Thin Places Winners!

The winners of Mary DeMuth's Thin Places are.....[drumroll]....

lgrace2 and babylukesmom! Neither of you left your email, so hopefully you'll see you won on this post and leave a comment with your email!

If I haven't heard from one or both of you by Monday, I'll draw again.

Thanks for entering, everyone!

T3 - Multiple Personality...Types

I wanted to do a follow-up post on personality type combinations. I found a better online version of Florence Littauer's Personality Plus (wouldn't you know I found it after this series), and you can take it here. Even if you did take the test earlier, TAKE THIS ONE. It'll make the rest of what I'm about to type make sense.

Even given the 10 percent margin of error inherent in these types of tests (the word you picked to describe yourself is based on your perception of yourself, not fact), your score should indicate that one type is your dominant type. Usually, you'll have another type that comes in second, called your secondary type.

You can have a strong dominance of one type over the secondary, or almost equal scores in two types. Either way, there are some "natural" combinations that occur at birth that I've listed below.

Otter/Lion
Lion/Beaver
Golden Retriever/Otter
Beaver/Golden Retriever

The reason for this type of pairing is that the strengths of one are usually the weaknesses in another. A normal, "healthy" pattern is characterized by balancing scores of strengths and weaknesses in any single type (i.e., you're not going to have every strength of an Otter without a healthy dose of Otter weaknesses, as well).

The following two combinations are what Florence Littauer calls "unnatural combinations."

Otter/Beaver
Lion/Golden Retriever

These are sometimes seen quite frequently, but Littauer claims they aren't inborn in a person, and after a bit of research, I believe she's right, as well. She believes the combinations to be evidence of one of two things: 1) a "misunderstanding" about what some of the words might actually mean that were selected as representative of the person or 2) a "personality mask," because the traits in the above combinations are diametrically opposed to one another.

Before I get into what a mask is, I want those of you who might have one of these combinations to go back and take the test again, this time using one or all of the methods below:

1) Use a dictionary to make sure you know what the words mean
2) Select words that represent who you truly are, not who you want to be (for example, if you have learned a behavior--say, spontaneity or being scheduled--that doesn't come naturally for you, don't check that description). Another way of thinking about this is to select which word describes you as a child, not an adult.
3) Go back over the word groupings--if you had a difficult time choosing just one, check both. If nothing sounds appropriate, skip that question.

If after taking this test, you still have one of the "unnatural" combinations, then it might be the result of a personality mask. Masks are indicative of outside forces working on our lives that try to tell us what we should be, or how we change to conform to what we think someone else wants us to be. A mask could also be developed in childhood as the result of trying to survive a difficult or dysfunctional family living situation.

Some situations that might cause masking:

1) A domineering parent or a controlling spouse
2) An alcoholic parent
3) Being rejected by one/both parent(s) in childhood or by a spouse in adulthood
4) Emotional/physical/sexual abuse
5) Single parent home
6) Legalistic religious home
7) Birth order (firstborns in particular are subjected to zealous parents)

(I can give particulars on any of the above if anyone of you would like examples. Just email me or ask in the comments.)

Now, there are occasions when a person scores the same in three categories or four. When this happens, the best thing to do is to have someone who knows you very well to objectively look at the test for you. You might find that you're not exactly who you think you are, or that you've covered up your natural inclinations so much that you don't know who you are. (When my husband took the test "for" me, I tested high Beaver. When I took it myself, I was high Lion. Just interesting how his perception of me was a bit different than my perception of me.)

I hope that you've enjoyed this series as much as I have. Personality types are a great way to understand yourself, your loved ones, and your CHARACTERS.

Q4U: What have you learned--if anything--from this series? Anything take you by surprise?

The drawing is still going on for both copies of Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places. Scroll to yesterday's post to leave a comment to be entered!

