

If a child grows up with an Avoider for a parent, there are some potentially bad long-term effects. Does your hero or heroine have any of the following tendencies?

1) Tendency to be impulsive.

Children of Avoiders are left alone so much of the time that, being left to their own devices, they often default to being bored. This boredom can lead to poor decision-making. Since their parents never took the time to really explain the reasoning behind why not to do something, these children don't learn from their mistakes.

2) Poor sense of self-worth.

How would you feel if your parents never really took time to be with you? That you weren't worth their time or effort. This would lend itself to probably the biggest personal challenge to overcome in adulthood.

3) Tendency to deny responsibility.

These children pick up on how their parents do things, and eventually, denying responsibility for the things in their lives will become like second nature to them. It's what mom and dad always did, so why wouldn't it work for them? They'll make excuses for their inaction or irresponsibility, and you might frequently hear from them that "I'm too busy," or "I don't feel like it."

4) Bent toward sloppiness.

Let's face it...if your parents aren't on your case to clean your room, make your bed, and fold the towels, you probably won't. A lifetime of not being made to do anything makes it difficult to go into adulthood where expectations are made. What would happen if you had a child of an Avoider who never does dishes marry a neat freak? Yikes! (But good to think about for your WIP as far as tension!)

5) Reckless seeking of attention.

Since I mentioned in #2 that these children are most likely going to have low self-worth, I thought I'd mention a consequence that would come as a result of that, and that's seeking attention any way you can find it. For girls, the consequences of this might be far more dangerous, but both men and women can get in "trouble" when they are looking for it. This kind of goes along with #1 in that they make make impulsive decisions, but attention from any corner is better than no attention at all.

These are just some considerations for your manuscripts. These behaviors and habits wold be great vices for your characters to overcome. Keep in mind that when working in generalities, some stereotype descriptions/outcomes might be prevalent.

Q4U: Any of you have a character with a parent who really didn't want anything to do with them? How did you portray that character? Seeking attention? Irresponsible? Impulsive? Or something else? Please share!

Treatment Tuesday - Teen Bonds with Lasting Impact

Today's assessment is for Raquel. She's writing a contemporary romantic suspense about Rainey* a woman with a traumatic past. Beaten and abandoned at a bus station at 8, she awakes from a coma with amnesia. She enters the foster care system and is disappointed by an almost-adoption before going into a locked-down high school where she truly doesn't belong and gets picked on. But one troubled boy, Tate*, befriends and her protects her in the tough school, actually killing one of Rainey's bullies in self-defense, which brings about their separation when Tate leaves the school.

6 years later, she's handing out blankets to the homeless at the start of the book and encounters a hurt man in an alley. She discovers that it's Tate, and she gets him to the hospital. Turns out Tate's a Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) agent working a case in San Diego, where she lives. Eventually they work on a case together because the drug ring he's after is operating through free clinics like the one Rainey runs for runaways.

Through her clinic being burned down by a thug, the DEA wanting her to help Tate with a sting, and being abducted by gang members, Rainey questions her faith and her purpose. She's not sure if God has abandoned her or if she's supposed to be reaching out to the hurt and lost on the streets.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

Raquel wants to know: How would Rainey react to a returning love interest? How would the increasing danger and trouble affect her since she'd been in a similar situation as a kid? Would her faith be renewed...would she become bitter? Would she be reactive, or proactive? Would she be whole, or still be searching for the parents that hurt and abandoned her? Would that still be a major issue with her?

I think you are definitely asking the right questions to get to the inner workings of Rainey's psyche. I'd say you're on a roll, actually.

Many people come from a past far more tragic than Rainey's. Her background, while sad and definitely dreadful, wouldn't be enough to hold a strong-willed woman back. She could have all sorts of diagnoses from the events of her past, most likely post-traumatic stress disorder. She could also have an Acute Stress Disorder (which usually only lasts a few days...click on it to read more) from any of the things you mention happen to her 6 years later, like getting abducted by gang members.