Mary DeMuth's Thin Places - Review and Double Give Away

I was blessed enough to be on the influencer list for Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places. I got the book late, due to unforeseen postal difficulties (which happens when you move cross country twice in a year), and was afraid I wouldn't get my review in on her blog tour week. Boy, did I underestimate how gripping this memoir is.

While I appreciate the bravery and candidness Mary wrote from her own place of brokenness and redemption--it truly is a beautiful book--the thing I loved best about it was that it caused me to stop and contemplate my own thin places.

Mary calls a thin place, "[T]hose times where the division between this world and the eternal fades; they are snatches of holy ground, tucked into the corners of our world, where we might just catch a glimpse of eternity."

As a therapist, I was determined to read the book to see how it might benefit one of my clients, perhaps ones who had experienced sexual abuse, a fatherless childhood, or feelings of rejection. What I didn't expect was to read the book and come away praising the Lord for my own painful experiences in childhood or adolescence.

Women (or men) reading this book will identify with several of the experiences Mary had. Most of us remember our first dance, our first kiss, our keen desire to fit in outmatched only by our foolishness in trying to accomplish the deed. After reading each chapter, Mary would comment on where she is today with regard to how the Lord has brought redemption in her life at each thin place. As a result, I found myself doing the same.

There were many experience Mary had that I could not share, but millions of others can. These were pages that I could only read with my hand to my mouth, a tear in my eye. God's ways are unfathomable. He used a young girl's early entry into the adult world of sexuality, pornography, and divorce to bring hope and healing almost forty years later as she wields her words in a powerful healing arc over others.

If you'd like to be entered in a chance to win one of two copies of Mary's book, just leave a comment below. Winner will be drawn and announced over the weekend. You don't want to miss out on this memoir!

Mary, thanks for being the instrument to bring restoration to others and myself. I'll never look back on my own thin places with more regret than gratitude.

Treatment Tuesday - Opposites Attract...BEWARE!

This week's assessment comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. It's great timing that I can feature it this week, as it's right in line with the personality type series I'm doing! (Access the personality type overview here.)

Anonymous wrote in with a simple question: What personality types generally attract each other?

What a fitting question with Valentine's Day just around the corner. *sigh* If only there was a simple answer. Since people are so varied in what attracts them, it would stand to reason that there isn't a formula to spout for what type attracts what type.

We base who we find attractive on several factors: looks, age, race, religion, educational level, geographic location, social class, familial obligations, and financial status. With these components, the old adage "like is attracted to like," comes into play. We generally want to be with someone around the same age, who adheres to the same faith or lack thereof, who comes from our ethnic and cultural background because they are more likely to be like us, and who lives in the same area, as that is infinitely preferable.

But all those things can attract on an outward level. Once a person finds out that someone makes over $100,000 a year, or that they are a Christian, or that they hold a PhD in physics, or that they have the right social connections, then they decide to move forward with getting to know the person. At that point, personality becomes a factor, and this is when the old adage, "opposites attract," comes more into play. Indeed, people who are the exact same on more complex personality tests (like Myers-Briggs) are highly unlikely to marry each other.

In general, we are attracted to people who have strengths where we have weaknesses. For example, a Beaver, who is so meticulous and detailed, might fall for a Lion, someone who sees the big picture. Or a outgoing Otter might be attracted to an loyal, introverted Golden Retriever. It's exciting to reconcile differences...encountering someone just like ourselves would be boring.

Once two people pair off, then what commonly happens is a "honeymoon" period. Your mate can do no wrong during this time (or at least you can't see the flaws as readily). But inherent in the very idea of opposites attracting is opposition. Eventually, the opposition becomes greater and greater and you'll find yourself trying to change them to conform to your personality. This is called the Pygmalion Project.

Depending on which resource you read, Pygmalion was a Cyprian artist who, upon not finding a woman to be his equal, began to create a sculpture. He worked long and hard to make the statue perfect, and when he was done, he fell in love with it. According to legend, Aphrodite took pity on him and brought the statue to life. Pygmalion and Galatea were married and had a child.

Of course, the analogy today is that people try to change their mates/spouses to be who they want them to be. Even good marriages have this as an irritant, but it's also a huge factor is break-ups and divorces. It's something we've all tried (if not with a mate, than with a child). This really does great damage to the relationship. It tells the other person that they aren't enough just as they are. Of course, our mates also try to conform on their own, in a way to please us. But this is when we look at our relationship in a few months or years and wonder where the zzzzzzing went.

What's the solution? Recognize our impulse to change the other person, and hold our tongues in favor of remembering what attracted us to them in the first place. The more conformation our mate makes in our direction, the less exciting things will be.

So how's that for a roundabout answer to your question, Anonymous? Hope that this gives you--and all my readers--something to chew on.

Q4U: How many of you married/hooked up with someone who is your opposite? Did you try to change them?

Come back tomorrow for a special Wednesday book review and giveaway of Mary DeMuth's memoir, Thin Places!

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

T3 - Lion/Choleric Personality Type

We're in our fourth and final week of looking at personality types! We've covered the Golden Retriever/Phlegmatic type here, the Beaver/Melancholic type here, and the Otter/Sanguine type here. You can still pop over to take the tests recommended by the Character Therapist here.

For all you Lions out there, I imagine you were ticked that Lions weren't the first type discussed 3 weeks ago!(As a Lion, I know that usually, Lions expect to go first.) So fear not...you Lions out there haven't been forgotten or left out. :)

THE GOOD

Choleric Lions are your born leaders. They are dynamic, active, strong-willed and decisive. They are self-sufficient, independent, persistent, exude confidence and can run anything. They have a compulsive need for change and if they see an injustice, they must right the wrong. Lions are usually bold, self-reliant, enterprising, competitive, and they welcome challenges. They are goal-oriented and goal-driven.

At work, they are your problem-solvers. They're motto is "Let's do it now!" They will sign up for anything that will lead to advancement: difficult assignments, challenging directives. They are straight shooters, getting to the point and being very direct. A Lion likely pursued their education with vigor and was a top student. They are great organizers, delegators, and move quickly to action. They can stimulate activity where there was none, thrive on opposition, and make their goals by seeking practical solutions. Their approach to teamwork really is just to take charge. Their leadership style is more autocratic and they prefer a hierarchy of management (with them on top). They release stress by doing something physical, and emotional stress will always drive them to a high-impact activity to recover.

As far as friends go, they can excel in emergencies, keeping their head about them. Their usually driven by rationality, not emotionality, so this helps them do this. They lead and organize group outings and like nobody's business. They are usually extroverted, so making friends can come fairly easily (but sometimes not! See below). They can make a quick decision when a group is stalemated about what to do.

Spiritually, they can motivate the body of Christ to accomplish great feats. Far away trips to distant lands are no problem. Annual church homecoming picnic, no big deal. Head of the committee or chair of the deacons? Covered with time to spare. Lions can make fantastic Marthas.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD

Lions can be controlling, argumentative, and dictatorial. They often are opinionated, arrogant and unsympathetic to the plight of the "little people." They're touchy and severe, impatient, pushy, and harsh. They can be a bit egocentric and won't even give up when they know they are losing. Their self-sufficiency can come on too strong. They can be inflexible, unable to relax, and quick-tempered. They aren't known for being complimentary, but instead controversial.

At work, Lions are not only often the "boss," but they are often bossy and aggressive. They'll try to take charge in other people's affairs. Since they're so focused on the goal, they can step on people to reach it. It's this insensitivity--this rudeness or tactlessness--that can leave a trail of hurt feelings behind them. They have little compassion on or tolerance for mistakes and can be difficult to please. They are bored by trivia and don't analyze details, so they may make rash, impetuous decisions. They can be manipulative to achieve their goals, but the end justifies the means as far as a choleric person is concerned.