You've written in a "returning love interest," and that makes things interesting. The bonds and attachments we form in high school are perhaps some of the strongest in our memory. Especially the bonds that ended abruptly and left little closure. We can probably all recall a painful breakup with someone we thought we were "in love" with and find ourselves wondering where that person is now.

Tate represents that sort of bond for Rainey. Him showing back up is going to be pretty huge for her, especially if you don't have her already attached to some other guy. They'll be drawn to each other, the bond will be tentative at first, as if remembering the painful separation, but eventually, they'll slip back into the comfort of having known each other so well. That attachment can strengthen Rainey as she goes through all these calamities, since she'll be going through it "with" Tate (and likely, as a direct result of her even knowing Tate). That's really going to seal that bond.

I think if you play up the intense emotional whirlwind Tate's cropping up will put her through, I think you can get away with her moving from one misfortune to the other without being the shell-shocked victim. People react differently when they're in love. They can scale mountains, fight bad guys, put on a brave front...you name it. Case in point:

In the movie M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, Ivy Walker is in love with Lucius Hunt. So when he's stabbed, she sets out through Covington Woods to go get medicines for him from the towns. What happens to this blind girl with love on her side? Her escorts bail on her, she nearly falls into a mud pit, her cape made of the safe color yellow is now completely brown, she is chased by one of the Those We Don't Speak Of creatures, manages to kill it by sidestepping just in time for it to careen to the mud pit, then she runs headfirst into a fence that she then proceeds to climb...blind, I might reiterate...to get to a road where she encounters a man she doesn't know who thinks she's a little loco, gets the medicine, and then is on her merry little way like, "Oh, all in a day's work." But Ivy Walker pre-Lucius would have scoffed at setting one toe into Covington Woods.

So, even if you don't want the love interest to blossom too soon, the reader will follow along (in my humble opinion) if you give them enough sizzling expectation before all the stuff starts really happening. Don't underestimate Rainey's desire to help Tate with his job. Perhaps you'll need to up the stakes for Tate so that ups the stakes for him wanting Rainey to help. Maybe he needs to be up for promotion, or the drug ring has something to do with one of his own family members. I think Rainey would give life and limb to help him (after the initial awkward phase of "why did you leave me to deal with the fall-out of you murdering that boy all alone?" of course)...because Tate gave the same thing to help her so many years ago.

Which brings me to that event when she was in high school. You wrote that Tate killed the boy in self-defense. What if it was in defense of Rainey? Perhaps that's what you were implying, but I took it as the other boy came at Tate instead of Tate really saving Rainey from harm's way. But if you make the backstory more involved, that would increase Rainey's feelings of needing to repay the one act of kindness she was really shown her whole life. I think she'd be proactive for sure if this was the case, not reactive. Make sense?

You make the call on the parent issue. She was beaten and abandoned, and you said she didn't remember where she was or who she was, even. So you can make that a major side story for her (because it would be), or leave it alone if you feel you've got enough going on in the book. I don't think a reader would question her not trying to search for her parents. After all...look what they did to her. Maybe she'll visit the woman's grave who almost adopted her a few times, grieving for the lost family she could have had.

If you go this route, I'd think Rainey would be a very lonely young woman, maybe not depressed, but searching. Maybe she throws herself into the dangerous street work because she doesn't have anything to lose...not even a cat or goldfish. She could even be reckless at times, going where others don't dare go (maybe that's where she finds Tate). She doesn't have anything grounding her, holding her back. But Tate could change all that.

About her faith...that's so individual, it's a hard call. Some people are strengthened and upheld in their faith through trials. Others are brought low, and need assistance to set themselves upright again. The answer for this question might be found in Tate. Do you plan on him being a Christian? Saved from his wayward youth? Or is he bitter and disgruntled, maybe poking fun at her wavering faith? I think these questions will help you consider how to handle her faith response to all the crises.

Long, I know, but hopefully this has given you something to chew on. It was a rather complex (but intriguing!) situation you set up, with multiple questions that I did my best to touch on all of them. If I missed some burning question, or a new one cropped up, drop me a comment in the section comment and I'll do what I can to help. Thanks for writing in!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Q4U: Do you ever struggle between making a character devout in their faith or struggling? What pushes you over the edge to decide on either path?

Jennifer AlLee's The Pastor's Wife

Jennifer AlLee's newest page turner, The Pastor's Wife, released in February 2010. I had the privilege of receiving an advanced ebook copy courtesy of Jen to read and review.

Here's a bit about the book from Jen's website:

Maura Sullivan thought she knew what she was getting into when she married soon-to-be pastor Nick Shepherd. But when “the other woman” in her marriage turned out to be her husband's congregation, she ran. Six years later, she’s back in the small community of Granger, Ohio, for the reading of a will that names both her and Nick as beneficiaries. Now Maura must face the husband – and the congregation – she left behind.

Loved, loved, loved this book...and I'll tell you why. Jen shows how important communication really is. (And the biggest reasons why people get divorced really are sex, money, and communication.)

Married people can look at the same event so differently, and this book points that out beautifully. As a therapist who deals with couples who are contemplating separation or divorce, I could see how Jen's book could be such a ray of hope for them, especially if they know the Lord. God calls out to people, if they keep their hearts open to listening to him. Even insurmountable obstacles, from heavy inner secrets to heavy outward responsibilities, can be overcome.

One of my favorite passages Jen wrote from Maura's point of view. Maura's recalling how her husband had been a recipient of the "laying on of hands" that some churches do as a visible sign of approval and acceptance to a new minister. (My church does this when a new minister is ordained.) In the lives of most people, ordination is such a blessing, seen as a positive career step and even viewed by some as a watershed moment. But for Maura...so not the case. Instead of seeing the hands as bestowing blessing, she saw them as reaching out and pulling him away from her. Wouldn't Nick have been surprised to know that?

Which leads to my conclusion. Communication is key for couples at all stages in their marriage. Keeping secrets, harboring grudges, and letting things "slide" unattended doesn't do anyone any favors. In fact, it only instills bitterness in the secret-keeper and grudge-holder. Jennifer shows how healing true, unadulterated communication can be.

Marriage is tough. Being married and being in the ministry can be even tougher. I'd recommend this book to all couples, but especially those in the ministry who have to face additional challenges unique to them. Pastors, while put on pedestals by congregation members, face the same troubles everyone does. Thanks for shedding light on these situations, Jen.

If you know a couple in the ministry who might be facing similar struggles, get them this book as a favor to them to show how much you care. You can find it at Amazon, Christianbook.com, and Cokesbury.

You can also find Jen at her website, personal blog, group blog, twitter, and facebook.

Faerie Drawing of ME!

Y'all aren't gonna believe this! I was sketched into a faerie today by the most extraordinarily talented Elizabeth Meuller! This made my day! Check out this picture she drew of me!



I've never looked better! :) Check out her blog if you get a chance. Thanks, Elizabeth!

T3 - "Micromanager" Parenting Style

We're continuing with the "Over-Controlling" parents, and the less severe form of that style that I like to call Micromanagers. (For a glimpse into Power Patrol parents, click here. If you missed taking the quiz to determine what style parent your character is or has, click here.)

The Micromanager isn't quite as dogmatic as the Power Patrol, but they are still over-controlling. The people who fit into this style most likely are going to be your Beavers. (Click here for a detailed description of them.) In short, they are orderly, structured people who make the best Parent-Teacher Association members and church committee chairmen. They are respected by others due to everything they can get done, which makes them push harder to do more. This drive and self-discipline is also expected of their children.

What does a Micromanager believe? They believe that they have to monitor their children constantly to prevent bad behavior. They also believe that children are an extension of themselves, rather than their own entity. This belief can manifest into these parents believing that the child's behavior is a reflection on them as parents. So if a child acts badly, then they think this reflects on them as a poor parent, and vice versa when the child acts good.