Lions are uncomfortable with the expression of emotions. They see emotions as obstacles (getting in the way of the almighty task). So managing friendships can be difficult at times. Insensitivity at work bleeds into their friendships, as does dominating others and deciding for them. When things don't go their way, Lions can literally blow their top in a fit of anger, especially when personal goals aren't met. They think they know everything, and usually are right, but this doesn't make them very popular. Lions have a hard time saying they're sorry and they can also be possessive of their friends and their spouse/partner.

Spiritually, Lions usually need a traumatic experience or event to spur a recognition of a need to make a commitment to Christ. The also have a hard time expressing grace. Their self-sufficiency can lead to sin problems of hubris. They also could miss out on the heart of a spiritual experience because they are so consumed with the big picture. Since they are Marthas, consumed with the task at hand, they can miss out on the relational experience that Marys have.

EXTRAS FOR WRITERS

Lions prefer to be dealt with by being direct and factual, because this is the way they are. You give a Lion the run around, and you are going to have conflict in droves. Lions like for things to be nailed down and written in stone. Give them a wishy washy boss or love interest and watch the sparks fly. Since they are so bored to death by detail and trivia, pair them with a Beaver who thrives on it. Heehee!

Another way to create great conflict is to pit them against another Lion. Two Lions are going to battle it out every time in a fight for dominance over the other. Give a classic male Lion a female who won't take no for an answer and he'll have met his match. Have fun with it.


Next week: Since I've had a couple of people comment about their type combinations and what that might mean, I thought I'd do a wrap-up post to discuss common combinations, not-so-common combos, and what this might mean for the test-taker.

Q4U: Have you found out anything about yourself you didn't already know? Anything you want to work on for the new year?

Treatment Tuesday - Alcohol Abuse v. Alcohol Dependence

This week's assessment is for Vickie, who wrote in with quite a few questions about Taylor*, her hero who grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. Taylor often took the brunt of his father's abuse in order to save his youngest brother and mother. When his father died when Taylor was 14, Taylor never grieved a day, but took on a part-time job and did everything he could to make sure his brother and mother had a good life. He drew into himself, never trusting anyone but his immediately family and never opening up to anyone else. Vickie wrote that his biggest fear is rejection. He was the epitome of control, masking his emotions and reactions--which led to a career as a Hollywood A-lister. Eventually, Taylor will meet Charity*, a woman who will lead him to a knowledge of Christ.

* Names have been changed to protect the fictional.

Vickie wants to know: What would Taylor find most compelling about Charity and her dependence on Christ? What would it take for him to make that leap to believe and trust in a loving heavenly Father?

She also wants to know if the following scenario would be indicative of a realistic alcoholic problem:

Throughout the story Taylor drinks when he's stressed or worried. He turns to alcohol to calm himself and relax. He wants a drink when he knows he can't have one, but he never gets drunk in public because he knows it would land him on the front page of every tabloid in America, and he wouldn't allow that kind of loss of control or invasion of privacy. But when he's alone, he sinks into a downward spiral of despair and emptiness and turns to alcohol to induce numbness. Only near the end of the story does that spiral spill out into a public setting, and it's after that occurrence that he decides to get help.

Oooo! Great stuff to work with, so I'll jump right in.

I want to start with the abusive history, as it plays a huge role in his present-day alcoholic problem. Seeing as how Taylor's dad wasn't much of a "dad" in the traditional sense, Taylor took on that role early. In my field, we call this "parentification." Taylor essentially lost his childhood and had to grow up entirely too early. 14-year-olds shouldn't be worried about who's going to get the next blow from Pop or bringing home money to take care of Mom. They should be into chicks and concerts and malls.

But Taylor's experience with his dad definitely scars him. He grew up with one heck of a role model. (Research highly supports the idea that those who grow up from abusive families will go on to become abusers themselves. Statistics vary depending on what you read, though.) But Taylor doesn't abuse people, he just abuses alcohol--like father, like son. His behavior is partly learned and partly situationally induced, I'm sure, as Hollywood A-listers aren't exactly known for their abstinence from alcohol and drugs.