A Micromanager listens to their child, but while they do so, they often judge the child's feelings as being right or wrong. Being concerned with opinions of others, they will often try to fit the child's feelings or thoughts into the mold of what they as the parent believe the child should think or feel.

How does a Micromanager discipline? A Micromanager is just that: one who micromanages everything their children do. We're talking about above and beyond the appropriate interest in their children's activities, as as an extension, above and beyond into the child's identity. These parents, being the Beavers they are, take responsibility of supervising their child's activities and then try to improve their child with rewards and incentives. They are proud to have "good" children and are quick to nag, lecture, criticize, and give guilt trips when the child doesn't act the way they want them to. Their ultimate phrase is to tell the child "I'm disappointed in you."

If your hero or heroine had this type of parent growing up, how might she or he end up as an adult? Here are some likely possibilities:

1) Lack of preparedness for the real world.

These children are the ones that never miss a choir rehearsal or forget to turn in homework or arrive late to a doctor's appointment. They are well-mannered and neatly dressed--but only because their parents make sure of it. When it comes time for them to do it on their own, watch out! They aren't ready and often times bellyflop their first semester in college. (These are the kids whose mother shows up at the university to help them fill out papers for their academic advisor and direct them to what classes they will take. You know the type...those who can't let go.)

2) Harbor feelings of resentment.

If your parent has unrealistic expectations of you and makes sure you know how often you miss the mark, don't you think you would, too? These children can be angry, bitter, frustrated, and discouraged. Their internal mantra is "I'm not good enough," or "I never quite measuring up."

3) Big-time people pleasers.

A person can only take disappointing someone so much. And these children use up that quota fast because of their parents. So they take to bending over backwards to please everyone else so they don't have to feel that horrid feeling of not passing muster. They want others to like them so much that they will inhibit their individuality and creativity to fit someone else's mold, which is ironic, since this is ultimately what their parents did to them growing up.

4) Lack self-motivation.

These children have been rewarded with external motivators all their life, whether it was in the form of verbal praise or money or cars for making the grade or what. So when they are put into the work force where the only real motivator is a check they will need every penny of to pay rent, life gets more difficult. They don't want to do a job well done just for the intrinsic satisfaction of having a great work ethic. They want more.

5) Tendency to be rebellious.

Micromanagers have difficulty letting go. Let's face it: a mom who follows her 18-year-old to college has issues. As a result, these teens are resentful of the intrusion (and rightly so), so they spread their wings and rebel just to prove they can't be controlled. The tighter the parent holds on, the greater the rebellion can be.

6) Lean towards being perfectionist...dangerously so.

Like parent, like child. These children can be obsessive over-achievers just like their Beaver parents. After all, they've spent 18 years trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. They will practically kills themselves (and some actually succeed) to try to prove their worth.

Of course, there is always the possibility that a child who grew up with parents like these won't have any of these issues, but I would think that would be a high improbability. They can be well-adjusted, but still carry some residual issues from childhood. Just think about it.

Q4U: Any Micromanager characters out there? If so, what issues did you give them in your novels?



* A lot of the information in this series will be derived from Jody Johnston Powel's book, The Parent's Toolshop. Quite a bit is also from my own clinical experiences and opinions.*

Treatment Tuesday - Hero or Hoser?

For the first time, I've had a repeat write-in! Laura, who had her first assessment here, wrote in again to get additional feedback on her hero's backstory. Laura's hero is the son of a drug trafficker and the boyfriend of a girl whose father is a politician actively campaigning for stricter drug laws. (Talk about a great juxtaposition!) The hero discovers that his father's wealth has all been gained illegally, but worse than that, association with the hero could bring down the heroine and her entire family, probably ruining her career and her father's. Motivated by this urge to protect his love from this type of exposure, the hero decides he must walk away from the relationship. He reasons that if they stayed together to "weather the storm," so to speak, than the stress and resentment would eventually become to much for the heroine and she'd leave him. He tells her that he's too young to be tied down and goes abroad, out of her life, with a heavy heart.