You're big challenge will be to portray Charity in such a way that Taylor wants what she has, even though he "has it all." Her simplistic style of living, maybe, or the fact that she doesn't seem to need or seek his attention like everyone else he knows (because she's focused on serving Christ).

Taylor will likely struggle over a heavenly Father being any different from his earthly one. In truth, the discordance between an "ideal" divine Father and the real deal, warts-and-all Pop hinders many people from developing a relationship with Christ. So Charity might want to steer clear from the imagery of a father all together when she's witnessing to him. She could focus on Jesus instead as a "friend," or "confidant," someone Taylor could turn to with his problems and just talk to.

It would be fascinating for Taylor to discover that Charity came from a background situation much like his. If she had a father that was similar to Taylor's own work-of-art dad, then he might put more stock into her conversion or into what she has to say. If she comes from some pristine perfect family, though, he'd be more likely to pin her lifestyle difference on that. If Charity came from a really dark place--perhaps sexual abuse?--I think Taylor would really stand up and take notice of her faith as what "got her through," or what she turned to after being down so low.

You wrote that his biggest fear (as you've written him so far) is rejection. You could definitely play with this, going off the fact that his dad essentially rejected him as a son and rejected their family when he went to beating on them like punching bags. However, I think Taylor's character could be so much stronger if you up the ante on his biggest fear by giving him a nasty little flaw of needing anger management.

Think about this. Let's say Taylor is the epitome of self-control--as you've written him--until the right set of circumstances will blow his top faster than even he can get under wraps. If he's doing all this turning inward--also called "bottling things inside"--this is unhealthy. These people don't just get mad, they usually explode like Mount Vesuvius or they implode like a grenade went off inside. His dad obviously erupted outwardly with physical violence. What if Taylor had this tendency? Maybe he's never hit someone, but his biggest fear is that he could turn out to be just like his dad and be abusive? He's already half-way there with this alcohol problem...so it's just something to consider. Take it or leave it, of course. :)

So on to the alcohol problem (I could have done a whole post on just this question...and I might later!). There are 15 alcohol-related diagnoses in the DSM-IV, the most common probably being Alcohol Abuse, Alcohol Dependence, Intoxication, and Withdrawal. Taylor fits the bill for Alcohol Dependence, and he fits that bil rather well (kudos!). You can read about the criteria here. Alcohol Abuse is much more severe, and depending on what type of public spectacle he makes, he just might cross the line, so you'll want to read about Alcohol Abuse here.

A comprehensive explanation of treatment for alcohol abuse or dependence can be found at Psych Central. They go into medical treatment for withdrawal and psychosocial treatment to handle urges, find a community of support, and deal with what led the person to drink in the first place. So definitely check out that link. He could do an inpatient or outpatient program.

If Taylor really fears rejection, and you couple his public display with the younger brother's threat of "Get help or leave us alone," I think you've definitely given him motivation to seek treatment. If his greatest fear is turning out to be just like his dad, then if the public incident has something to do with violence (maybe toward some paparazzi or something?), then that might be enough for him to see he's hit bottom...he will end up just like his dad if he doesn't do something.

Hopefully this will give you some things to work with. I welcome any additional questions you (or anyone else) might have in the comment section.

Q4U: What are some other ways to describe your relationship with Christ besides a "heavenly Father," "friend," or "confidant?" How would you reach someone whose earthly father left a bad taste in their mouths?

This service is for fictional characters only, so any resemblance to real life examples is entirely coincidental. Any other fictional character assessment questions can be directed to charactertherapist (at) hotmail (dot) com.

February CFOM article!

My first article with Christian Fiction Online Magazine has been published! Click the magazine cover below to read my Therapeutic Thought on Triangles!


Doing the happy dance....