Laura wants to know: Is this credible? Is the hero's fear of ruining/harming his girlfriend's life compelling enough to make him walk away from her? Is there anything I can add/change to make the hero's reactions and beliefs more credible? The whole story hinges on this, so I need to get it right before I start actually writing!

I'm glad you wrote back in, Laura, because I think your questions are dead accurate. If you don't establish why he left the heroine back when he was 18, then at best, you're reader won't care about their history and at best, your reader won't like him.

Let's piece together a little of the flesh surrounding the bones of your plot.

The way it's written now, your your hero will be larger than life in that he is willing to risk losing happiness with the girl he loves to ensure that she stays happy (i.e., doesn't face social and economical ruin). He's relatable in that this theory is flawed from the get go. When he whisks off, leaving her behind, this is bound to bring her considerable unhappiness and heartbreak.

That doesn't mean his reason for leaving is flawed. Or is it?

Let's take a look at two possible reasons why he would leave, one of which I theorized based on something you wrote above in your sketch.

1) He leaves her for purely selfless motives. (HERO) He genuinely doesn't want to cause her any pain, and figures it would be best to leave before the engagement is announced and the paparazzi descend to start digging into his background. He didn't want his father's association to taint her life, end her career or jeopardize the work her father is doing against drug lords.

2) He leaves her for purely selfish motives. (HOSER: click here for Urban Dictionary definition if you are unfamiliar.) You wrote, "He reasons that if they stayed together to "weather the storm," so to speak, than the stress and resentment would eventually become to much for the heroine and she'd leave him." Could it be that the hero didn't want to abandoned? I mean, his dad had already "abandoned" him by choosing a life of crime and having to go to jail. You didn't mention his mom or any siblings, but just what if he leaves her because he wants to have a little control over the situation and never feel as powerless or helpless as he did when his dad "left?"

I'd think about option #2. It would make sense. Nobody would blame him, yet it's still inherently flawed. And it would give him quite the character arc to come to terms with trusting someone with no proof but their word that they won't leave.

You can up the believability factor for either option, of course. For option #1, maybe he selflessly leaves her because he saw what happened to his best friend's high-profile mom when her association with a less-than-savory person from her past comes to light...and how it ripped up the family and ended up moving his friend across the country as his mother sought to get away from the media. I mean, this could happen in any political arena...and with his dad's connections, it's not unlikely that the hero would have friends in high places.

For option #2, maybe he had a bad relationship prior (less likely, since he's only 18). But what about if his mother left when he was younger? Or his pastor got transferred? Or someone else died who he really looked up to? Maybe his dad's betrayal was the last straw as the world he thought he knew so much about crumbles around his ankles. He decides then to break free--and only tells himself it was all for her good to make himself feel better about the truth: he left because he was scared she'd leave him if she knew about his dad. That somehow his association would crime and drug trafficking through his father would make her love him less or lose her respect, so instead of bearing the premature brunt of her hostility, he saves himself.

If you go with option #2, he could still leave her with a heavy heart, but maybe it would be a mix of sadness and relief. Relief that he extracted himself from the relationship before she had a chance to do so. Sadness that he really did love her, but tempered with the idea that he's better off. He could tell her he's too young to be tied down, and actually reason that excuse away in his head and doing her a favor.

People are so complex...just about any way you write it would be feasible, but I think you can play around with it to give it more psychological impact and power. That's essentially all I've done here, but boy, is that fun. I love brainstorming!

Leave questions in the comment section if you have any. I'd be happy to try to help out more.

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist@hotmail.com.

Q4U: Any of your characters ever ran off from the best thing that ever happened to them because they were too scared?

Articles Published This Month

New articles published this month:

Christian Fiction Online Magazine Column on The Therapist's "Bible"

SAGE Girl's Ministry Online column on Holy Emotion.